Simon Vandereecken's Blog, page 11

May 30th, 2023

May 30th, 2023

I'm feeling a bit lost lately, noticing how fast the last years went by. Without realising, my hair slowly faded to a dark grey, something I didn't even notice in the mirror while the weeks went by. Years pile up without you really realising it and when you look back you're suddenly facing the teenager you once were and feel the gap between you.

Looking at old pictures I can see the hurdles I went through, the pain, the stepping stones of those years and how much they learned me. Still I would love to embrace this teenage me and prevent him from all this. Yes it did get better, but how I wish we didn't have to go through so much.

It's a kind of nostalgia with hints of regrets, I wish I had learned yesterday what I know today. I wish I could get all those years back to erase the pain, to enjoy them as much as I should have, to stop doubting myself so much, to stop allowing people to hurt me so much because I thought I didn't deserve better. But time goes by and we can't grasp even its tiniest part.

It's kind of a vertigo, looking back at all those years, all those trials wondering if they were truly necessary to arrive where I'm at today. There are still so many trials left, so many things on my mind I'm still fighting, will I ever look back on where I am today and wish I was able to tell myself to let go of all this weight and finally start to enjoy those great years too?

Every day that pass me by I'm trying to let go of some of the weight I carried over the years but I feel like there is still so much work to be done. I just hope one day I'll be enough for myself.

2023-05-30

I'm feeling a bit lost lately, noticing how fast the last years went by. Without realising, my hair slowly faded to a dark grey, something I didn't even notice in the mirror while the weeks went by. Years pile up without you really realising it and when you look back you're suddenly facing the teenager you once were and feel the gap between you.

Looking at old pictures I can see the hurdles I went through, the pain, the stepping stones of those years and how much they learned me. Still I would love to embrace this teenage me and prevent him from all this. Yes it did get better, but how I wish we didn't have to go through so much.

It's a kind of nostalgia with hints of regrets, I wish I had learned yesterday what I know today. I wish I could get all those years back to erase the pain, to enjoy them as much as I should have, to stop doubting myself so much, to stop allowing people to hurt me so much because I thought I didn't deserve better. But time goes by and we can't grasp even its tiniest part.

It's kind of a vertigo, looking back at all those years, all those trials wondering if they were truly necessary to arrive where I'm at today. There are still so many trials left, so many things on my mind I'm still fighting, will I ever look back on where I am today and wish I was able to tell myself to let go of all this weight and finally start to enjoy those great years too?

Every day that pass me by I'm trying to let go of some of the weight I carried over the years but I feel like there is still so much work to be done. I just hope one day I'll be enough for myself.

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March 28th, 2023

March 28th, 2023

I've been on ADHD medication for almost a month now, after years of wondering, months of talking to a psychiatrist and various medical checkups. I can say that it's already changing my life quite a lot and improving my daily life quite a lot. I'm finally able to pay attention through long meetings, to understand things that take time, and I'm also listening more finally.

One of the things that I had a harder time controlling was that my nervousness baseline was high. Usually, my left leg would always be moving, I'd be biting my nails all the time. Now, except when going through a stressful event, I'm finally calm.

For the first time (since I can't remember when) my mind is also quiet most of the time. When I'm not focused on something for work, I can finally enjoy a silent mind with no intrusive thoughts, no infinite to-do list building, ... It's interesting, at the end of the day I'm way less exhausted than before, it's like as if I was spending so much energy every day for nothing. At night I'm able to go to sleep much quicker.

All of this makes me wonder quite a lot about how my life would have been different if I had been under this treatment previously. One of the reasons I left university was because I was unable to focus for long hours, even more, to study in front of a desk for weeks. I wonder what I could have accomplished if I had been in the same state I am now. I'm proud of where I am in life right now, but still, the what if's are still there.

2023-03-28

I've been on ADHD medication for almost a month now, after years of wondering, months of talking to a psychiatrist and various medical checkups. I can say that it's already changing my life quite a lot and improving my daily life quite a lot. I'm finally able to pay attention through long meetings, to understand things that take time, and I'm also listening more finally.

One of the things that I had a harder time controlling was that my nervousness baseline was high. Usually, my left leg would always be moving, I'd be biting my nails all the time. Now, except when going through a stressful event, I'm finally calm.

For the first time (since I can't remember when) my mind is also quiet most of the time. When I'm not focused on something for work, I can finally enjoy a silent mind with no intrusive thoughts, no infinite to-do list building, ... It's interesting, at the end of the day I'm way less exhausted than before, it's like as if I was spending so much energy every day for nothing. At night I'm able to go to sleep much quicker.

All of this makes me wonder quite a lot about how my life would have been different if I had been under this treatment previously. One of the reasons I left university was because I was unable to focus for long hours, even more, to study in front of a desk for weeks. I wonder what I could have accomplished if I had been in the same state I am now. I'm proud of where I am in life right now, but still, the what if's are still there.

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March 1st, 2023

March 1st, 2023

I've always felt the need to feel useful. Thinking I didn't deserve any attention aside from my usefulness, getting really lost and depressed when I couldn't. It has taken quite a toll over the years, reinforcing existing vulnerabilities and anxiety.

