Edward Hoornaert's Blog, page 21

Effing Feline sucks it up #wewriwa

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I, Effing Feline, never give up. I’m still trying to become independent of humans by open cat food cans myself. But then I thought “I don’t need to open them all the way, just a tiny little bit.

But, you ask, how will I get the cat food out with a hole too small for my tongue? Glad you asked . . . but I’ll tell y ou my secret after this word from our sponsor, The Solid Gold Aliens.

After Tresky Buffrum is robbed and abandoned on his wedding night, he waits on a slotporch, in case she returns — she does, with no apologies.

Ebbril gestured toward the backpack. “I’ve been making arrangements and shopping.”

With my money — but he didn’t mind, much, because she’d come back. Still . . . “I awoke alone.”

“I couldn’t wait for you, and the innkeeper was supposed to let you stay until I returned.”

“But in the Happy Louse?”

“You were in no condition to enjoy that fancy hotel.”

“I thought you’d stolen my money and abandoned me.”

“I’m not a thief, Tresky.”

“What was I supposed to think, waking up—”

“If I were a thief, why would I have married you when I could so easily get you drunk until you passed out?”

Effing Feline here again. Okay, here’s this week’s absolutely brilliant idea for getting cat food out through a tiny hole.

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I am so intelligent I impress the fur off myself. Just don’t ask me how I’m going to make that small hole, or where I’ll  find a straw, because I don’t know. Details, details!

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

The Solid Gold Aliens

For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .

All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd.  What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.

Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.

Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?

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And if you’re interested in a good free read . . .

The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station is book one in the Repelling the Invasion series. It is available wherever fine e-books are sold, including:[image error]

Amazon | UK | Canada | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords

 

What an idiot: a meet cute #mfrwhooks

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In last week’s snippet from my sci fi rom, Alien Contact for Kid Sisters, Quinn, a free-spirited scamp and an aboriginal American from an alternate earth, witnessed a bomb destroy a wall of glass at the Royal Ball.

Marianne Harmon is upstairs in a hotel room with a prince when the rebels strike. She’s the queen’s sister, thus a potential target, so the prince leads her to one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra Island. He tells her to await her bodyguard, Captain Charleyjohn of the valiant Royal Guardians.

Then he hurries back to help at the bomb scene, leaving her alone in the spooky tunnel.

Marianne heard Charleyjohn’s off-key whistling before she saw him. How could the captain whistle merrily while his kingdom was under attack? She hadn’t met him, but already she disliked him.

Still, Reese had insisted Charleyjohn could be trusted, and if nothing else, she’d no longer be alone in this creepy tunnel. She trotted forward, eager to meet her savior.

But when she rounded a bend, she stopped. The tunnel split in two. Which way to go? Charleyjohn’s whistling echoed from everywhere. She couldn’t tell which tunnel he was in. She opened her mouth to call, but the echoes would confuse him as much as they did her.

Another woman might’ve waited patiently — and prudently — to be saved. Not Marianne. He might be headed away from her, and unless she hurried, she might never find him. She went left, her steps resolute, but after a few feet, she paused, straining to hear a clue in the shrill tune. She retraced her steps and headed up to the right, pausing yet again. Where was he?

He chose that moment to stop whistling. She decided she really didn’t like Captain Charleyjohn.

Just then he appeared. Although his square jaw hinted at toughness, his face seemed destined for laughter, not ferocity. He was tall and wiry rather than muscular, which was  good and bad. Good, because she liked his physique. Bad, because with rebels on the loose and a target on her back, she wanted someone huge, muscular, and mean on her side. He was none of the above.

“Captain Charleyjohn,” she called in a peremptory voice.

The man froze — then exploded into action. He whirled, crouched, brandished a switchblade, and darted glances all around. “Ghost,” he cried in Shanoog. “Where are you, ghost? What do you want from me?”

“What an idiot,” Marianne muttered in English.

The man jerked his head toward her and stared for a moment. “I am never been an idiot,” he said in English with a dignity at odds with his actions. He spoke with the same accent as Prince Reese, but while Reese’s was a delicate spice, this man’s was a thick, pungent sauce.

“You are Captain Charleyjohn, right?”

Ahem. Charleyjohn was killed by a minor tunnel collapse triggered by the bomb. So who is this guy?

Be sure to check out the hooks by other great writers in the Book Hooks blog hop.

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Alien Contact for Kid Sisters

Fleeing murderous rebels, the queen’s sister finds a hero to save her.

Or is he kidnapping her, instead?

[image error]Marianne is sick of being just the kid sister of the famous queen of Kwadra Island. Although she daydreams about being a warrior, when rebels bomb the royal ball she’s shunted to one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra, where she awaits a captain of the valiant Royal Guardians.

Quinn, a scam artist fleeing the police, dons the uniform of a Royal Guardian killed by a tunnel collapse. When Marianne mistakes him for her bodyguard, Quinn can’t decide whether to save the feisty maiden, fall in love with her—or kidnap her. With bloodthirsty rebels pursuing them and a treasure map in his pocket, what will he choose?

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Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
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Effing Feline sobs #wewriwa

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[image error]I, Effing Feline, am still trying to become independent of humans by learning how to open cat food cans. Last week, I hit on the brilliant idea of chucking a spear at the can to burst it open. There’s just one little problem.

Without  opposable thumbs, I can’t hold the spear to throw it. But do you think that will stop me? Hah!

Now a word from our sponsor, The Solid Gold Aliens. When Tresky Buffrum meets beautiful Ebbril and marries her the very next day. But she takes his money and abandons him at The Happy Louse Inn.

Determined to stay close in case she returns, the loyal but naive Tresky climbs up to a ‘slothporch’ overlooking it. Surprisingly, the sloth (a 9 foot long intelligent native) does nothing other than stare at him.

He leaned back, closed his eyes, and tried not to think; he succeeded for a long time.

“Tresky,” a voice called from the square, “what are you doing up there?”

Ebbril? — he opened his eyes, wanting to believe, and it was Ebbril; “You came back?”

“Of course I came back.”

She swung a huge pack off her back, knocking it against a pair of Haybolds passing by. The arrogant merchants glared at her — but when she glared right back, they walked away, muttering.

Tresky understood their reaction. Ebbril’s face was set in rigid, unreadable lines and her no-nonsense posture reminded him of the Godgifu policewoman. Like Griganna Hannu [the policewoman], Ebbril seemed almost too hard to be beautiful, despite her high cheekbones and lithe figure — but perhaps she had to steel herself to face him and admit her wrongdoing. That would explain her harsh demeanor.

But no matter — she’d come back, she’d come back.

Effing Feline here again. I enlisted Wesley, Ed’s six-year-old grandson, to throw the spear for me. I’m one ingenious tomcat, eh?

Throw 1 — miss. [image error]
Throw 2 — dropped the spear.
Throw 3 — almost speared my tail.
Throw 4 — miss. Twiggles the Dog got the spear before Wesley could and ran off with it . . . and she is not a retriever! My can is still unopened.

Poor, poor, poor, poor hungry me. Sob!

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

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The Solid Gold Aliens

For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .

[image error]

All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd.  What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.

Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.

Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?

Amazon | Canada | UK | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords

A Guardian Angel . . . free for the taking

The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station
free for a limited time

A space opera romance with a 4.7 star rating on Amazon

The space pirates think they’ve conquered Farflung Space Station.

[image error]But they didn’t count on Duke. The station’s Head of Security wants to prove to his career-army parents he’s outgrown his youthful rebelliousness. Defeating a pirate army seems like the perfect opportunity.

