Shallon Lester's Blog, page 12

The Hotness: Things I'm Loving

1. The New MTV Series "Caged," Specifically Daniel Payne

 

Hotter than a nanny goat in a pepper patch, son

He looks just enough like a boy I used to know to make me happy and warmly nostalgic, but just enough not like him to keep me from getting really depressed and grouchy. I keep having sex dreams about this Loooosiana boy. I really gotta get my hands on this hillbilly…and as an MTV reality star, chillingly, I have the power to do that. Run boy, run.

 

2. "Shake It Out" by  Florence + the Machine

And I've been fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

It's not embedding for some reason, so click here to listen. I've found this song so soothing recently. I too like to keep some things to myself. Don't worry darlings…not too much.

 

3. Ask Shallon

Got a problem, yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ--sorry, nevermind I'm lame

 

I missed video blogging, ranting about this boyfriend or that party. I used to do one nearly every day for Double Agent. But I feel that that time for being so candid about my personal life has passed. I'm a grown girl now and can't be blabbering on about people I care about. So Ask Shallon is a good compromise. I'm so glad to be back in action in front of the webcam!

 

4. The Lipgloss Joan Gave Me

My nose looks kinda enormous but I promise it's not

When I put it on, I'm back in sunny sweet Newport Beach, sipping iced tea and strolling around Fashion Island.

Sometimes I just wish I'd stayed in California, invested my money in new boobs instead of college, married rich and lived out my days getting various lip injections and Botox, chasing after kids named Michaela and McKenna with my new-money husband.

5. Wabbit Picture

 

"Peace out bitches!"

 

I look at this pic every night before I go to sleep and I just love it more and more. Fluffy little tail, ears akimbo, getting the fck out of town. He's just goin' for it! I don't know what it says about my life when I envy and admire a rabbit, but here we are.

Ask Shallon: Translating a Boy's Texts

Katie can't figure out WTF her boyfriend is trying to say via text. Is he angry? In love? Worried? I help her decipher what he's really trying to say…and how to get him to open up!

Got a love problem? Email me at AskShallon@Gmail.com! xoxoAsk Shallon: Translating a Boy\'s Texts

Within & Without

"His face contained for me all possibilities of fierceness and sweetness, pride and submissiveness, violence, self-containment. I never saw more in it than I had when I saw it first, because I saw everything then. The whole thing in him that I was going to love, and never catch or explain."

—Alice Munro, Lives of Girls and Women

 

Ask Shallon: He Says He Loves Me "Like a Sister"?

Emma from Orange County, CA (woop woop!) (I'm from Irvine) wants to know what it means when her crush calls her buddy/says he loves her like a sister…

Shallon's Rules for Dating: How to Meet a Girlfriend Online

The other week I helped the ladies find love online, and today boys, it's your turn to get a schooling. My theory is that there are only two kinds of guys on Match, eHarmony, JDate, etc–the kind who wants to get laid as much as possible and the kind actually looking for love.

Please, take a moment to decide which kind you are. Go ahead I'll wait. Done? Ok, if you're the hump-and-dump sort, please click the X on your browser and go away because I don't want to help you.

But if you are itching for a wife or serious GF, listen closely. This might not be pleasant, but it will be helpful.

 

1. Pick a Good Username

When I was on Match, I was totally horrified at the kind of usernames guys were choosing. One was PoetryRockStar which is the gayest thing I'd ever heard. Another was Labian19 and I was forced to email him and say "It's probably a bad idea to have the word 'labia' in your username, just FYI."

One boy's was just numbers. You dudes just love numbers, but go easy. Choose, say, Tommy400 over 22_Hi_44_Jake_9987654.

Username: RckOutWitMaCockOut6969696969

 

2. Pick a Good Headline

On Match.com, you get to create a subtitle for your profile, which is incredibly important and incredibly hard. It was often one of the only things I'd look at after deciding that a guy wasn't hideous. And I've seen some doozies, like "I only pee in the shower sometimes" and "I hate dating."

Whenever you do anything online (or ever), ask yourself: "If I saw this on a girl's profile, what would I think?" Good taste knows no gender.

 

Some things are better saved for the second date...or the 1100th.

 

3. Choose Good Picture

I'm shocked I even have to say this, but do NOT post photos of you with other girls, unless she's very obviously related to you. And yes, we can tell when your ex has been cropped out of a picture. Also, it's really great that you climbed that mountain and all but we don't care. You + beanie + sunglasses + far away = WTF do you actually look like? We need to actually see you.

Lie in your pics and she'll order the most expensive wine on the menu

 

4. Be Brief

Brevity is wit. Girls need to know the basics when looking at your profile, and too many guys blabber on about fairly unimportant things. One dude spent 350 words (I checked) talking about his recent trip to India, but didn't bother to put his profession. Women need to know what your profession is.

If you're wondering if your profile is too long, try reading it out loud. If you get bored at the sound of your own voice (typically 150-200 words) you're rambling.

5. Be Bold

Reaching out online is far less scary than walking up to a girl in a bar, so man the F up and go for it. Don't namby-pamby around and wink or "like." Email! Message! Chat! And I hate to break it to you, but we can smell a standardized "Hey I liked your profile. We should meet up sometime" message a mile away.

Lemme guess: 5 virgins?

 

Hate me yet? I realize this makes me sound like some sort of Draconian dating warlord, peering pitilessly down upon the hordes of lonely men, screeching about what they're doing wrong. But I'm seriously not an expert, just observant and bored enough to blog my thoughts.

To Sleep, Perhance to Dream…And Be Creepy

It's pretty much the creepiest thing EVER to tell someone you had a dream about them. I dont know why either, since you don't control your dreams whatsoever. In fact, the people who show up in my REM sleep are rarely those I'm thinking about when I'm awake. But, I've learned the hard/awkward way that if you do in fact dream about someone, you shouldn't tell them. EVER.

