Edward Hoornaert's Blog, page 25
October 26, 2019
Effing Feline hates toothbrushes #wewriwa
I, Effing Feline, do NOT want my teeth cleaned. Hear that, Mr V? No toothbrushing!
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker is a Christmas novella and the 6th installment of the Alien Contact for Idiots series. Holly Jansen got locked out of her apartment because her roommate made off with her part of the rent money, so no she’s in her car, which won’t start. She and her cat are both cold and miserable. Then something happens that makes things worse.
Caution! Holly has a potty mouth.
Her phone buzzed.
Holly fumbled the phone out of her purse. She read the caller’s name, rubbed her eyes, looked again, but it still said the same thing.
His Majesty King Tro Eaglesbrood of Kwadra.
“A prank call?” she said, her voice starting weak but rising to a scream.
Usually she ignored telemarketers and pranksters, but here was a target for her wrath. She answered the call and spoke full blast: “What the fuck do you want, asshole?”
The silence lasted long enough to realize this was the second time in her adult life she’d used the F-word. It left a sour aftertaste, as though she’d forgotten to brush her teeth the morning after the night before.
Which reminded her — her toothbrush was locked in the apartment.
Effing Feline here again. Lady, you should just leave the darned toothbrush locked away!
I’d cuss like Holly Jansen if Ed tries to brush my teeth, but I suppose your cat might not mind it. As a public service, here’s the right way to do it — although I highly recommend using salmon-flavored toothpaste, rather than chicken.
Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.
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Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker
[image error]The Nutcracker ballet performed for and by aliens?!?
Holly Jansen, a young orchestra conductor down on her luck, is secretly hired by an alien king to conduct The Nutcracker on Kwadra Island as a Christmas present for his American wife. This big break seems like a Christmas miracle, but after she meets the lead dancer, she wonders if it’s a curse, instead . . .
. . . because the Kwadran queen has secretly ordered superstar dancer Rafael Sekwa to produce a potlatch dance honoring her husband’s ancestors — on the same date, time, and stage as The Nutcracker. The stubborn genius is determined to do so, no matter what, and Holly finds her ambition melting in the face of her growing admiration . . . and love.
Get your copy at:
Amazon
Amazon Canada
Amazon UK
Amazon Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
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[image error]PS — This weekend only, Ed’s Love they Galactic Enemy is on sale for just 99c. Get it while it’s cheap!
Amazon US – Canada – UK – Australia
Barnes and Noble (Nook)
Kobo Books
Smashwords
Apple iBooks
October 22, 2019
If Jansens were to get locked out #mfrwhooks
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker, a holiday novella, is the sixth installment in my Alien Contact for Idiots series, though it can stand alone. The book opens five years from next November on a dark, rainy side street in Tacoma, Washington. Holly Jansen is trudges miserably with her cat, Thug, and when she gets to her car, it doesn’t start.
Unable to deal with yet another disaster, Holly sat and stared straight ahead. “This can’t be happening, Thug. It’s not real.”
Her family was comfortable, not wealthy, but everyone was an achiever. Her mother was a wedding dress designer who’d run her own modest little shop. Her father: retired creative robotics consultant for some of hi-tech’s biggest names. Her brother: lawyer. Her sister: doctor. Aunts, uncles: all successful. Jansens simply did not get locked out on cold, rainy nights. If Jansens were to get locked out, it would be on a sunny spring day because six months ago they’d planned for this very possibility.
“Am I being a snob, Thug? Jeez, I hope not. We celebrated every holiday by helping out at soup kitchens the family funded, because Mom didn’t want us to become snobs.”
Still, if it looked like snobbery and quacked like snobbery . . . . The heat of shame tingled across Holly’s cheeks. The unavoidable truth was that Jansens achieved.
Except for one of them.
Oh, aiming at conducting a symphony was Jansen-family ambitious, but her achievements were un-Jansen-like failures.
Holly’s shoulders shook as a shiver wracked her body — the first signs of hypothermia. If she felt this way, how much worse must it be for poor Thug? He could die. She pulled him out of the carrier and held him against her belly, giving him what little warmth she had. After a minute, she lifted her tee shirt so he rested against her skin rather than the wet cloth.
“Oh jeez!”
Each hair on his obese body felt like an icicle. He must’ve been taking lessons from the guys she dated, too, because he put his cold head on her boob.
