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405 pages, Paperback
First published July 20, 2015
“The one and only time that I went...”Hilarious.
“Of the four times that I've been...”
“On my eighth time there...”
“Of the twenty-six times that I've attended...”
“You capitalized that, didn’t you,” Morgan sighed.Sam doesn't believe that Ryan even knows he exists (he's ooooh so wrong) and, without fail, squeaks and runs away whenever he sees Ryan, which had been happening for 5 years running.
“I did,” I said. “That’s how you know it’s epic.”
Gary’s rage glitter subsided. “The most epic there could be.”
"Dear Dragon, I've heard Justin is quite delicious. Bon appetite! I'll supply dessert. *Kisses*"
Now was Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart climbing slowly out of the river, water cascading down his body, dripping over miles and miles of muscle. He wore nothing but a thin, white undergarment that stuck and clung to his groin and thighs. He reached down, the muscles in his back flexing as he scooped up water in his hands and brought it up and over his head. His nipples were pebbled. His chest was covered in a smattering of wet hair. He was lines and corded muscle, definition and carved from stone. If I had let my eyes linger, I would have sworn I could see the outline of his cock through the wet fabric. My skin felt tight and flushed and I wanted. There was green and gold, and it was so fucking bright that I almost had to shut my eyes from the weight of it.HAWT!
“I swear he’s doing this on purpose,” Gary whispered hotly.
“I swear I want to do him on purpose,” I breathed.
Gary choked and I didn’t care.
I would never have him. I knew this. It wasn’t meant to be.
But that didn’t mean I couldn’t be creepy and have this one fucking moment where I could pretend and wish and hope and dream and yes, now I had an erection and it was fucking awful.
1.) Sam and Ryan do (as expected) get their happily ever after.
-- and --
2.) The sexy scenes, once they finally, finally FINALLY get together, are almost worth the wait and very worthy of the rest of this very good book.
** I only say 'almost' because I tend to be an impatient bitch, but if they had cheated, it would've ruined the entire experience for me, so I'm truly thankful that they didn't.
“I don’t have time for all the relations and courting and wooing bullshit,” I said. “I’m a wizard. I have quests.”
“Uh, you’re an apprentice,” Gary said. “And you’re sent on errands.”
“Horse?” Gary snarled. The pretty unicorn act dropped immediately. Red sparks shot from his nose. “Did you just call me a horse? Listen here, you two-legged bag of shit. I’m not a motherfucking horse. I am a unicorn, and I am magic and a beautiful creature made of fucking sunshine and rainbows and good feelings.”
This review is posted on Wendy's Wycked Words
First of all, I just want to let it be known that this book deserves to have a sequel, no matter how obvious it was that it certainly will. But just so there’s no sliver of doubt and I can have peace of mind, I’ll say it again: The Lightning-Struck Heart must have a sequel. No, scratch that. The Lightning-Struck Heart cannot not have sequelssss. You hear me T.J. Klune? Huh? Huh?! (I’m not really good at taunting authors.)
Now that I’ve finally let it out, onto the review!
If you are a hardcore fan of fantasy books, magic, wizards, and medieval kingdoms, you may think, “Pffft! Puh-lease! I’ve seen (or read) it all.” But if you haven’t read this book, I can assure you that you haven’t seen it all. And that’s probably my cue to throw the book right on your smug face. Although, I’m not really a fan of violence and that’s kind of cruel to the book, and I only have my iPhone for a reading device so that would be unwise and stupid. But you get the point, yeah?
To say that this book is epic and awesome would be an understatement. So to give it justice, I’ll follow Sam of Wilds with the whole capitalization thing such that this book officially is The Most Awesome and Epic Fantasy Book of All Time! God, that felt great.
In all honesty though, I’ve never had the pleasure of reading a book of this caliber. It felt like being high all the time. Okay, not a good metaphor but still! Everything was just amped up – like every time your favorite song comes on the radio and you can’t help turning the volume to max.
