Evil Editor's Blog, page 377

EE, Gift Counselor 5

"I suggest dinner... a brace of Donner," EE said.

"Noritake?"

"No. Some Internet geek calculated that Santa must travel at 3604.3678 miles per hour to deliver all his gifts. At that speed, the reindeer fry from friction. There's a web site that sells Reindeer ribs, wrapped in bacon and cooked by the blast of a jet engine. It's a festive plate of reindeer with cranberry dressing and Blitzen Bock beer." He smacked his lps.

"Sounds perfectly atrocious. How do you have a romantic evening with crispy...

EE, Gift Counselor 4

"Sometimes it just doesn't work out, does it?"

I blink. "Huh?'

"Sometimes," he opined, "you have to part. Divorce, if you like."

"Divorce?"

He slapped his hand down on the table. "Money, you dolt. How much do you have to spend and where's my fee anyway?"

"Oh." I pulled a folded-up envelope out of my pocket and slid it over to him. "So, I still need to buy for all my aunts and uncles. I've got…" I counted on my fingers. "Two pairs on Mom's side, three on Dad's, and a family friend type of aunt and ...

EE, Gift Counselor 3

Yes sir, may I help you?

I hope so. I need a gift idea for my wife.

Price?

Seventy-five dollars.

No problem. Uh, payment in advance please.

American Express?

Of course . . . Thank you, I'll run that through . . . and if you'll sign here?

Okay . . . Whoa. Two hundred and ninety-eight dollars? Is that a joke?

It's my usual fee.

It's four times what I'm spending on the gift!

I can suggest a more expensive gift, if you wish.

The gift price is fine. It's the fee that's--

Sir, this is your wife. I assume she l...

EE, Gift Counselor 2

I stopped at the booth on the third floor of Pentagon City Mall, right outside Nordstrom. I hated fucking shopping, and if some stranger had a good idea, I mean, what the hell, beats the gift basket crap I usually fall back on. Plus I have a cheap-o of a Welsh husband, likes to hold onto cash and horde it like a freakin' Scroogy miser, (was Scrooge secretly Welsh, I wonder?) so, ya know, a bargain would be good. I was just pulling my list out when I looked up and saw those beautiful blue eyes...

EE, Gift Counselor 1

"You're kidding."

"I'm not kidding. Nothing says I love you like stolen goods. Show him he's worth the risk!" He fluffed his mutton chops.

I knew my mouth was hanging open, but I just let it hang for a minute. While the shocked chemical cocktail in my head was settling, I looked at the certificates on the wall behind his desk. The Institute of Higher Evil, they said. Law, marriage counseling, psychotherapy, dishwashing, editing- you name it, it was up there. "Signed by Yugot Riptov, president?"...

Experiment

I'm considering using a survey form for voting on the annual Evil Editor Awards. First I want to try it out.

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Saturday Film Series

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Vampires!

The 3rd Vampire Guess the Plot Quiz

Vampires are a frequent feature in fake plots, but five of the plots below turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels. Which ones?


1. Tommy's a student at Vampire Tech, where he takes courses like Remedial Blood Sucking, but he has a problem: his favorite food is garlic, and they don't serve garlic at the Vampire Tech cafeteria. What's an Italian vampire to do?

2. Dating was never such a pleasure. Margo is happy to be married, because it means no mor...

New Beginning 714

The watch turned into a magpie.

Misha blinked and rubbed her eyes. Maybe I have sand in my eyes. She shifted from her position behind the boulder to get a better look. A woman stood by a cluster of big rocks on a near-empty beach. Her dark hair scattered over an angular, scary face.

Mom's prettier, Misha concluded. She was smart enough not to say it out loud. Grownups usually didn't like it when she told them the truth.

But that fluffy, black thing the woman carried? Definitely a magpie. Honest ...

Cartoon 539

Caption: Anon.

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