Unlike her dates, she left him there. “But after this, I’m becoming a dog person. You think I’m kidding, but—oh jeez, you’re so cold! — but I’m not.”
Her phone buzzed.
Be sure to check out the hooks by other great writers in the Book Hooks blog hop.
[image error]
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker
They both need a Christmas miracle
Holly Jansen, a young orchestra conductor down on her luck, is secretly hired by an alien king to conduct The Nutcracker on Kwadra Island as a Christmas present for his American wife. This big break seems like a Christmas miracle. But after she meets the lead dancer, she wonders if it’s a curse, instead . . .
. . . because the queen has secretly ordered Rafe Sekwa, dancer extraordinaire, to produce a potlatch ceremony honoring her husband’s ancestors — on the same day, time, and stage as The Nutcracker. The stubborn genius is determined to do so no matter what. Soon Holly finds her ambition melting in the face of her growing admiration — and love.
~ ~ ~
As of Monday, Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker is now available! Get your copy at:
Amazon — Canada — UK — Australia
Apple iBooks
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
Smashwords
October 20, 2019
Music Monday – Hallelujah! #MFRWauthor
I know it’s Halloween in just ten day, but nonetheless I’m going to deviate from my self-imposed diet of holiday music. Instead, today’s tune has personal meaning. “Hallelujah,” by Leonard Cohen, is sung here in my favorite version by KD Lang who has, let’s face it, a better voice than Mr Cohen. (With all due respect, even Effing Feline has a better voice than Mr Cohen.)
Why “Hallelujah?”
I like the tune so much I made an arrangement for oboe, which was Cohen’s original instrument, and it shows. Some pieces fit certain instruments better than others, and this one is perfect for oboe.
My latest messterpiece, a Christmas novella called Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker, goes live today! Yay!
But most important of all, I’m finally getting the brace off my shoulder, 6.5 weeks after my rotator cuff surgery. Double yay!! Triple yay!!!
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Get Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker for only 99c at:
Amazon
Amazon Canada
Amazon UK
Amazon Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
October 19, 2019
Effing Feline is hissed #wewriwa
I, Effing Feline, am hissed at Ed. Before you say that’s nothing new, let me tell you that this time I have a really good reason. Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker features a valiant and long-suffering cat named Thug. Several people have commented that they love Thug.
But does the brand new cover depict Thug? No, no, no no nononono!
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker is a Christmas novella and the 6th installment of the Alien Contact for Idiots series. Last week, Holly Jansen got locked out of her apartment because her roommate made off with her part of the rent money. She’s torturing her poor cat, Thug (love that name!) by dragging his carrier through winter rain.
Eventually, the cat carrier was buckled into the passenger seat and she was sitting, and dripping, in the driver’s seat.
“There, didn’t I tell you?” she said, her teeth chattering.
Thug yowled, a piteous cry of despair that made her throat tighten with pain. She’d done nothing to deserve getting locked out of her apartment but Thug really, really didn’t deserve this.
She put the key in the ignition and turned it. The starter clicked.
Not started, just clicked.
She tried again, then again, but it didn’t even click. This wasn’t the first time the car had failed to start in the rain, but it was the worst time.
The worst of times . . .
Effing Feline here again. The book’s cover just got revealed, if you’re interested. You probably won’t be, because there’s no cat. Hiss!
Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.
[image error]
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker
[image error]They both need a Christmas miracle
Holly Jansen, a young orchestra conductor down on her luck, is secretly hired by an alien king to conduct The Nutcracker on Kwadra Island as a Christmas present for his American wife. This big break seems like a Christmas miracle, but after she meets the lead dancer, she wonders if it’s a curse, instead . . .
. . . because the Kwadran queen has secretly ordered superstar dancer Rafael Sekwa to produce a potlatch dance honoring her husband’s ancestors — on the same date, time, and stage as The Nutcracker. The stubborn genius is determined to do so, no matter what, and Holly finds her ambition melting in the face of her growing admiration . . . and love.
Coming soon — October 21!
Pre-order your copy at:
Amazon
Amazon Canada
Amazon UK
Amazon Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
October 17, 2019
Cover reveal — Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker
For seven or eight years, I’ve spent Decembers in the orchestra pit for performances of that great Christmas tradition, The Nutcracker.