And I dare ask: How does T.J. do that? This was beyond any normal level of hilarious and witty. I was worried I’d have bad gas from the nonstop laughing. I was practically crying and wheezing. It was like this book was written especially for my generation. Make no mistake, the book was set during the medieval times but it was more like being in an alternate universe where the medieval people are updated with everything happening on social media and the contemporary gibberish of our era.
“You mad, bro?”
“Love you, boo!”
“Baby. Look at me. Hey. Baby. Listen.”
“Don’t need no mens.”
And the sarcasm? The banter? The cursing and the dirty talk? The sex puns? Never forget the sex puns.
Genius and uncensored! Exasperatingly funny, but genius nonetheless. I think this broke all literary conventions. It was practicing poetic license at its finest.
And I see where your mind is going. I know you’re thinking, “If the 171K of words is mostly this kind of shit, where’s the story? Is there any substance at all?” Yeah, I read your mind, buddy. I’m also a wizard. No, I’m not. But if you’re worried there’s no concrete plot, I’m quoting Sam when he reflected on the many (and I say that exaggeratedly) twists he went through:
That night, I lay on my back on the roof of the keep, watching the stars above, wondering just how in the hell my life had gotten to this point.
Then I realized it was mostly my fault, and that made me sort of depressed and happy all at the same time.
I told myself that it was because I was extraordinarily complex.
I’m stopping there because you don’t want to know the rest of what he said (spoiler: he contradicted the whole thing). But I do agree (before he contradicted himself). Despite the shenanigans and the madfuckery that this book contain, the story was extraordinarily complex. It was unpredictable and unconventional. Each chapter practically a subplot of epic proportions. And the characters? Dynamic and non-stereotypical. All of them, even the secondary characters, were unique and bursting with vibrant personality. Reading their banter was endearing. Well, in the case of Sam and Ryan – frustratingly arousing and coated with deep sexual tension. I never expected to be affected by it so much, I had the case of blue balls for 3 days. Yes, imagine! Or don’t imagine. But foreplay with just words? Talk about enlightening!
Okay, I got a little sidetracked there. But yeah, if you’re worried about the storyline, don’t. I assure you, this has the right mix of humor and a great plot going on. You have to hand it to Sam though. I was mostly drawn to him. Yeah, he was badass and all kinds of awesome but that’s not the reason you will love him. Even though he will probably be the greatest wizard of all time, I was warmed by his vulnerability. He is an underdog through and through and I can't help but empathize with him. He is the epitome of martyrdom and the face of unrequited love. He is a walking irony – powerful and helpless at the same time. He is the heart of this story because it’s his very humanity for which you will feel that deep, resounding connection.
We’ve all been down that road at one point in our life. The endless pining and the insecurities? Been there, done that.
“There’s someone out there for you. Someone who will love your hair and your words and your eyes and the way you scrunch up your nose when you’re thinking hard on something. He will love you for all of the things that you are and all of the things you aren’t. He’ll love you beyond all reason and will be convinced that you hung the sun and the moon. He will see the stars and wish for only you. Someone will love every single part of who you are, and my gods, I can’t wait for the day to meet him to tell him thank you.”
As much as this book made me laugh, I can’t count the number of times I also cried because don’t we all deserve that love? I realized we were (or are or will be) Sam of Wilds at some point in our also badass lives. We also wish the same things he did. We also give it everything we’ve got. Because of this, Sam will probably be one of my most favorite protagonists of all time.
T.J. Klune, you are my new hero! Thank you for sharing your literary gift to the world. If there are Sam Girls, then I can unabashedly say that I am most definitely a T.J. Girl from here on. Secret fan meetings? I'm so down with that!
Extremely funny book except I found it farcical and stereotyped; like a 400+ page slapstick SNL impersonation of the LGBT individual. I'm sorry but I was not amused and had it not been for the presence of Kevin- the dragon- this would have been rated one star.