And they didn’t count on Lockey. This kick-ass princess knows every weapon and martial arts system in the galaxy — and she fell in love with Duke at first sight. It’s not only her job to destroy the pirates, it’s her bloodthirstiest wish.

And most importantly, they didn’t count on Sandrina. After loving Duke from afar, she yearns to fight with him – -and for him. The attractive waif has discovered so many of Farflung’s secrets that she’s the most powerful person on the station — though nobody knows it yet.

They’re about to find out .

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What readers are saying about

The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station

So fun to read . . . What a gem.
It’s filled with humour (maybe I shouldn’t have snort-laughed at “Greatest need: To shove his intestines back into his belly” but I did. Not sorry.)
Who could ask for more. Touching, humorous . . . thoroughly enjoyable.
 Strong female characters, fabulous scifi detail
This story is a fantastic space opera with great fleshed out characters. A rare gem. I loved the amazon, the hero and the hero-to-be. Gobbled every word up and felt like I was on that space station.

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And it’s free for a limited time . . .

The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station is book one in the Repelling the Invasion series. It is available wherever fine e-books are sold, including:[image error]

Amazon | UK | Canada | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords

 

The ballroom’s window shattered #mfrwhooks

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In Alien Contact for Kid Sisters, Quinn, is a free-spirited scamp and an aboriginal American from an alternate earth. He is fleeing from police sergeant Squitt when the incident that propels the book’s action takes him by surprise — a terrorist bomb explodes in the ballroom where dignitaries and heads of state are celebrating the birth of Kwadra Island’s new heir to the throne.

And Squitt seems to know it’s about to happen . . .

He was almost across the suspension footbridge over a ravine when Squitt bulled her way through the underbrush. “Aretta,” she cried in Shanoog.

Quinn didn’t aretta. Instead, he dived for the steep bank of the ravine — and then ducked low, because Squitt had taken out her service pistol.

“Put up your hands.” She aimed the noisy American weapon at his chest.

Although insulted by this uncalled-for escalation of their game of cat and mouse, Quinn knew better than to argue with a pistol. He knelt on the grass and raised his hands.

“Stay right there.” Her face was triumphant as she stomped across the creaking footbridge. It swayed and jerked with each step.

She was almost across when she paused. Her eyes narrowed and her face went blank. Consulting her communications implant, probably, and the call must’ve been awfully important to stop her in the middle of a hot pursuit. With wide eyes, Squitt stared up the ravine toward the vast window of the nearby hotel ballroom.

“No,” she shrieked, “delay for five seconds. Delay!” Then she cursed, grabbed the flimsy rope railing with both hands, and hunched over defensively.

And the world went insane.

A deep rumble, like a giant’s belch, battered the air. The ground shook in terror. The ballroom’s window shattered with the tinkling roar of a million oversized bees loosed from the depths of Hell.

Next came a blast of tornado-force wind, hot and overpowering. Quinn tumbled to the ground with his head pointing down the slope leading to a precipice.

Then smoke and clattering shards of glass filled the air. A book-sized chunk knifed into the ground between his thumb and forefinger, miraculously leaving his flesh intact. He yanked his hand away —

— which wrecked his balance and sent him sliding toward the cliff’s edge.

Be sure to check out the hooks by other great writers in the Book Hooks blog hop.

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Alien Contact for Kid Sisters

Fleeing murderous rebels, the queen’s sister finds a hero to save her.

Or is he kidnapping her, instead?

[image error]Marianne is sick and tired of being just the kid sister of the famous queen of Kwadra Island. Although she daydreams about being a warrior, when rebels bomb the royal ball she’s shunted to one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra, where she awaits a captain of the valiant Royal Guardians.

Quinn, a scam artist fleeing the police, dons the uniform of a Royal Guardian killed by a tunnel collapse. When Marianne mistakes him for her bodyguard, Quinn can’t decide whether to save the feisty maiden, fall in love with her—or kidnap her. With bloodthirsty rebels pursuing them and a treasure map in his pocket, what will he choose?

