The Lightning-Struck Heart Quotes

“You’re a talking unicorn,” I said. “Sometimes when you poop, it comes out as rainbows and smells like cookies. There is nothing subtle about you.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“You know what they say, once you go dragon, all the rest is just laggin’.”
“No one says that,” I said. “Absolutely no one.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Horse?” Gary snarled. The pretty unicorn act dropped immediately. Red sparks shot from his nose. “Did you just call me a horse? Listen here, you two-legged bag of shit. I’m not a motherfucking horse. I am a unicorn, and I am magic and a beautiful creature made of fucking sunshine and rainbows and good feelings.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“I like you,” Gary finally said in a low voice.
“Thank you? I thought you already did.”
“No. Like, I really like you. Before, I was just pretending. I actually think I almost despised you. But now I don’t.”
“You almost despised me.”
“Almost.”
“And now you don’t.”
“Now I don’t.”
“Because….”
Gary breathed more on his face, nostrils flaring. Then (finally), “Unicorns are fickle creatures. I don’t need a reason to change my mind. It’s been done and you should just accept it and be thankful I no longer plot to murder you in your sleep.”
“Testify,” Tiggy said.
“So now you have affection for me,” Ryan said, “and you—”
“I didn’t say affection. I said I liked you, not that I’m ready to pick out curtains. Gods. Calm the fuck down. You’re engaged to be married. I will not be your dirty little secret. I am a strong, independent unicorn, and I will not take your shit.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“I don’t have time for all the relations and courting and wooing bullshit,” I said. “I’m a wizard. I have quests.”
“Uh, you’re an apprentice,” Gary said. “And you’re sent on errands.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Because you love me,” I said, sounding smug.
“More like you grew on me,” he said. “Like fungus.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“I’m sorry I made an oath. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. And I’m sorry that I can’t break it. But you have to believe me that it’s always been you. I promise. I promise." His voice cracked and my hands shook. "I promise, because when I look upon these stars, there is nothing I wish for more than you.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Or not,” I said as I ground my teeth. “I like to masticate by myself.” “And you’re so good at it,” Gary said. “The up and down motions of your… jaw. And then, upon completion, you swallow. Right, Sam? You swallow, don’t you?” “Of course I do,” I said, confused. What the hell were we talking about now? “I always swallow when I finish. What am I supposed to do? Spit it back out?”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Please let it be known that from this day forward my working title for the business is now 'Queen of the Fuck Palace!”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“You okay, Sam?”
“Ha-ha, why wouldn’t I be? Everything is peachy! I’m okay. I’m better than okay.”
“Okay. I only ask because you haven’t stopped staring at me for the last four hours.”
“You lie with all your lies!”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“I like your shoes,” I said. Because I did. They were pink and pointed, and I wanted a pair like that so bad. My mom and dad groaned. Morgan looked at me and cocked his head.
“Thank you, little one. I made them out of the tears of a succubus and a lightning-struck tree stump I found under the Winter Moon. I like your face.”
I grinned. “Thank you, big one. My parents made it when they got married. I was a honeymoon baby, whatever that means.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Look. This has been… fun.” Lie. This had been nerve-racking and I needed to go masturbate. “But I have to go. I’ve got stuff to do before I head out again.” Masturbate. “Wizard stuff. Like… secret wizard stuff.” Masturbate.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“I wish I could find that one person made for me so that way I can show them why I was made for them.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“The color of your dress really brings out the extraordinary paleness of your skin tone. Are you unwell? Dying, perhaps?”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“It's you," I said, not able to look away. "It's how I feel when I'm with you. How I think I've always felt. You're my lightning-struck heart. It doesn't matter about the cornerstone. It doesn't matter about who I am or who you are. Not to me. I think it would have always been this way for me. Even if we had never escaped the slums. Ever since the beginning. Ever since I've known you, you've struck my heart, and now I have to let you go because you're not mine to keep. I need someone that I can be strong for. But I need someone who can also be strong for me.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“The first time I met him, I accidentally turned his nose into a penis. I was young and thought about dick a lot.”
Ryan almost fell down. For no apparent reason. He wasn’t even walking.
I arched an eyebrow at him. “You okay?”
“I just…,” Ryan started. “I don’t….Sam.”
“That pretty much sums up how we all feel about Sam,” Gary said. “Fond with strong overtures of horror.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“I’m a dragon, and maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll be dragon my balls across your face later.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Hi, Sam!"
"Hi, Tiggy."
"You okay?"
"Yes, Tiggy."
"Tiggy smash something for Sam?"
"No, Tiggy."
"Tiggy smash something for Sam."
He smashed one of the wooden sparring dummies.
"Thank you, Tiggy."
"Tiggy smash!" he bellowed and then proceeded to smash three more.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Good-bye, self-esteem and fuzzy feelings. It was so nice to make your acquaintance.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“No cursing,” I scolded him. “You’re a knight. You don’t get to do that. You gave up that right when you swore your oath to the King. You have to lead by example now. So say stuff like ‘fudge toast’ and ‘mothercrackers’ instead of ‘shit whore’ and ‘fuck storm.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Gary, why Sam sweating?”
“Well you see, my dear Tiggy. When a boy loves another boy very much, it makes him awkward and have feelings in his penis and mmmphh!”
“Sam, why you use magic and glue Gary’s mouth shut?”
“Is that what that was? Gosh! I just thought I was singing to myself!”
“MMMMPH!”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“If Sam were a tree, you know what kind of tree he’d be?”
“What kind?”
“A pine. Because of all the pining.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“You just have to believe,” I said as I flexed.
“I believe you should work out more if you’re going to keep doing that,” Gary said. “Because it’s making me feel sad for you.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“I am a strong, independent unicorn,
and I will not take your shit.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“We went into the Dark Woods and I almost had to get gay fairy married again and now I feel really bad and Ryan got bad-touched by trees and Fairy King Dimitri was cryptic and annoying and apparently has a size kink.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Hi, my name is Ryan Foxheart. Oh no! There’s danger afoot! Let me pull out my sword and pose.” I mimed pulling a sword from my side and cocked an eyebrow. “Notice how dashing I am. And immaculate. And today, my hair is parted on the right. Wink.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“How is that weird?” Dark the First asked incredulously. “Literally everyone does it. Literally.”
“I really wish you’d stop saying literally,” Dark the Second said. “I literally don’t think you understand what that word means.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Pfft,” I scoffed. “Feelings. I don’t have feelings.” I had so many feelings. None of them were good.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“Are they speaking in code?” Mom asked Dad, trying to be quiet but failing miserably. “I don’t know,” Dad said. “I don’t speak wizard.” “Neither do I. I feel like we’ve failed as parents.” “Nah,” Dad said easily. “Look at him. He’s adorable and knows how to put on his own pants. We did good.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart

“I’m going to have to work out even more now tomorrow to make up for all the potatoes and bread. Okay. I feel bad. That was a lie. I’m not going to work out at all. That sounds just awful.”
― T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart