Shallon Lester's Blog, page 9

Ask Shallon: Getting Past a Fight With Your BFF

Fighting with friends is infinitely worse than brawling it out with a boyfriend. Dudes come and go, but BFFs are supposed to last…right? Angela doesn't know if she can–or should–get past a blowout with her bestie. My advice may surprise you…

Ask Shallon: Surviving a School Dance

It's DANCE SEASON BITCHES!!! My first few school dances were hideous failure that still leaves me with emotional scars. So, I'm hoping to spare you from the same chilling fate…

Ask Shallon: How to Fake Confidence

Sorry I've been soooooo MIA you guyzzzz! I went on vacation, etc etc, Miami, blah blah blah rehab.

Anyway! I'm back. As you know, I always say that confidence is the key to attracting your crush. But one fan made a good point: what exactly does being confident look like? Here are some easy ways to make people think you've got stellar self esteem…even if you don't!

The Golden (Ratio) Girls

As idiotic and clumsy as I am when it comes to love, I actually know a lot about the science behind coupling. Specifically, physical attraction.

Scarlett as she is (left) and how she'd look if she were perfectly symmetrical

Beauty isn't "in the eye of the beholder" and you aren't "beautiful no matter what they say"–you are beautiful only if you fit into a rather rigid set of parameters including:

Facial symmetry–almost no one is perfectly symmetrical. But scientists once measured Greta Garbo and declared her symmetrically flawless. You can see why I named my dog after her.
Glossy lip–reminds men of when, ahem, a lady's other lips are wet (gross I know)
Features associated with youth

shiny long hair
white teeth
high cheekbones with flushing high on the apple

Body wise, women should strive for the a .7 waist-to-hip ratio. Tons of famous women have the .7 ratio, from Kate Moss to Jessica Alba to Marilyn Monroe. It doesn't matter your size or even how busty you are; the golden ratio implies perfect fertility that unconsciously lures men into your clutches.

Jessica & Kate: skinny but ideal

The point of all this? I'm a .74 and my new fitness goal is the golden ratio. I've calculated that I have to lose about 2 or 3 inches from my waist to be in the zone. I'm kind of at an advantage because my ass is so big.

Kelly Brook & Shallon: bootylicious and ideal (well, almost, in my case)

So, if any of you guys have any fitness tips on how to drop inches (without shrinking my butt) please do let me know!

Ask Shallon: Should You Tell Your Crush You Like Them?

Happy Valentine's Day, darlings! I get SO many questions from you guys how to go about telling your crush that you have the hots for them. But my advice may surprise you…check it out!

 

Kate Upton's Sports Illustrated Cover is a Joke…Right?

I really, really try to deny my inherent, sorority girl nature to bash other hot females. I do. And usually, I succeed. I love me some Kim Kardashian, Scarlett Johansson and other less-than-waify ladies. Cellulite? Who cares! Short legs? Fine by me!

But this Kate Upton hoopla? You guys have got to be fcking kidding me.

Sports Illustrated cover girl?? With this body?! She's got some nice boobs, I'll give her that, but I've never seen a more shapeless torso. This chick is 19 for crying out loud, she should be tight, tight, tight! Or at least have a discernible waistline.

Now, the softest part of my body (in a bad way) is my tummy, so I definitely am inclined to cut a love-handled lady some slack. But Kate's body is just dreadful. Nik Richie (of The Dirty) guesses she has 2 more years in her, tops, before she looks like a hefty bag full of cottage cheese.

I give it 6 months.

Ask Shallon: Finding a Valentine's Day Date

Don't pretend that you hate Valentine's Day when really, you're dying to see your crush! Check out my uber-easy strategy for scoring some time with your sweetheart…

 

Quote of the Day: Desperate Housewives

"You know, I went as far as taking a polygraph test just to try and prove to him that I never had an affair. But he just had this constant paranoia. And as they were unstrapping me from the polygraph test, I thought, Why am I taking a polygraph for someone I love?

But I was so desperate to keep it together that I would have gone to any extreme." –Taylor Armstrong, from "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills."

 

Sounds familiar.

Ask Shallon: How to Date a Famous Guy

Athletes, actors, rockstars and even a governor. I'm not a 10 (maybe a 9.87, right?) but I've managed to pull some famous, foxy guys. How? So glad you asked…

 

Why I'm Breaking Up With "Glee"

Once upon a time, Glee was a cute, cheeky reflection of teens, music and pop culture. Now, each episode goes something like this:

Song
Gay references
Song
Close up on Lea Michele's nose
Talk about bullying
Settling a fight through song and dance
Crying about bullying or gay issues
Song
Kid in the wheelchair talking like a wigger for some reason
Song
Bullying
Gay issues

If Artie can't rock out, then the terrorists win!

 

Eons from now, when advanced man looks back on this time they'll be like "Dude. Is this what teenagers were doing? Singing and wearing bowties and shit?"

"I know right?" the other super evolved human would say. "Like, WTF. Was this the golden age of being a pussy or what?"

"Fuckin ay, man," the first one will sigh into his super evolved beer. "I bet everyone was pretty pissed when the world didn't end in 2012."

 

Good thing he put it on a shirt, I'd never have guessed it