Amazon | Canada | UK  | Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble

Effing Feline chucks a spear #wewriwa

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I, Effing Feline, have told you of my desire to become independent. The first step is to figure out how to open cat food cans, and I believe I’ve solved the problem — with a typical display of genius, if may say so.

[image error]All I have to do is hit the can with something sharp, like a thrown spear, and voila! It is open! I’ll try not to salivate during this word from our sponsor, The Solid Gold Aliens.

When Tresky Buffrum, a Gasparre tribesman from the mountains of colony planet Jones, visited the big city, he met Ebbril and married her the very next day. But on his wedding night, she got him drunk. He awakens alone and penniless in an open-sided hovel in The Happy Louse Inn.

Determined to stay close to the inn in case she returns, the loyal (but naive) Tresky climbs up to a slothporch overlooking The Louse. Business owners build these porches to attract sloths, as the planet’s slow-moving but intelligent natives are called, because tourists from off planet gather to watch them.

Getting too close to a sloth is taboo as well as dangerous, so nobody does. Nobody except Tresky, who’s desperate enough to risk it.

Flies buzzed around the Sloth’s mangy fur, but the creature didn’t smell unpleasant, just different. From up close, the only lion-like thing was its posture. Its furry head was three times as wide and tall as a man’s, with a crest like an ancient Greek helmet. That monumentally unhelpful phrase from a school textbook had stayed with Tresky. What in Diggers’ name was an ancient Greek, and why did they wear helmets resembling a Sloth’s crest?

The creatures had two hind legs and four arms; maybe Greeks did, too. The upper arms were for delicate work and the lower arms for running or heavy work. Not that old Sloths ever ran or worked, and this one looked so ancient it was a wonder she could move at all.

Market Square had grown quiet. Oh, Diggers — hundreds of people now watched his insane bravado.

“That Gasparre,” a Felge tribesman said, “is one brave fellow.”

“Or a crazy one,” said the matron holding his elbow.

Effing Feline here again. I got a couple text messages (how’d you people get my number, anyway?) saying cats can’t use spears. Think again! We’ve been using spears for thousands of years, as this Egyptian statue proves.

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Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

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The Solid Gold Aliens

For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .

[image error]

All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd.  What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.

Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.

Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?

Amazon | Canada | UK | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords

You hurted, madam? #mfrwhooks

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Our hero, Quinn, is a free-spirited scamp and an aboriginal American from an alternate earth. As such, his English isn’t nearly as good as he thinks it is. Here he is fleeing from the police in his own inimitable fashion.

As he rounded the corner, he narrowly avoided a tough-looking Merkin almost as large as Squitt, with a baby strapped to his chest. “You know,” the man said, “you’d be a hell of a lot more attractive if—” He broke off when Quinn dodged past.

In avoiding the husband and child, Quinn bumped into the mother. He grabbed her waist to keep her from falling.

“You hurted, madam?” he asked in his best English. She was pretty in a dispirited sort of way, so why not take the time to be polite? After all, Squitt lumbered rather than sprinted.

“Watch where you’re going, jerk,” growled the husband. A body builder, Merkins called men like this. He balled a fist and flexed his biceps—but not even a scowling body builder could look fierce with a baby strapped to his chest.

“You’re Kwadran,” his wife said in a breathless voice, as though enthralled by meeting an alluring but dangerous prison escapee. Fresh off the ferryboat, Quinn guessed.

“Never fear,” he said to the thunder-browed man. “I shall kiss your wife and make her all better.”

And so he did, on the lips, for a count of five—the longest he dared under the circumstances. She tasted of hot dog and mustard. He kept his eyes open to watch the husband as well as the intersection where Squitt would appear, but the woman closed her eyes and kissed him back.

“What the hell you doing to my wife?” The body builder plodded forward, careful of his youthful burden. His care went for naught. The baby howled.