An embarrassing moment, for me at least, comes when a ballerina steps to the front of the stage for a bow. She’s standing six feet right above me wearing a flaring tutu — and the most natural thing in the world is to look up at her. I can assure you from experience there’s nothing to see except layers and layers an layers of cloth (ballerinas must be very modest). Nonetheless, it feels like staring up her skirt is an odious thing to do. I usually take a peek then fiddle with my oboe reed.
Being a writer as well as a musician, my mind flits along perverse courses (unrelated, sometimes, to what’s under tutus). What, I wondered, would The Nutcracker be like if performed for and by aliens?
The result is my sci fi romance, Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker. This Christmas-themed novella is the sixth installment in my Alien Contact for Idiots saga, and it’s a great introduction to the series.
Drumroll, please. Here is its cover.
Coming soon — October 21!
Pre-order your copy at:
Amazon
Amazon Canada
Amazon UK
Amazon Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
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An Excerpt from Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker
Time: Six years from next November
Place: A dark, rainy side street in Tacoma, Washington
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” Holly Jansen said to the thug.
The thug didn’t answer.
“The age of wisdom, the age of…” Her voice trailed off. Trudging through the first winter storm of the year wasn’t conducive to quoting Charles Dickens. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it’s the best of times because, well, Black Friday is over and it’s now the Christmas season. The time for Christmas miracles.”
When a gust splashed her face, Holly bent her head into the biting rain. “Yeah, we need one of those, maybe two, but this is my favorite time of the year. Yours too, Thug?”
No answer came from inside the cat carrier.
The rain made the side street in front of her former apartment seem dark and threatening. It was cold, close to freezing. Close to snowing, too. A drop, suspiciously solid, hit the tip of her nose.
Reaching a fire hydrant, she balanced the carrier on it while she unzipped her rain jacket and wrapped it around the cat carrier. Icicles of wind shot with vicious joy through the open coat and assaulted her t-shirt. Tacoma wasn’t supposed to get this cold this soon. She didn’t have gloves, scarf, ear muffs, or a winter coat, because she hadn’t gotten her winter clothes out yet.
And now she couldn’t. They were behind a padlocked door. Might as well have been on the moon.
She couldn’t see the fat tabby through the top of the carrier, but she kept talking, hoping her voice would soothe the wet cat. “Where was I? Oh yeah, the best and the worst of times. The worst is easy. Now.”
Thug mewled piteously.
“No, I told you, this isn’t my fault.” Which wasn’t quite true—she could’ve chosen a more practical and lucrative career than conducting an orchestra. Like flipping burgers at McDonalds.
A gust of wind, arctic gods laughing at her, turned her coat into a sail; she held onto both cat and coat with difficulty. “I gave my half of the rent money to Deidre every month. How was I to know she was keeping it for a one-way flight back to Perth?”
Squinting against needles of rain, Holly tried to find her car, which was silver and Japanese and looked like half the cars parked on this street. She wouldn’t see it until she was on top of it and the remote clicker hadn’t worked for months. It didn’t help that a streetlight was out.
Of course a streetlight was out. The only thing missing was an earthquake.
“Not far now, Thug.”
She frowned. Now she wasn’t just talking to her cat, she was lying to it. If a woman couldn’t be honest with her cat, who could she be honest with?
As though to punish the lie, the northern gods turned the rain into sleet. Holly never swore—well, hardly ever—but she thought some nasty thing about her lying, stealing Aussie roommate. Ex-roommate.
“There’s the car, for real this time. Soon, Thug, I’ll turn on the heater and you’ll be warm as a freshly caught mouse.”
Her hands were so cold she dropped her car keys into icy water running along the curb. She went to hands and knees, in a puddle of course, to get them. When she finally snagged the keys, it was too dark to see the keyhole so she felt for it with fingers so numb they couldn’t have felt a chainsaw.
Eventually, though, the cat carrier was buckled into the passenger seat and she was sitting, and dripping, in the driver’s seat.
“There, didn’t I tell you?” Her teeth chattered.
Thug yowled, a heartbreaking cry of despair that made her throat tighten with pain. She didn’t deserve getting locked out of her apartment but Thug really, really didn’t deserve this.
She put the key in the ignition. Turned it. The starter clicked.
Just clicked.
She tried again then again. It didn’t even click. This wasn’t the first time the car had failed to start in the rain, but it was the worst time.
The worst of times…
October 15, 2019
The worst of times . . . #mfrwhooks
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker, a holiday novella, is the sixth installment in my Alien Contact for Idiots series, though it can stand alone. The book opens five years from next November on a dark, rainy side street in Tacoma, Washington.
Squinting against needles of rain, Holly tried to find her car, which was silver and Japanese and looked like half the cars parked on this street. She wouldn’t see it until she was on top of it and the remote clicker hadn’t worked for months. It didn’t help that a streetlight was out.
Of course a streetlight was out. The only thing missing was an earthquake.
“Not far now, Thug.”
She frowned. Now she wasn’t just talking to her cat, she was lying to it. If a woman couldn’t be honest with her cat, who could she be honest with?
As though to punish the lie, the northern gods turned the rain into sleet. Holly never swore—well, hardly ever—but she thought some nasty thing about her lying, stealing Aussie roommate. Ex-roommate.
“There’s the car, for real this time. Soon, Thug, I’ll turn on the heater and you’ll be warm as a freshly caught mouse.”
Her hands were so cold she dropped the car keys into icy water running along the curb. She had to go to hands and knees, in a puddle of course, to get them. When she finally snagged the keys, it was too dark to see the keyhole so she had to feel around for it with fingers so numb they couldn’t have felt a chainsaw.
Eventually, though, the cat carrier was buckled into the passenger seat and she was sitting, and dripping, in the driver’s seat.
“There, didn’t I tell you?” Her teeth chattered.
Thug yowled, a piteous cry of despair that made her throat tighten with pain. She’d done nothing to deserve getting locked out of her apartment but Thug really, really didn’t deserve this.
She put the key in the ignition. Turned it. The starter clicked.
Not started. Just clicked.
She tried again, then again. It didn’t even click. This wasn’t the first time the car had failed to start in the rain, but it was the worst time.
The worst of times . . .
Be sure to check out the hooks by other great writers in the Book Hooks blog hop.
[image error]
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker
They both need a Christmas miracle
Holly Jansen, a young orchestra conductor down on her luck, is secretly hired by an alien king to conduct The Nutcracker on Kwadra Island as a Christmas present for his American wife. This big break seems like a Christmas miracle. But after she meets the lead dancer, she wonders if it’s a curse, instead . . .
. . . because the queen has secretly ordered Rafe Sekwa, dancer extraordinaire, to produce a potlatch ceremony honoring her husband’s ancestors — on the same day, time, and stage as The Nutcracker. The stubborn genius is determined to do so no matter what. Soon Holly finds her ambition melting in the face of her growing admiration — and love.
~ ~ ~
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker will be available October 21, 2019. Pre-order your copy now.
Amazon — Canada — UK — Australia
Apple iBooks
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
Smashwords
October 14, 2019
Music Monday – Halloween #2 #MFRWauthor
In honor of October, I’m continuing with my very favorite Halloween music. This one is undeniably spooky!
October 12, 2019
Effing Feline ends Ed’s career #wewriwa
I, Effing Feline, insist that Ed stop writing. Immediately. Right now.
Why, you may ask? Because his work has achieved ultimate perfection. One line in today’s snippet tells the deep and honest truth, and nothing he could possibly write can top it.
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker is a Christmas novella and the 6th installment of the Alien Contact for Idiots series. Last week, Holly Jansen got locked out of her apartment because her roommate made off with her part of the rent money. She’s torturing her poor cat, Thug (love that name!) by dragging his carrier through winter rain.
Can you pick out the nugget of profound truth?
“Not far to the car now, Thug.”
She frowned. Now she wasn’t just talking to her cat, she was lying to it. If a woman couldn’t be honest with her cat, who could she be honest with?
As though to punish the lie, the northern gods turned the rain into sleet. Holly never swore—well, hardly ever—but she thought some nasty thing about her lying, stealing Aussie roommate. Ex-roommate.
“There’s the car, for real this time. Soon, Thug, I’ll turn on the heater and you’ll be warm as a freshly caught mouse.”
Her hands were so cold she dropped the car keys into icy water running along the curb. She had to go to hands and knees, in a puddle of course, to get them – and when she finally snagged the keys, it was too dark to see the keyhole so she had to feel around for it with fingers so numb they couldn’t have felt a chainsaw.
