The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant Quotes

“I got into magic because I got into alchemy. Which I got into because I was into chemistry, which I was learning about because I wanted to get better with botany, which I had taken up studying in an effort to grow some killer weed”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“I missed the days when I would silently judge seemingly crazy people in a park, instead of being one of them.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“This book is dedicated to the uncool, uncoordinated, unexceptional, uncharming, uninteresting, and especially the unashamed. To everyone from the Awkwards to the Zeroes, living as the proud oddballs they are. This book is dedicated to my people.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“Krystal snorted out a laugh. “Hit on me? Freddy, Bubba is gay. Like really gay. Gayer than a unicorn butt-fucking a rainbow. You’re the one he has a little crush on.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“It’s curious that children can either be expert liars or utterly incapable of hiding their emotions, and the classification changes from minute to minute.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“Vampire strength might not let me lift cars, but I will tear up some shrubbery all day long.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“You’re a good man who happens to be a vampire. We aren’t human, but that doesn’t make us monsters.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“Are you telling me that vampires and werewolves are the reason America won the Revolutionary War?,” I asked, dumbfounded.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“My unlife was so boring that even the woman who hunted monsters saw me as harmless.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“Look, I’ll tell you what I do, but you won’t believe me.” …
“Given that I just found you bound and gagged, my mind is somewhat more receptive than it might normally be.”
“Well then, here’s the deal,” Krystal said as she sat down next to me. “Everything you think you know about monsters is a lie. Ghouls, ghosts, werewolves and more are real and hiding out behind the scenes in our world. Officially, they are known as parahumans.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“You will eventually discover that under the movie stereotypes, imposed mystique, and overall inflated expectations, each and every one of us is at least a touch more boring than our images would indicate. And that is not a bad thing.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“Are you telling me that vampires and werewolves are the reason America won the Revolutionary War?” I asked, dumbfounded. “No, I’m saying America somehow managed to pull it out thanks to the French,” Krystal scoffed. There was a beat of silence, then Albert said: “You know, when you think about it, her version makes a lot more sense.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“Albert died in an unfortunate accident sometime ago and was raised as a zombie by his amateur necromancer friend, Neil. Bubba was a new friend we had acquired in Vegas when helping him gain back the freedom he had previously gambled away. The fourth member of our group, a government agent and my girlfriend named Krystal, was out of town for work this week, thus I was conducting my first weekly scrabble tournament with just the three of us. Which leaves only me to be accounted for in the explanation. My name. which I hope you know by now. is Frederick Frankford Fletcher and I am a vampire, though still not the type that inspires swooning or terror.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“In retrospect, that was the first of many mistakes.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant: Fred the Vampire Accountant #1

“Everything you think you know about monsters is a lie.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“It’s the damn holidays,” Krystal said. “If all you have is an addiction, then seeing everyone connecting with friends and family will leave you feeling lonely. So running off to the only thing that seems to give you joy and validation sounds like a good idea.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“the worst kind of criminal,” Bubba said. “Smuggler?” Albert asked. “Gun-runner?” Neil ventured. “Assassin?” I guessed. Bubba shook his head. “Politician.” We “oooohed” collectively as a group as understanding set in.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“Everything you think you know about monsters is a lie. Ghouls, ghosts, werewolves, all of them and more are real and hiding out behind the scenes in our world. Officially, they are known as ‘parahumans,’ and part of my job is to hunt down the ones that get out of hand.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“Even though Krystal and I had begun dating after our high school reunion a few weeks back, we had only formalized our relationship as being committed a few days ago. I suppose that doesn’t sound like much, but when the majority of your mortal life was spent cuddling up to a tub of ice cream and a classic film, getting a girlfriend still held something of a primordial thrill.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“It’s the damn holidays,” Krystal said. “If all you have is an addiction, then seeing everyone connecting with friends and family will leave you feeling lonely. So running off to the only thing that seems to give you joy and validation sounds like a good idea. It’s a sad scenario, and I wish my agency was doing more to help it.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“Working with dracolings requires a two year long certification process that has to be renewed annually. That’s how complicated interacting with them is.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“The morning after being turned into a vampire, I instantly knew some things were going to have to change. I would no longer be able to make it into work at the accounting firm, I would have to forgo any walks in the sunshine, and I would need to get used to a far more liquid-based diet.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

“these men looked as though trouble would be sleeping with the light on for a week and double bolting its doors after even a brief encounter with them.”
― Drew Hayes, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant