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Fred, the Vampire Accountant #1

The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

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Some people are born boring. Some live boring. Some even die boring. Fred managed to do all three, and when he woke up as a vampire, he did so as a boring one. Timid, socially awkward, and plagued by self-esteem issues, Fred has never been the adventurous sort.

One fateful night – different from the night he died, which was more inconvenient than fateful – Fred reconnects with an old friend at his high school reunion. This rekindled relationship sets off a chain of events thrusting him right into the chaos that is the parahuman world, a world with chipper zombies, truck driver wereponies, maniacal necromancers, ancient dragons, and now one undead accountant trying his best to “survive.” Because even after it’s over, life can still be a downright bloody mess.

300 pages, Paperback

First published July 26, 2014

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Drew Hayes

47 books3,820 followers

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,671 reviews
Profile Image for Tink Magoo is bad at reviews.
1,262 reviews203 followers
March 13, 2017
Before -

Truck driver wereponies?! SOLD!!

After -

This is sectioned into parts that each have a different 'bad guy' and a new friend for Fred to make along the way. I can see that some may find the formula boring, but I still liked the new introductions and how each little problem was resolved.

Plus Fred is a pretty likable accountant. Which is rare, vampirism not withstanding.
Profile Image for Scott.
292 reviews317 followers
June 23, 2018
Dracula with a suit n' tie job in accounts. Lestat with a nightshift gig at an auditing firm, Edward Cullen cooking the books for a handful of small businesses. How could you not want to read a book about a vampire accountant?

Drew Hayes deserves an Oscar, a nebula or some other award for both the title of this book- The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant - and for the concept that underpins it.

I come from a long line of accountants and the idea of one of my mild-mannered pencil-pusher ancestors actually being a bloodsucking prince of the night really brought the lols for me.

Protagonist Frederick Frankford Fletcher is a nerd. A geek. The last person to be picked for sports teams. A cardigan and loafer wearing accountant with few friends and a very, very boring life.

Then one night he wakes up dead, under a dumpster, and discovers he is no longer human- he is nosferatu, a drinker of blood, a creature of the darkness – he is vampyr. He is faster, stronger, possessed of keener senses and allergies to silver and the sun. He is an apex predator whose prey is everyone around him.

So, with his new immortality and predatory hungers he… goes home and continues his life as an accountant, working from a home office in his loafers and cardigan, doing dodgy accounts work for a local hospital in exchange for a supply of donated blood, and keeping out of the sun.

He isn’t tortured, or riven by existential questions, or by the fact that he now needs blood to survive. On the contrary, he’s pleased that he’ll now live long enough to see how his investments will pan out.

I loved this idea. It’s the perfect antidote to the Ann Rice model of tortured, sexy vampires that has spread across both books and movies, a model that Fred is very aware of not living up to (and one that the story references for humour value).

Hayes uses this concept pretty well, sending Fred to his high school reunion, where his old bullies are unaware that he is now of the immortal undead, and on a series of adventures through an underworld of vampires, magic and fey beings that exists alongside our own. Fred of course, grows both as a person, and as an undead predator, in ways both satisfying and amusing.

This is a light hearted, fun story, one that breezes by while you’re reading it- the sort of tasty reading snack that is perfect between heavier or longer books, almost a palate cleanser of a novel.

The story feels a little episodic at times, with unnecessary recaps at the beginnings of some of the chapters that made me wonder whether it was originally serialised on a blog or in a magazine, but it’s otherwise a fun and diverting story - just the trick if you’ve been mired in heavier reads.

Three and a half fresh blood bags out of five.
Profile Image for Becky.
832 reviews155 followers
August 22, 2016
I am truly shocked that this is rated so highly. I honestly checked to see if it was self published or originally published in serial form, to see if there was any excuse for reintroducing the main characters to me, again, in chapter five, for the fifth time. Atrociously repetitive. Contrived and flat.