Each time I felt lost and ignored by some people, I felt that I deserved that, that perhaps I could have done more, be more relevant or whatever. Unable to think that people could like me for something else than being useful or that perhaps simply people didn't valuate me at the same level as I valued them.

I try my best to determine what people expect and to meet their expectations. In a way, it's sad to realise that my best relationships often come from work, as they happen in an area where expectations are clear and I know I can meet them. Often in my private life I realise that I don't get what people expect, perhaps because I always think they expect something from me when it's not the case.

I'm trying more and more to reframe my train of thoughts but it's complicated. It's a system I've built for years that I slowly have to deconstruct piece by piece and, sadly, has become quite part of my personality. I just hope that one day I'll be able to get people right.

2023-03-01

I've always felt the need to feel useful. Thinking I didn't deserve any attention aside from my usefulness, getting really lost and depressed when I couldn't. It has taken quite a toll over the years, reinforcing existing vulnerabilities and anxiety.

Each time I felt lost and ignored by some people, I felt that I deserved that, that perhaps I could have done more, be more relevant or whatever. Unable to think that people could like me for something else than being useful or that perhaps simply people didn't valuate me at the same level as I valued them.

I try my best to determine what people expect and to meet their expectations. In a way, it's sad to realise that my best relationships often come from work, as they happen in an area where expectations are clear and I know I can meet them. Often in my private life I realise that I don't get what people expect, perhaps because I always think they expect something from me when it's not the case.

I'm trying more and more to reframe my train of thoughts but it's complicated. It's a system I've built for years that I slowly have to deconstruct piece by piece and, sadly, has become quite part of my personality. I just hope that one day I'll be able to get people right.

direct link to

February 24th, 2023

February 24th, 2023

You always tell yourself you���ll have the time, that you will see them next time, that this time your schedule is too packed, too crowded, ��� But life pass by and your schedule doesn���t matter to it and when it does you wish you had made room to see those persons, to spend time with them even for a short time, for a blink.

Another friend left tonight, taken by the big fucking crab, left me feeling like my grandma reading the obituary, listing the friends it took from me. I wish I made time to see them, but knowing their illness I acted out of fear, distancing myself to avoid the scar that I know was coming. Now they���re gone and I will never have the chance to share another moment with them ever again.

We are always taken by our lives, trying to make time to see the people who make life worth living in between our daily lives. Too often we end up forgetting that it is those people who make life worth living and I made this mistake again and again.

I will miss you funny motor rider, I will always remember the funky chicken and the metal Abba covers. I���m reading the book you advised, I wish we had the chance to discuss it but life took an unexpected turn. Lie in peace my friend, I wish I was there.

2023-02-24

You always tell yourself you���ll have the time, that you will see them next time, that this time your schedule is too packed, too crowded, ��� But life pass by and your schedule doesn���t matter to it and when it does you wish you had made room to see those persons, to spend time with them even for a short time, for a blink.

Another friend left tonight, taken by the big fucking crab, left me feeling like my grandma reading the obituary, listing the friends it took from me. I wish I made time to see them, but knowing their illness I acted out of fear, distancing myself to avoid the scar that I know was coming. Now they���re gone and I will never have the chance to share another moment with them ever again.

We are always taken by our lives, trying to make time to see the people who make life worth living in between our daily lives. Too often we end up forgetting that it is those people who make life worth living and I made this mistake again and again.

I will miss you funny motor rider, I will always remember the funky chicken and the metal Abba covers. I���m reading the book you advised, I wish we had the chance to discuss it but life took an unexpected turn. Lie in peace my friend, I wish I was there.

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February 2nd, 2023

February 2nd, 2023

Two things gave me a lot of thoughts lately. First was this post from More to that, second was an event from my birthday. As someone struggling with self esteem over years, I slowly realise that I will never be able to change everything I would like to change about myself, that I would probably never be exactly like I would want me to be.

Looking back on the road so far I also feel that I spent way too much time worrying on how I looked when I shouldn't have. Realising also the amount of friends around me as I was crossing my 35 year on this earth made me think that I didn't have to be perfect to be appreciated, and that each one of those person must have found something in my little person that made sense to them and made me a bit loveable.

I don't think this will switch totally how I think about myself, unfortunately a lot of those thoughts are deeply ingrained in my mind and there are years of patterns to dismantle. But still, bit by bit the darkness in some corners in my mind recess and it makes me feel a bit better each day.

2023-02-02

Two things gave me a lot of thoughts lately. First was this post from More to that, second was an event from my birthday. As someone struggling with self esteem over years, I slowly realise that I will never be able to change everything I would like to change about myself, that I would probably never be exactly like I would want me to be.

Looking back on the road so far I also feel that I spent way too much time worrying on how I looked when I shouldn't have. Realising also the amount of friends around me as I was crossing my 35 year on this earth made me think that I didn't have to be perfect to be appreciated, and that each one of those person must have found something in my little person that made sense to them and made me a bit loveable.

I don't think this will switch totally how I think about myself, unfortunately a lot of those thoughts are deeply ingrained in my mind and there are years of patterns to dismantle. But still, bit by bit the darkness in some corners in my mind recess and it makes me feel a bit better each day.

direct link to