“Your wife, I am kissing her.” Quinn maneuvered back and forth to keep the woman between him and the angry husband. “You kiss her so infrequently you don’t recognize? Such a beautiful babe with such, you know,” he gestured with both hands to indicate her curves, “gets no kisses? Oh, for shame. You should treat her better.”

The wife fought a smile. The husband yelled. The baby cried. And Sergeant Squitt thundered around the corner of Rue Frank Kennedy.

Again Quinn had delayed too long, but it was more fun this way. With an ardent wave to the arguing couple and an airy flutter at the puffing, red-faced Squitt, Quinn ran.

Be sure to check out the hooks by other great writers in the Book Hooks blog hop.

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Alien Contact for Kid Sisters

Fleeing murderous rebels, the queen’s sister finds a hero to save her.

Or is he kidnapping her, instead?

[image error]Marianne is sick and tired of being just the kid sister of the famous queen of Kwadra Island. Although she daydreams about being a warrior, when rebels bomb the royal ball she’s shunted to one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra, where she awaits a captain of the valiant Royal Guardians.

Quinn, a scam artist fleeing the police, dons the uniform of a Royal Guardian killed by a tunnel collapse. When Marianne mistakes him for her bodyguard, Quinn can’t decide whether to save the feisty maiden, fall in love with her—or kidnap her. With bloodthirsty rebels pursuing them and a treasure map in his pocket, what will he choose?

Amazon | Canada | UK  | Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble

Effing Feline says Beep beep! #wewriwa

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I, Effing Feline, told you last week that I’m determined to become independent — which means I have to figure out how to open cat food cans. Being a wily, observant cat, I got plenty of ideas from one of grandson Wesley’s TV shows. I’ll tell you about them after this commercial break from our sponsor, The Solid Gold Aliens.

Tresky Buffrum is a naive young shepherd from the mountains of the colony planet Jones. When he visited the planet’s largest city, population 50,000, he met Ebbril and married her the very next day — but she got him drunk and he awakens in an open-sided hovel in a place called The Happy Louse Inn. Here he is the next morning.

But maybe Ebbril, beautiful Ebbril, hadn’t betrayed him — maybe she could explain and apologize. He had to remain nearby so she could find him, just in case. Had to, no matter what.

With bleary eyes, he searched for a calm haven amidst the market’s chaos. The restaurant next door had a slothporch, a sturdy, second-story wooden ledge with stairs leading up to it. It was perfect for watching the Happy Louse Inn, except for one little thing.

Big thing, actually; five hundred pounds, at least. A Sloth already lay on the slothporch, stretched out like a nine-foot sphinx.

No one went near a Sloth, ever; it simply wasn’t done; everyone knew that. It was a measure of Tresky’s despair that the idea meandered through his pounding skull.

Effing Feline here again. Here are some of the inspirations for opening cans that I got from Wesley’s show.

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Do you think any of these great ideas will enable me to open cat food cans?

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

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The Solid Gold Aliens

For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .

[image error]

All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd.  What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.

Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.

Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?

Amazon | Canada | UK | Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books

Stop that man #mfrwhooks

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Last week in Alien Contact for Kid Sisters we met the antagonist, Sergeant Squitt of the Kwadra Island Gendarmerie, who is herself up to no good, and on a much bigger scale than our hero, Quinn. He reacts quickly to her appearance at the open air table where he is selling fake wood carvings.

An orca fin housing a camera and stun beam sat atop her helmet. Quinn stuck out his tongue at the camera and then, before she could demand his nonexistent business license, he upended the table, shattering priceless, phony carvings, knocking Squitt on her ass, and sending the twenty-dollar bills he held fluttering toward the ground. Quinn plucked the bills out of midair, kissed them, and ran.