Profile Image for Joey Baker.
43 reviews11 followers
October 2, 2015
I really really really wanted this to be good. I did. The title sold me and it turned out to be the books best quality. Plagued with amateurish writing and joke that fall flat, the whole thing reads like chess club fantasy porn. The nice vamp gets the hot girl who was also a outcast in school (but has slimmed down of course) and meanders his way through his afterlife with a growing selection of cw-ready cardboard super palls. Just as Freddy's vampire daddy laments in the final story of this collection, Fred has so much potential he just doesn't live up to..
April 6, 2021
Looks like vampirism involves an efficiency boon for an accountant. Gotta love how averagely outatanding Fred is. Along with his newly acquired GF, Krystal and other paranormal friends.
If you have never been fortunate enough to see a look of utter surprise race across a werewolf’s face, I highly recommend you do so. (c)
I couldn’t even fathom what would make someone incorporate something this asinine into their own fantasies. Still, I was supposed to blend, so blend I did. (с)
Let me tell you something: I’ve been forced to do some ridiculous things in my lifetime. I’ve put my head in the toilet for swirlies, eaten dirt, even been made to dance like a cha-cha girl on one humiliating occasion, all to avoid being beaten up. For the dickens though, I cannot imagine what would make someone willingly do what we did as we crept through the crowd. We did our hunch walk with our finger horns, skulking through them, all the while pretending they couldn’t see us.  Adding to the oddness, they all clearly noticed us and wanted to know what was going on, but had to pretend we were invisible. (c)
It was like embarrassment and stupidity, compacted. (c)
If we have to choose between putting down a revolution of mages or offering counseling to depressed pixies, guess where the funds end up? (c)
“How long has your non-existent little agency non-existed?” I asked.
“Since the beginning,” (c)
I missed the days when I would silently judge seemingly crazy people in a park, instead of being one of them. (c)
... since one cluster was debating the viability of robot designs in science fiction worlds while another argued if Lincoln was a time-traveler, I didn’t imagine our conversation would stand out too much. (c)
“I got into magic because I got into alchemy. Which I got into because I was into chemistry, which I was learning about because I wanted to get better with botany, which I had taken up studying in an effort to grow some killer weed.” (c)
As for the rest, I have no idea. Maybe I cast a tornado to cool down.
Profile Image for Melody Winter.
Author 20 books115 followers
June 18, 2014
Fred, as I think everyone will call this book, is a wonderful, imaginative book. He's not as uninteresting as the full title makes out, in fact, he's not as unadventurous either.

Drew, the author, guides us through a series of adventures, and, in each one Fred unwillingly picks up new friends.

Drew breathes life (no pun intended seeing as most of his friends are various forms of the un-dead)into each and every character, but my favourite was Bubba. Bubba is a weresteed (cough, cough)but he was far from what I expected. I laughed so much during his scene of transformation and the ensuing events. Even when Bubba's story was over, he continued with his presence throughout the rest of the book--I loved him!

Only one little niggle. I found it slightly repetitive at the start of each adventure, confirming who everyone was and where and how Fred met them, but this didn't detract from the overall story. I can imagine this is a useful reminder if you read one adventure and then don't start the next for a few days--but I devoured this book, and read it cover to cover in a day.

All in all, it was a book that had me laughing so much I cried, and screeching out loud at certain one-liners which Drew seems to have an arsenal full of and willingly lets his characters use. I giggled at the visuals he created, seriously wondering at times if he was 'tripping' when he wrote them! But, do you know what? I don't care. Drew has created a wonderful pot of characters, and I would love to see more of Fred and his friends.

Time for a sequel, Mr Hayes!
Profile Image for Jen - The Tolkien Gal.
458 reviews4,463 followers
November 10, 2018
Buddy read with The MacHalos Sorry if I'm about 2 months late...heh.

This one has been collecting digital dust in my Audible library for a while now so it's time to start spring cleaning.

Image result for awkward vampire

What a whirlwind! Review to come. Solid urban fantasy read - haven't had enough of those in a long time.

December 16, 2015
This book's title was meant to be funny, but unfortunately it is all too accurate. The author is trying to take a weak, cowardly character and make them interesting through an injection of the supernatural. The closest parallel I can come up with is the incompetent and cowardly wizard Rincewind, from Terry Pratchett's extensive Discworld universe. However, instead of creating an interesting character, like Rincewind, the protagonist's main feature seems to be that he is just very annoying. If he weren't so irritating, he'd otherwise be completely uninteresting.

It is quite likely that it isn't the character who is so annoying, but rather, it's the narrative. Like tofu, this character seems to absorb the flavor of the narrative particularly well, as he has no other defining features (other than, like tofu, being bland and squishy). The narrative, which is in the first person, feels that it is necessary to repeatedly point out uninteresting or obvious features of the world. Many of the points are themselves well-known clichés, which adds to the sense of being talked down to by the narrator. Vampires are not alive, I'm pretty sure that everyone who opened the book, other than the rare individual who had never come across anything about these “vampires”, understood this.

The only other character I encountered, before giving up on this book entirely, is a character named Krystal, although quite frankly a better name might have been “Boobs McPlotpoint”. Her salient feature is that she was once a bullied fat girl, who is now a buxom agent of a secret society devoted to policing the supernatural. She seems less a character and more of a lure for the character, and the audience, than a fully developed personality.

