Edward Hoornaert's Blog, page 19
March 28, 2020
Effing Feline lightens your covid19 day 5 #QuarantineCats
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I, Effing Feline, continue to do my part to help you poor humans who are suffering from confinement because of the Covid19 virus. We cats, of course, are free to live our lives as usual, not that I’m gloating about it.
Meanwhile, Ed, my pet human, was discouraged by a pair of news reports. So much for moving to the richest country the world has ever seen, eh?
British Columbia (where he used to live) is testing for Covid-19 faster per head than South Korea, did at its peak
Arizona (where he lives now) to primary care doctors: Discourage COVID-19 tests (because of shortages)
For the foreseeable future I’ll be lightning your day by posting the best possible humor.
Cat videos!
Check back tomorrow for another video.
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If you still need something to fill your time, Ed’s highest rated novel (4.8/5.0 on Amazon) is now available for free — The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station!
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A “travel poster” I made for this book.
As you may be able to tell from the travel poster above, Farflung Station is a city-sized space station orbiting a planet. ‘The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station is book one in the Repelling the Invasion series. It is available wherever fine e-books are sold, including:
Amazon | UK | Canada | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords
March 27, 2020
Effing Feline asks ‘What the heck is a purple cow?’ #wewriwa
I, Effing Feline, have been told to pass along a message from Ed. But I’m a cat. He knows I’m a cat. He should darn well know that cats don’t like to be told what to do. Therefore, I’m not going to tell you the message until after this word from my brand new sponsor — Never Saw a Perfect Cow. So there!
This unpublished sci fi book is waiting for Ed to make up his @&^%^$# mind what to do with it. Because of its length (132K) and serious content, he considered venturing back into traditional publishing, which he hasn’t done since 2005. However, after garnering the book’s first rejection a couple weeks ago, he realized he doesn’t have the stomach for the New York game. How did he ever stomach it enough to get his first six books trad published?
Purple Cow explores the relationship between creativity and madness. It’s near-future sci fi with elements of romance and more sex than is usual in Ed’s work, though there’s none in this snippet. To set the scene —
Janet Davis, a beautiful 44-year old suburbanite, abandons her husband, her luxurious LA home, even her country to risk madness and death on a quarantined island in the northern wilderness.
Why?
“There’s your tomb, Lady,” said the Indian.
The words slowly penetrated Janet Davis’s regrets, creeping with the insidious stealth of fog slipping around a corner. With a mental pop that seemed more real than reality, she recalled where she was.
On a grimy, reeking gillnetter, alone with this man. Crossing the River Styx to the land of the dead . . . so to speak.
She had to force a deep breath before she could answer: “Pardon me?”
“There it is,” the First Nations boat driver said slowly, as though dealing with an idiot child. He jabbed at the window to Janet’s right without taking his eyes from grey seas that were indistinguishable from the grey blanket of clouds and grey hills covered with evergreens whose color had been sucked dry like a bloodless corpse. He shook his head and made a disgusted clucking sound. “Your tomb.”
Effing Feline here again. Ed’s message, banal as it is — he and all his family are fine and he hopes you are, too. So far he doesn’t know anyone who’s contracted Covid19. Do you?
As messages go, that wasn’t worth waiting for, was it?
Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.
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Never Saw a Purple Cow
Purple Cow: someone who not only doesn’t fit in, they stand out like a . . . well like a purple cow in a dairy herd.
Grade-A example: beautiful middle-aged suburbanite Janet Davis choosing to live among the creative but insane quarantinees of remote Gilford Island.
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Grape flavored milk, anyone?
Effing Feline asks What the heck is a purple cow? #wewriwa
I, Effing Feline, have been told to pass along a message from Ed. But I’m a cat. He knows I’m a cat. He should darn well know that cats don’t like to be told what to do. Therefore, I’m not going to tell you the message until after this word from my brand new sponsor — Never Saw a Perfect Cow. So there!
This unpublished sci fi book is waiting for Ed to make up his @&^%^$# mind what to do with it. Because of its length (132K) and serious content, he considered venturing back into traditional publishing, which he hasn’t done since 2005. However, after garnering the book’s first rejection a couple weeks ago, he realized he doesn’t have the stomach for the New York game. How did he ever stomach it enough to get his first six book trad published?
Anyway, Purple Cow is sort of an examination of the relationship between creativity and madness. It’s near-future sci fi with elements of romance and more sex than is usual in Ed’s work — though there’s none in this snippet.
“There’s your tomb, Lady,” said the Indian.
The words slowly penetrated Janet Davis’s regrets, creeping with the insidious stealth of fog slipping around a corner. With a mental pop that seemed more real than reality, she recalled where she was.