Only a few steps, though. His escape hatch — he always had an escape hatch when pulling a scam — lay in the opposite direction, beyond where Squitt struggled underneath the table. Instead of escaping right away, though, he bent down to grab a mask and a totem pole that hadn’t broken. He shoved them in the White Sox fan’s arms and ruffled the boy’s hair.

“A gift, kid, from my world to yours.”

The delay gave Squitt almost enough time to climb from underneath the table. Quinn shoved it back down with one foot, trapping her again. Then he stomped across the table, drawing satisfying oofs from the gendarme.

He leaped down and extended a hand to help her up. Squitt glared, angrier than he’d ever seen her. For some reason — maybe it was bad breath? — he always seemed to infuriate her.

She raised her hand to accept his help. Grinning, Quinn snatched it away.

He’d dallied a second too long; tourists had gathered to watch the commotion. As he shoved through the crowd, apologizing to everyone he bumped, he heard a crash as Squitt flung the table aside. She roared. Yep, angrier than usual.

“Stop that man,” she bellowed — but in Shanoog, which the tourists didn’t understand. No one stopped him.

Be sure to check out the hooks by other great writers in the Book Hooks blog hop.

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Alien Contact for Kid Sisters

Fleeing murderous rebels, the queen’s sister finds a hero to save her.

Or is he kidnapping her, instead?

[image error]Marianne is sick and tired of being just the kid sister of the famous queen of Kwadra Island. Although she daydreams about being a warrior, when rebels bomb the royal ball she’s shunted to one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra, where she awaits a captain of the valiant Royal Guardians.

Quinn, a scam artist fleeing the police, dons the uniform of a Royal Guardian killed by a tunnel collapse. When Marianne mistakes him for her bodyguard, Quinn can’t decide whether to save the feisty maiden, fall in love with her—or kidnap her. With bloodthirsty rebels pursuing them and a treasure map in his pocket, what will he choose?

Amazon | Canada | UK  | Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble

Effing Feline declares independence #wewriwa

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I, Effing Feline, complained about not being able to open cat food cans . . . but Twiggles the Dog laughed at my complaint. She said pets like us get food in exchange for love, loyalty, and a pledge to defend our beloved owners with our own lives if necessary.

But I am NOT a subservient idiot like Twiggles. I lay down my life for no man — and I’m such an intelligent cat that I know of a way for me to become completely independent!

You see, I’ve heard Ed and Judi discuss their early marriage, when they had five acres in Canada and grew much of their own food. So I ordered the book Five Acres and Independence: A Handbook for Small Farm Management. Smart of me, eh? Soon I’ll be dependent on no one. It’s absolutely brilliant.

Now a word from our sponsor, The Solid Gold Aliens. Tresky Buffrum is a naive young shepherd from the mountains of planet Jones. When he visits the Jones’s largest city, seeking adventure, he meets Ebbril and marries her the very next day.

But on his wedding night in the Spaceport Hotel, she gets him drunk. He awakens in an open-sided hovel in a place called The Happy Louse Inn. Here he is the next morning.

He emerged, squinting, into sunlight.

Pain exploded as a man slammed into him. When Tresky groaned, the man spun around as though insulted. Tresky backed away and bumped into a woman who hissed at him. This place was as busy as Market Square.

No, it was Market Square. There was the three-story clock tower. Beyond it stood the distant spire of the Spaceport Hotel, its concrete walls shimmering with holographic images of Sloths turned into golden statues. How had he gotten from there to here?

In a wheelbarrow, apparently.

Effing Feline here again. Twiggles (drat her deadly doggy breath!) just reminded me that I don’t have five acres. And that I’m a carnivore. Growing beans and carrots would never make me independent.

Sigh.

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

PS — Anyone want to buy an unread copy of Five Acres and Independence?

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The Solid Gold Aliens

For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .

[image error]

All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the simple life of a shepherd.  What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to a trek to the Midas Crater where some of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.

Everyone on their caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.

Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite the taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humanity from a war of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?

Amazon | Canada | UK | Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books