It's also amazing how easy it is to suppress popular knowledge of the supernatural given that werewolves holding hostage entire auditoriums full of people are routine occurrences. A few bribed police officers somehow makes everyone forget that they were held hostage by things that can tear apart a car. I can only assume that the author thinks that the public at large is as dumb as his readers.
Profile Image for maria.
569 reviews355 followers
November 3, 2015
I have recently become addicted to audio books. I just figured that they weren’t something I would enjoy and that my mind would wander and I would miss things as I was listening. I have now realized that this is not the case. I’m lucky that I have a job in which I sit at a desk all day. Some may not find that appealing, but I work in a capacity where I get to use my creativity on a daily basis. I decided to try out listening to audio books as I work and it has been a life changer. The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, The Vampire Accountant happened to be the “Daily Deal” on the audible website one day. I had never heard of this story beforehand, but the synopsis was appealing and I decided to give it a go.

The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, The Vampire Accountant started out strong as I found myself wanting to learn more about this awkward vampire and his unfortunate life. The idea of a socially awkward, non-violent and timid vampire sounded very original and creative to me as you definitely don’t see much of them in the fictional vampire world. Initially, I loved how interesting and adventurous the story actually was! I loved the character of Fred and his long lost high school best friend, Crystal. Throughout the story, Fred finds himself as a new vampire in the paranormal world and his character develops well.

As you can see, I loved the aspect of this story and the characters within. What I didn’t enjoy was how redundant it became. This story is divided into sections where each section chronologically tells the story of a moment in Fred’s life…or his death, if you will. The first few sections were great as we meet a few new characters that Fred interacts with including Crystal, Bubba who happens to be a were-steed and Albert, a young man brought back from the dead by his necromancer best friend, as a zombie. Obviously, this all sounds hilariously entertaining, as it was. The problem was about half-way through the story things started to blend together. Each story brought on a new paranormal bad guy in which the group of friends would have to fight off while Fred continuously discovered new things about himself.

It was hard to recognize the climax of the story as there wasn’t just one, but rather multiple as they were scattered throughout each section. Looking at it, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, The Vampire Accountant was more of a collection of short stories. I don’t mind short stories, but I would have liked to have had a little more warning before getting into the story.

I found myself becoming a little bored with this audio book as it went on as it just seemed to drag on. What started off well ended pretty poorly, not in terms of the writing or characterization, but more in the way that I just started to lose interest.
Profile Image for Annery.
959 reviews127 followers
January 15, 2019
As usual I'm late to the party but this was a much needed breath of fresh air.

Fred used to be a more than mild mannered and somewhat overweight accountant until one day he found himself part of the undead. The thing is vampire or not, besides weight loss and enhanced abilities, he's the same Fred and that's a beautiful thing.

The book is told in a series of vignettes that Fred is writing for "posterity" and in each Fred acquires knowledge about the other paranormal creatures that inhabit our world and picks up a chosen family along the way: Krystal, Fred's former high school classmate, now a kick-ass agent for The Agency, and an unexpected love interest, Albert, the sweetest zombie accounting assistant ever, Bubba etc. But most of all there's Fred who's nerdtastic and makes accounting heroic. I loved it! Super fun.

I feel like I'm burying the lead. I did this as an audio by Kirby Heyborne AMAZEBALLS. You won't regret it.
Profile Image for REUTS Publications.
5 reviews18 followers
May 14, 2014
We love vampires. We love snarkiness. "Fred" (shortened title) has a lot of both. Similar to You Suck, by Christopher Moore, "Fred" takes the paranormal genre and turns it on its head. A favorite amongst the REUTS team, we hope you love it as much as we do!
Profile Image for Leo.
4,385 reviews407 followers
March 17, 2021
This was a fun and unique twist on the old vampire tale. In this the vampire don't go all badass with an crazy and intense afterlife after he changed. No he continues with his job as an accountant and he's life is pretty calm however it all changes one night. This was as I said before, a fun book but I don't think I would want to continuing the series if there is one.
Profile Image for Tammie.
1,353 reviews158 followers
July 29, 2017
Some people are born boring. Some live boring. Some even die boring. Fred managed to do all three, and when he woke up as a vampire, he did so as a boring one.

This was our book club pick for July. I enjoyed it quite a bit and found Fred the vampire to be quite clever and lovable, even if he was somewhat boring as an individual. In the beginning Fred goes to his high school reunion and runs into an old friend who ends up spicing his life up a bit. The book is divided into different stories about Fred. He ends up collecting a new friend in each new story, until he has his own little group of friends, who all happen to be supernatural beings like him. Besides the high school reunion story there are also stories about a LARP, a trip to Vegas, and a couple of kidnappings.

