The Will to Whatevs Quotes

“High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!)”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Throughout our history, humanity has been plagued with questions, and also plagued with regular plagues. I don't know much about biology, so I can't speak to actual plagues. However, I can answer all kinds of questions: moral, ethical, job-related, child rearing, party etiquette, romantic, technological, stuff about boobs, and my three faves: How do I have sex with someone and not talk to them again?, Can you hit a kid for a very, very good reason?, and of course How do you get a self-righteous asshole to shut the fuck up, even if they're right?”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Are you in any way qualified?

Yes? No? It doesn't matter. In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right. ”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it. ”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world.

...

Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions:

...

5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Let's start anew. Life is goals--Purpose-Attempts--Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“In this book I will teach you, based on stuff I have either made up, observed, or overheard, how to live the life you want--the life you Will. Obviously, if your name is Will and you are slow, this book will be confusing/upsetting. Be careful. Thanks.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that your company harnesses the energy produced by rape and uses it to make a chemical that kills forests for fun. Either way, you're going to need it.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo--though those people may also have real problems.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book should be to you.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life – The Ultimate Satirical Field Manual for Becoming an Artist or Disappointing Your Parents

“Atheists believe that when you die, you’ll just disappear. The belief is self-defeating, because it robs atheists of the opportunity to go to religious people, “I told you so.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life

“Being a parent is as easy as counting to one million—most anyone can do it, but it’s exhausting—and periodically rewarding (like when you reach five hundred thousand)—and once you’re done, you are not sure why you did it—but it was worth it.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life

“A common misconception of money is that money can’t buy you love. That’s true. But money can lead to a series of misunderstandings that can afford you love. Think of that last thing as a quick bonus lesson from another dimension.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life

“Defeating a Bully Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, “Don’t abuse me like your parents abuse you!” Then call children’s services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you’re worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.”
― Eugene Mirman, The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life