Shallon Lester's Blog, page 11

Ask Shallon: Am I Acting Desperate?

Are you trying super hard to catch his attention, score his number or go on a date with him? No? I don't believe you. May I introduce you to what I call the Principle of Unlocked Doors, aka the greatest advice I can give you. Watch and learn, lovelies…

Got a love question? Email me at AskShallon@gmail.com!

Ask Shallon: How to Tell If a Boy Likes You

Ladies, listen the F up. I get TONS of emails from y'all about how you can't figure out if your crush is into you. He may not be expressing his feelings with words, but his body language is sending a message loud and clear…

Got a love/friend/cocker spaniel issue? Email me at AskShallon@gmail.com. Bc srsly I'm really good with cocker spaniels.

My iPhone is Making Me Hate People

You know what drives me crazy? When people act like they don't understand your auto correct. A scenario like this has happened to me about 100 times thanks to the intersection of idiot people and an idiot iPhone.

Me: Sorry running late be there a little layer than I thought!

Them: ?? Huh? Layer?

REALLY? Really. You honestly don't understand what I was trying to say? Seriously. If I accidentally wrote Yeah teh movie was great! would you still be like ???!? wtf derrrrr???!

And you know what else? The ? and ! keys are right next to each other on the iPhone–but you wouldn't know that because you're still clinging desperately to your Razr–so you're also going to flip the F out when I text Yes you guy should totally come?.

But that's nothing compared to the absolute meltdown you'll have when my thumb accidentally hits the J instead of K and you get a text reading OJ. I literally had a someone reply "Um, orange juice?" No you retard, it's a typo.

 

Maybe it's because I'm a writer so the people I'm texting assume that my digital grammar and punctuation is going to be FLAWLESS but mentally I'm about 17 years old so that comes through loud and clear when I text.

Ask Shallon: Can a Fat Nerd Find Love?

Short answer: yes. Slightly longer answer, check out the video where I try to help high schooler Kyle, a Star Wars nerd who wants a girlfriend!

40/40 Fashion Fiasco

Tonight I'm going to the re-opening of Jay-Z's hotspot 40/40 club, and yes, Beyonce will be in attendance. Clearly that ups the outfit ante and I have no clue what to wear. My usual style is a strange mix between Kim K and Blair Waldorf, but I think I need to kick the urban vibe up a notch tonight, don't you think?

Kind of weird that she and I have the same skin color, no?

 

 

So the two styles I'm trying to decide between are Basketball Wives and Love & Hip Hop. Both vh1 shows, both revolving around strong black women, both replete with enormous hoop earrings and weaves (two things I love). But the styles are quite different. Behold:

The Ladies of "Love & Hip Hop"

OR

The Bitches of "Basketball Wives"

 

Clearly the style differences between the two groups are…um…OK upon closer inspection I have no clue. I tend to think the BBall Wives are classier, based solely on the fact that they employ the occasional blush tone while the L&HH girls favor tacky sparkles and strange cut out dresses.

So, great. I'm no closer to figuring out what to wear that at the start of this post. THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS.

Ask Shallon: Should I Give My Crush a Present?

Um NO YOU SHOULD NOT. That wasn't what this fan had originally asked me about, but I just can't have girls handing out gifts like their goddamned Santa Claus. Ladies, listen and learn:

The Land of Mama & Honey

When I was home for Christmas, we watched the trailer for In the Land of Blood and Honey and Mama asked, with loaded tones, if I was planning on seeing it.

"Noooo," I said. "It looks depressing. And I cry over those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials; I really don't need any help to become hysterical."

"Shallon," she said gravely. "You need to see it."

"Why, to learn about the war?"

"No," Mama said earnestly, placing a light hand on my wrist, "Because we need to support her."

Her being Angelina Jolie.

Of course, I got my father's looks. Lucky me!

 

Angie has always reminded me of my mama. They're both wildly beautiful and lived full, heady, voluptuous lives. But then they had a baby, suddenly and concretely shifting their focus to family and philanthropy.

Yet still, they both give off the distinct sense that they are peering past the suburban rooftops to some far, spice-scented, dusky-hued metropolis, that they are politely and bemusedly masquerading as the bourgeois.

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I was totally cuter...in that squinty-eyed, pumpkin-colored sort of way

In a way, I feel that Mama and Angie are kindred spirits. I secretly think/hope that she does too.

Ask Shallon: My Friend is Smothering Me!

This reader says her BFF is a stage 5 clinger and is even trying to ruin her new crush! I tell her exactly how to handle a BFF who won't back the F off. But in a nice way, of course. Mostly.

Ask Shallon: Should I Give the Lame Dude a Chance?

One Canadian fan says that an unemployed slacker dude is OBSESSED with her (obvs) and she feels bad turning him down. But should she? Here's what to do when you're too good for a guy…and everyone knows it.

Got a love ? Email me at AskShallon@gmail.com! xox

Ask Shallon: How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Chris in NY calls his ex "the gold standard" and will do anything to have her back. Awww, so sweet In the same situation? Check out my advice for winning back your lady love…

But dudes, just FYI, if you say you really will do whatever it takes to get your romance back on track, please mean it. I've had one too many BFs slither back into my life making promises, but then won't even READ A BOOK that might heal our romance. Like a panda who won't fck to save it's own species. Pathetic.