On a grimy, reeking gillnetter, alone with this man. Crossing the River Styx to the land of the dead . . . so to speak.
She had to force a deep breath before she could answer: “Pardon me?”
“There it is,” the aboriginal boat driver said slowly, as though dealing with an idiot child. He jabbed at the window to Janet’s right without taking his eyes from grey seas that were indistinguishable from the grey blanket of clouds and grey hills covered with evergreens whose color had been sucked dry like a bloodless corpse. He shook his head and made a disgusted clucking sound. “Your tomb.”
Effing Feline here again. Ed’s message, banal as it is — he and all his family are fine and he hopes you are, too.
As messages go, that wasn’t worth waiting for, was it?
Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.
[image error]
Never Saw a Purple Cow
Purple Cow: someone who not only doesn’t fit in, they stand out like a . . . well like a purple cow in a dairy herd.
Grade-A example: beautiful but middle-aged suburbanite Janet Davis among the creative but crazy quarantinees of Gilford Island.
[image error]
Grape flavored milk, anyone?
Effing Feline lightens your covid19 day 4 #QuarentineCats
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I, Effing Feline, continue to do my part to help you poor humans who are suffering from confinement because of the Covid19 virus. We cats, of course, are free to live our lives as usual, not that I’m gloating about it.
For the foreseeable future I’ll be lightning your day by posting the best possible humor.
Cat videos!
Check back tomorrow for another video.
[image error]
If you still need something to fill your time, Ed’s highest rated novel (4.8/5.0 on Amazon) is now available for free — The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station!
An Amazing Woman . . . with Amazing Secrets
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The space pirates think they’ve conquered Farflung Space Station
But they didn’t count on Duke. The station’s Head of Security wants to prove to his army-officer parents he’s outgrown his youthful rebelliousness, and defeating a small army of pirates (almost) single-handedly is the perfect opportunity.
And they didn’t count on Lockey. This beautiful, kick-ass princess knows every weapon and martial arts system in the galaxy. She fell in love with Duke at first sight, and now winning his heart and destroying the pirates are her greatest desires.
And most importantly, the pirates didn’t count on Sandrina. After loving Duke from afar, she now yearns to fight for him. The attractive waif has discovered so many of Farflung’s secrets that she’s the most powerful person on the station, though nobody knows it yet.
They’re about to find out.
The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station is book one in the Repelling the Invasion series. It is available wherever fine e-books are sold, including:
Amazon | UK | Canada | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords
March 26, 2020
Effing Feline lightens your covid19 day 3 #QuarantineCats
[image error]
I, Effing Feline, continue to do my part to help you poor humans who are suffering from confinement because of the Covid19 virus. We cats, of course, are free to live our lives as usual, not that I’m gloating about it.
For the foreseeable future I’ll be lightning your day by posting the best possible humor.
Cat videos!
Check back tomorrow for another video.
[image error]
If you still need something to fill your time, Ed’s highest rated novel (4.8/5.0 on Amazon) is now available for free — The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station!
An Amazing Woman . . . with Amazing Secrets
[image error]
The space pirates think they’ve conquered Farflung Space Station
But they didn’t count on Duke. The station’s Head of Security wants to prove to his army-officer parents he’s outgrown his youthful rebelliousness, and defeating a small army of pirates (almost) single-handedly is the perfect opportunity.
And they didn’t count on Lockey. This beautiful, kick-ass princess knows every weapon and martial arts system in the galaxy. She fell in love with Duke at first sight, and now winning his heart and destroying the pirates are her greatest desires.
And most importantly, the pirates didn’t count on Sandrina. After loving Duke from afar, she now yearns to fight for him. The attractive waif has discovered so many of Farflung’s secrets that she’s the most powerful person on the station, though nobody knows it yet.
They’re about to find out.
The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station is book one in the Repelling the Invasion series. It is available wherever fine e-books are sold, including:
Amazon | UK | Canada | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords
March 25, 2020
Effing Feline lightens your covid19 quarantine day, #2
[image error]
I, Effing Feline, continue to do my part to help you poor humans who are suffering from confinement because of the Covid19 virus. We cats, of course, are free to live our lives as usual, not that I’m gloating about it.
For the foreseeable future I’ll be lightning your day by posting the best possible humor.
Cat videos!
Check back tomorrow for another video.
[image error]
If you still need something to fill your time, Ed’s highest rated novel (4.8/5.0 on Amazon) is now available for free — The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station!
An Amazing Woman . . . with Amazing Secrets
[image error]
The space pirates think they’ve conquered Farflung Space Station
But they didn’t count on Duke. The station’s Head of Security wants to prove to his army-officer parents he’s outgrown his youthful rebelliousness, and defeating a small army of pirates (almost) single-handedly is the perfect opportunity.