So, perhaps to shield me from my own creepiness, my brain has stopped incorporating any actual friends or acquaintances into my dreams. I almost exclusively dream about celebrities, and when I do, the dreams are naughty.

Would you like to know who's been visiting me while I slumber? Well too bad, I'm gonna tell you any damn way.

 

Justin Bieber

"I will love you until the day my soul turns black." That's what Justin Bieber said to me in the deliciously inappropriate and graphic dream I had about him last night. He was weeping when he said it, as his mother dragged him away from me. I CAN'T CONTROL HOW CREEPY I AM IN MY DREAMS OK PEOPLE?! Stop judging.

And YES, he's about 11 in this video, which is gross, but in reality he's 17 which is LEGAL in New York so shut up. And don't you love what's on his wall: the Simpsons, Tupac and hockey players. Basically a glimpse into my mind at any given time.

Alex Ovechkin

I was fine with this string of inappropriate dreams until a quick visit to Google images set me straight. Blechh. I've met Alex a few times and he's incredibly letchy and off putting, leering at me that "I clean up nice" when I saw him out after interviewing him once. Altho. Hm. There is something pleasing about his torso. It's just such a pity it's attached to that face, and those hands, which seem to only be capable of picking up and purchasing the ugliest clothes on the planet.

Simon Cowell

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Not him specifically; just a random famous, old billionaire. To me, Simon is like, 10,000 years old so I was completely grossed out by the dream that I was his trophy wife. Then I woke up and felt doubly ashamed because, pfft, as IF I'm enough of a trophy for this dude.

Tim Tebow

Never been so anxious to get back into bed

Ask Shallon: How to Deal with Running into Your Ex

Guh. The dreaded run-in with an ex. I've practically made a career off my hideously embarrassing ex encounters, so learn from my mistakes on how to keep things non-humiliating.

Check out my advice to Kayla in Canada–who you might remember since her BF ditch her for a ho–who can't stop bumping into her former flame.

 

 

Got a burning romance question? Email me at AskShallon@gmail.com!

One More Resolution

2012 is going to be the year that I stop bullshitting my friends.

 

 

At this point in my life, I'm all about action, not talk. When I complain about a boy to my friends, I want actual advice, not mollycoddling yay-saying. I don't need someone to tell me that YES it's ok to ask "Where is this relationship going?'! YES you should friend all his pals on Facebook! YES he's just intimidated by your beauty!

 

Together forever! By default!

Um no. NO. Stop. I/we don't need pretty little lies anymore. Where does that get any of us?

I have several friends who complain about the same goddamn thing over and over again, completely ignoring my advice. No more! I'm hereby committing to telling my friends the truth, even if it's ugly, painful or embarrassing.

Don't get all nettled when I say "Hey, why don't you try changing X, Y or Z?"

 

If you don't like it, please don't bring it up anymore because clearly you just love to complain.

And we all do, to a degree, but there comes a point when you have to be a woman and cowboy the fuck up and either CHANGE or STFU.

 

Bottom line: I have the most amazing friends ever. And I want to see them happy. It hurts me to not only see them making the same mistakes 100x but expecting me to celebrate it!

Life is for the living, and living means adapting and learning. And you can't learn from or change what you don't acknowledge.

What do you guys think of this? Would you want to be besties with a blunt bitch like myself??

Ask Shallon: Why is My Crush Dating a Slut?

Hi dolls!

In addition to my oh-so-stellar dating advice, I'm now answering your burning romance/love/sex questions! I had so many Twitter followers messaging me about this boy or that break up that I thought it'd be easier to video blog the answers for all to see. So check out my most recent request from Kayla in Calgary, who can't understand why the guy she likes ditched her for the school slut.

Got a love question of your own? Email me at AskShallon@gmail.com! xoxo

New Year, New Shallon

Over the last few years I've realized 2 things:

1. My resolutions deteriorated from actionable goals to vague wishes. Since I had no real control over whether or not MTV renewed my show nor how well my book sold, I inevitably felt like a horrendous failure on Dec 31.

2. My success was defined not by the amount of happiness something brought me but by popularity. How many people watched my video blogs? Which celebrity photographers knew me by name??

These are not good strategies.

So, in 2012, success = happiness. Goals = things that I genuinely like and will make me happy.

 

Thus, here are my resolutions:





1. Lose 10 lbs

I'm too heavy for my frame. I know it, you know it. Well maybe you don't but trust me, I know it. I'm tired of feeling pudgy and I realize that every other goal I set, I usually achieve. Except for thinness. I think it's because I'm secretly afraid because if I get my perfect body, then nothing will stop me from world domination. And that's a lot of pressure. Advice?

I CAN look like this!

2. Get new book deal

Every writer has their "Great American Novel" that they want to write, their passion project, and mine was Exes and Ohs. Ideally, I'd like to write another similar book, but really, I'll write anything someone pays me to write. I'm integrity-ish like that.

I'd really like to write a book through Alloy, who does Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars, etc. They really promote the hell out of their novels.

 

3. Film pilot for new show

Can't go into details just yet but I'm working a bit with producers on a new dating show that's kinda  Made + Tough Love + What Not to Wear. Fingers crossed!

 

4. Learn to do the splits

This isn't a joke. I saw Kyle Richards dip effortlessly into the splits on an episode of RHOBH and since then I've been fevered with jealousy. I've been wanting to take up yoga, and doing the splits will be a good barometer to gauge my progress.

So, there we have it. Which of these goals would you most like to see me achieve? Any that I should have added? Don't sugarcoat it, now is the time for change, people!