Effing Feline here again. The purrfect line is, of course, “If a woman couldn’t be honest with her cat, who could she be honest with?” The answer, of course, is no one. So always, always, be honest with your cat!
Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.
[image error]
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker
[image error]They both need a Christmas miracle
Holly Jansen, a young orchestra conductor down on her luck, is secretly hired by an alien king to conduct The Nutcracker on Kwadra Island as a Christmas present for his American wife. This big break seems like a Christmas miracle, but after she meets the lead dancer, she wonders if it’s a curse, instead . . .
. . . because the Kwadran queen has secretly ordered superstar dancer Rafael Sekwa to produce a potlatch dance honoring her husband’s ancestors — on the same date, time, and stage as The Nutcracker. The stubborn genius is determined to do so, no matter what, and Holly finds her ambition melting in the face of her growing admiration . . . and love.
Coming October 21! Pre-order your copy at:
Amazon
Amazon Canada
Amazon UK
Amazon Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
October 10, 2019
Picture It – A budding book illustrator? #PictureIt
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My grandson, Wesley, drew this picture for me to illustrate my latest book, Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker. Remember what they say: don’t judge a book by its cover.
What do you think — does Wesley have a future as a cover artist?
October 8, 2019
She needs a Christmas Miracle #mfrwhooks
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker, a holiday novella, is the sixth installment in my Alien Contact for Idiots series, though it can stand alone. The book opens five years from next November on a dark, rainy side street in Tacoma, Washington. Here’s the opening of the book.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” Holly Jansen said to the Thug.
The Thug didn’t answer.
“The age of wisdom, the age of . . .” Her voice trailed off. Trudging through the first winter storm of the year wasn’t conducive to quoting Charles Dickens. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it’s the best of times because, well, Black Friday is over and it’s now the Christmas season. The time for Christmas miracles.” When a gust splashed her face, Holly bent her head into the biting rain. “Yeah, we need one of those, maybe two, but this is still my favorite time of the year. Yours too, Thug?”
No answer came from inside the cat carrier.
The rain made the side street in front of her former apartment seem dark and threatening. It was cold, close to freezing. Close to snowing, too. A drop, suspiciously solid, hit the tip of her nose.
Reaching a fire hydrant, she balanced the carrier on it while she unzipped her rain jacket and wrapped it around the cat carrier. Icicles of wind shot with vicious joy through the open coat and assaulted her t-shirt. Tacoma wasn’t supposed to get this cold this soon. She didn’t have gloves, scarf, ear muffs, or a winter coat, because she hadn’t gotten out her winter clothes yet.
And now she couldn’t. They were behind a padlocked door. Might as well have been on the moon.
She couldn’t see the fat tabby through the top of the carrier, but she kept talking, hoping her voice would soothe his wet fur. “Where was I? Oh yeah, the best and the worst of times. The worst is easy. Now.”
Thug mewled piteously.
“No, I told you, this isn’t my fault.” Which wasn’t quite true: she could’ve chosen a more practical career than conducting an orchestra. Like flipping burgers at McDonalds.
A gust of wind, arctic gods laughing at her, turned her coat into a sail; she held onto both cat and coat with difficulty. “I gave my half of the rent money to Deidre every month. How was I to know she was keeping it for a one-way flight back to Perth?”
Be sure to check out the hooks by other great writers in the Book Hooks blog hop.
[image error]
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker
They both need a Christmas miracle
Holly Jansen, a young orchestra conductor down on her luck, is secretly hired by an alien king to conduct The Nutcracker on Kwadra Island as a Christmas present for his American wife. This big break seems like a Christmas miracle. But after she meets the lead dancer, she wonders if it’s a curse, instead . . .
. . . because the queen has secretly ordered Rafe Sekwa, dancer extraordinaire, to produce a potlatch ceremony honoring her husband’s ancestors — on the same day, time, and stage as The Nutcracker. The stubborn genius is determined to do so no matter what. Soon Holly finds her ambition melting in the face of her growing admiration — and love.
~ ~ ~
Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker will be available October 21, 2019. Pre-order your copy now.
Amazon — Canada — UK — Australia
Apple iBooks
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
Smashwords