And they didn’t count on Lockey. This beautiful, kick-ass princess knows every weapon and martial arts system in the galaxy. She fell in love with Duke at first sight, and now winning his heart and destroying the pirates are her greatest desires.
And most importantly, the pirates didn’t count on Sandrina. After loving Duke from afar, she now yearns to fight for him. The attractive waif has discovered so many of Farflung’s secrets that she’s the most powerful person on the station, though nobody knows it yet.
They’re about to find out.
The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station is book one in the Repelling the Invasion series. It is available wherever fine e-books are sold, including:
Amazon | UK | Canada | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords
March 24, 2020
Effing Feline lightens your covid19 quarantine day, #1
[image error]
I, Effing Feline, want to do my part to help you poor humans who are suffering from confinement because of the Covid19 virus. We cats, of course, are free to live our lives as usual, not that I’m gloating about it. Therefore, for the foreseeable future I’ll be posting the best possible humor.
Cat videos!
Check back tomorrow for another video.
If you still need something to fill your time, Ed’s highest rated novel (4.8/5.0 on Amazon) is now available for free — The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station!
An Amazing Woman . . . with Amazing Secrets
[image error]
The space pirates think they’ve conquered Farflung Space Station
But they didn’t count on Duke. The station’s Head of Security wants to prove to his army-officer parents he’s outgrown his youthful rebelliousness, and defeating a small army of pirates (almost) single-handedly is the perfect opportunity.
And they didn’t count on Lockey. This beautiful, kick-ass princess knows every weapon and martial arts system in the galaxy. She fell in love with Duke at first sight, and now winning his heart and destroying the pirates are her greatest desires.
And most importantly, the pirates didn’t count on Sandrina. After loving Duke from afar, she now yearns to fight for him. The attractive waif has discovered so many of Farflung’s secrets that she’s the most powerful person on the station, though nobody knows it yet.
They’re about to find out.
The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station is book one in the Repelling the Invasion series. It is available wherever fine e-books are sold, including:
Amazon | UK | Canada | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords
His mind was paddling at top speed #mfrwhooks
I hope you are all well and taking adequate precautions (whatever ‘adequate’ means these days). Stay safe, ladies!
In these snippets from my sci fi rom, Alien Contact for Kid Sisters, Marianne met Quinn Lebatarde, wearing Captain Charleyjohn’s Royal Guardian uniform. For safety from a rebel attack, they’re in one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra Island. Charleyjohn is supposed to be her bodyguard.
If you remember from last week’s post, Quinn showed his heroic side by springing into action against an intruder — only to be kicked by the ‘intruder’, an eleven-year-old girl who is a cousin of the king. Nonetheless, the con man continues to have heroic thoughts . . . for the moment, at least.
Quinn watched the Harmon woman soothe and pet the royal brat. Somewhat to his surprise, he wasn’t overawed by such highborn company. In fact, within seconds, his mind was paddling at top speed, trying to figure out what to do.
The long term, like tomorrow or the next day, eluded him. It frequently did; he needed to work on that. For right now, though, the obvious goal was to get them as far away from here as possible.
He didn’t know what was going on up there. Full scale rebellion, for all he knew, with fighting in the streets, and he needed to protect Marianne from that. Spirits knew such a classy klootch deserved a better defender than someone like him, but wearing a Guardian’s uniform made him feel up to the task.
What about the little girl with the vicious boots, though? A taste of hardship might do her good.
Ah well, she was just a kid. He supposed he should protect her, too.
Be sure to visit the hooks by other great writers in the Book Hooks blog hop.
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Alien Contact for Kid Sisters
Fleeing murderous rebels, the queen’s sister finds a hero to save her.
Or is he kidnapping her, instead?
[image error]Marianne is sick of being just the kid sister of the famous queen of Kwadra Island. Although she daydreams about being a warrior, when rebels bomb the royal ball she’s shunted to one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra, where she awaits a captain of the valiant Royal Guardians.
Quinn, a scam artist fleeing the police, dons the uniform of a Royal Guardian killed by a tunnel collapse. When Marianne mistakes him for her bodyguard, Quinn can’t decide whether to save the feisty maiden, fall in love with her—or kidnap her. With bloodthirsty rebels pursuing them and a treasure map in his pocket, what will he choose?
Amazon | Canada | UK | Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
March 21, 2020
Effing Feline finds proof of God #wewriwa
I, Effing Feline, am not like Mr V’s nutty characters. I’ve never had any trouble “searching for God” or anything silly purrsuit like that. What can I say? Certainty is part of being a feline.
