Evil Editor's Blog, page 465

Writing Exercise Results . . .

. . . are in the posts below. The task was to compose a rejection slip that might be sent to someone other than a writer.[image error]

Rejection Slip 12

Dear Moronica,

What the hell?

Seriously. What the hell, my dear little shithook, Moronica? It’s gotten to the point that, when I walk through the door, I’m already wondering if I’m gonna be stuck - in the end - with you.

Sometimes, after a long trip wrangling my cart up and down the narrow-assed aisles, by the time I get to checkout I’m too pooped to ponder which line you’ll be mishandling. I just line up behind some other sore sod, reading the dumbass magazine headlines lined up all around me

Rejection Slip 11

Sir:

I am in receipt of my latest paycheck, and regret to inform you that it does not meet our current needs. I simply didn't fall in love with it. In this crowded field, a submission must stand out, must have commercial potential, and this one simply was not sufficiently compelling.

As there was no enclosed SASE, I'll recycle the manuscript.

--Evil Editor[image error]

Rejection Slip 10

Dear Mrs. Editor,

Thank you for submitting your application and completed questionnaire for our advertised supervisory position at Happy Faces Daycare. As you know, Happy Faces Daycare strives to insure the best preschool experience possible, and we screen all of our applicants thoroughly.

Your resume shows that only one of your sixteen children survived infancy, and County records claim that your one surviving son, little Evil, was removed from your care twelve times, and spent an appreciable a

Rejection Slip 9

Dear Teenaged Hooligans,

Thank you for your interest in checking me out and yelling things at me from across the street. Your proposals were unique, but unfortunately at this time I’m going to have to pass. I’m quite busy these days, and I’m not convinced we’d be a good match. However, keep in mind that the market is very subjective, and no doubt there is someone else out there who would respond more positively. I can’t imagine who, but you never know.

Thanks again for thinking of me, and best of

Rejection Slip 8

Dear IRS,

Thank you for your interest in 30% of my husband’s contract earnings last year. While there was much to be admired in your pitch, I’m afraid we’re going to have to pass. There are so many other things we would like to do with the money, and there just isn’t enough to go around. However, keep in mind that the market is very subjective, and no doubt there is someone else out there more than willing to give you a shot at their money.

Thanks again for thinking of us, and best of luck coll

Rejection Slip 7

To My Prospective Date:

No go. In fact, just to make sure you don’t think that I, Rachel, am playing hard to get, I will warn you in advance that I always carry pepper spray and will not hesitate to use it. If you approach me in the presence of my father or any of my uncles, be aware that their weapons of choice require hunting licences and can be lethal. You would be neither the first nor the last to suffer the great indignity of rock salt in the posterior.

While your attraction to me is understa

Rejection Slip 6

Dear Ms. Wildesel:

We regret to inform you we will not be needing your services as a teacher at the Townham Primary School again next year. While we freely admit it was our mistake to believe your were using 'humour' when you answered the question 'What do you like most about working with small children?' with 'crushing their fragile little egos,' we do not feel legally or ethically bound to extend your employment. In addition, we would recommend that if anyone in the future is desperate enough t

Rejection Slip 5

Dear Senator McCain,

Thank you for your application to be President of the United States. Your application was put to a number of our voters and, after an editorial meeting, I regret to say we did not feel your promises fit our requirements at the moment. We would encourage you to send your promises to a different market, who might well find it suitable for them. A Senate position comes to my mind.

It is always difficult for an electorate to deal the limitations of space. There can only be one win

Rejection Slip 4

Dear Mister Colonaphan:

First, remove that rotted, polyester imitation of dead beaver from your head. It's not hip. Second, quit snapping your fingers on the main beat, the half beat or the off beat. You ain't got rythym. Third, your facial peel didn't remove the liver spots or the crateriferous pock marks. You still look like Mons Olympus.

We contacted your old workplace and coworkers. They referred to you as "butt-kissing weasel" and created a "shrine of shame" in memoriam. One item we shrank