This week I have two messages from sponsors. Commercial #1: If you’re ‘socially distancing’ (which we cats invented) and bored out of your skull, Ed wants me to point out that one of his favorite sci fi roms, The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station, is currently available for free. You’ve got nothing to lose!
Commercial #2: Last week in The Solid Gold Aliens, we met met Major Rullitch, a man who hears voices in his head. In case you don’t realize it, that is not a good sign, especially for someone who has guns and is in charge of security.
Rullitch is an offworlder who doesn’t care for planet Jones, as we learn in this snippet. But he does like — even adore — the solid gold sloths that were recently discovered there.
Other human worlds glittered with electric lights, but aside from the pathetic hamlet of Offie Town at the foot of this mesa, Jones slumbered in a candlelit stupor. The uncivilized heathens in the Rift were beneath the notice of a gentleman and an officer; rumor said they slept wherever they happened to be when darkness fell, be it road, pigsty, or outhouse. He believed it, too, although he’d never ventured off Heaven’s Table, which housed the planet’s lone spaceport.
Rullitch ran both hands over the stubble on his shaved head and turned to the huge golden statue for strength and salvation. It sat upright, with its stubby tail acting as the third leg of a stool. In the open palm of its top-left hand it held a four-winged bird in an attitude of . . . something Hunger . . . supplication . . . love for a pet?
One side of the statue had been peeled to reveal golden muscles and golden bones and a golden stomach filled with half-digested, golden food. This was no work of art, but a once-live creature.
Transformation into gold, the old alchemists’ dream, was impossible, yet it had happened.
How? Scientists speculated, but Rullitch knew how — it was a miracle, proof that God existed.
Effing Feline here again. A sloth proves the existence of God? Ridiculous. This picture, not some dorky creature Ed made up, proves the existence of God!
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Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.
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The Solid Gold Aliens
For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .
All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd. What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.
Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.
Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?
Amazon | Canada | UK | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords
March 17, 2020
Not one to meekly stay put #mfrwhooks
In these snippets from my sci fi rom, Alien Contact for Kid Sisters, Marianne met Quinn Lebatarde, wearing Captain Charleyjohn’s Royal Guardian uniform. For safety from a rebel attack, they’re in one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra Island. Charleyjohn is supposed to be her bodyguard.
When they hear furtive sounds like the footsteps of a huge rat, he tells Marianne to stay put while he attacks the intruder.
Marianne wasn’t one to meekly stay put, so she crept after Charleyjohn. Before she reached him, though, he darted around the corner with the lightning-fast suddenness she already expected of him. Marianne heard sounds of struggle. A high-pitched shriek. A yip of pain.
The captain came into view, hopping backward on one leg. Then she saw a foot, kicking toward his midsection.
“Oof,” Charleyjohn squeaked. He turned toward Marianne, eyes crossed, and sank to his knees.
His conqueror came into view — a little girl, her features twisted in terror. It was Delfina Eaglesbrood, Reese and King Tro’s second cousin.
“Elfy!” Marianne knelt and held out her arms to the girl.
Charleyjohn groaned.
“Aunt Marianne!” Delfina streaked forward, threw her arms around Marianne’s neck, and burst into loud sobs.
“Hey, not so tight,” Marianne said. “You’re strangling me.”
The girl loosened her grip. After a few more sobs, she quieted.
Captain Charleyjohn staggered to his feet. “What about me?” he asked in a voice higher than usual. “Do I get a hug too?”
Elfy whirled to face him. “You pulled a knife on me. On me, an Eaglesbrood and cousin to the king.”
“Next time I’ll use a laser cannon from a kilometer away. Kid, that hurt.”
Be sure to visit the hooks by other great writers in the Book Hooks blog hop.
[image error]
Alien Contact for Kid Sisters
Fleeing murderous rebels, the queen’s sister finds a hero to save her.
Or is he kidnapping her, instead?
[image error]Marianne is sick of being just the kid sister of the famous queen of Kwadra Island. Although she daydreams about being a warrior, when rebels bomb the royal ball she’s shunted to one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra, where she awaits a captain of the valiant Royal Guardians.
Quinn, a scam artist fleeing the police, dons the uniform of a Royal Guardian killed by a tunnel collapse. When Marianne mistakes him for her bodyguard, Quinn can’t decide whether to save the feisty maiden, fall in love with her—or kidnap her. With bloodthirsty rebels pursuing them and a treasure map in his pocket, what will he choose?
Amazon | Canada | UK | Australia
Apple iBooks
Smashwords
Kobo Books
Barnes and Noble
![[image error]](https://eahoornaert.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/solid-gold-aliens-2019g_600x900-2.jpg){kind=link}