This book was funny, but not as funny as I was expecting it to be. For me, the best part was the jousting duel in Vegas. Just picturing that makes me laugh, but I don't want to spoil anything so I'm not going to give away any of the details. It turns out there are more books about Fred but I think I'm fine with calling this a stand-alone. It was a fun diversion, but not something that I really want to invest a lot of time in. If you are looking for something light to read between heavier, more complicated books, then this would fit the bill perfectly.

Check out my blog Writings of a Reader for a look at our vampire themed drinks in blood bags.
Profile Image for Emily.
137 reviews2 followers
September 1, 2015
To be perfectly honest, the only reason I didn't abandon this book was because it was so short and fluffy.

As many other reviewers have noted, this isn't one cohesive story--it's a collection of short stories. Sort of. They go in chronological order, and they are all from the same perspective. They feel like episodic chapters. They are not entirely separate entities, but they are too-neatly built up and then resolved in the space of a few pages. It's like the author had ideas for how the paranormal in this world would work, but he couldn't think big enough to create a whole story to tie it together. It's like a cheesy sitcom.

I was also disappointed by the writing style itself. The stories are full of cliches, both in words/phrases as well as in character development. There is no poetry to the writing, and the main character is irritating at best. I should have known when he started off by lamenting that he used to get "toilet swirlies" when he was bullied in high school. How much more generic and cliche can you get, honestly?

It's also a terrible sign when all of the world building is done by exhausting explanation by secondary characters. Getting our main character "up to speed" is a cop out way of telling rather than showing us the world. Lazy, lazy.

It's a fast read, I'll give it that.
Profile Image for ✨Susan✨.
926 reviews183 followers
June 15, 2016
This book is about a squeamish, shy accountant who gets turned into a vampire and he remains that same little backwards guy until... he meets a woman who works for a paranormal agency. She helps him to start coming out of his shell and to make new friends. The only problem is, is that one is a zombie and one is a changling. This is a compelation of three funny story's that ties all of their funny, crazy adventures together.
Profile Image for Niki Hawkes - The Obsessive Bookseller.
737 reviews1,259 followers
March 11, 2021
I must be more of a cover snob than I thought because had I not received a review copy (for audio production quality) I would have never picked this up. Although I will say it fits the story perfectly.

It was a fun story. More a series of episodes (I remember hearing that this author specializes in web-serials, so that makes sense), it felt like reading a bunch of novellas with a solid through-line.

A boring (self-proclaimed), awkward white collar worker turned vampire was a funny duality. The character didn’t change much, which was a delight. It was a twist on an overdone genre that I’ve never seen before and I quite liked it. It was also pretty nerd-tastic (a good thing), and one of my favorite stories from the bunch had a whole LARPing section. The writing was conversational, sardonic, and self-depreciating. A very clear voice that made the characters likable and the experience of reading about them fun and light-hearted.

Really, there wasn’t anything I didn’t like about the book. While it didn’t knock my socks off, it was a nice little splice of fun amidst my other reading. I’m not sure if I’ll be continuing. I find myself much more interested in his Superpowereds series, but we’ll see.

Recommendations: the sardonic voice and short episodic nature of this story makes it easy to recommend. It’s a lot of fun without a lot of commitment. I think it would be great for people who want to read more but struggle with time or motivation. It’s quite satisfying to read short stories like this from start to finish in a single setting. And the through-line of the plot in each one will keep you coming back to see what happens next.

Via The Obsessive Bookseller at www.NikiHawkes.com

Other books you might like:
All Systems Red (The Murderbot Diaries, #1) by Martha Wells Jhereg (Vlad Taltos, #1) by Steven Brust Storm Front (The Dresden Files, #1) by Jim Butcher Dead Until Dark (Sookie Stackhouse, #1) by Charlaine Harris Blood Engines (Marla Mason, #1) by T.A. Pratt
Profile Image for Linda.
668 reviews28 followers
Shelved as 'abandoned'
July 14, 2018
Another one abandoned at 50%, although I adore the title and the premise.

Primary quibble: Ridiculously repetitive.

I started to wonder if this was originally published as a series of essays, because basic facts are repeated throughout the book. For example, early in the book, Fred becomes reacquainted with his love interest at a school reunion. And then at least twice before the halfway point in the book, he reminds us that he met his girlfriend at a school reunion. Am I supposed to have forgotten this? He also tells us multiple times that she is thin and blonde, in case we forgot. And he reminds us why he wears fake glasses even though he doesn’t need them as a vampire. I remembered after you told us the first time, thank you.

Smaller quibble: Male fantasy

While Fred is as awkward as ever as a vampire, he is now irresistible to the super hot girl who was also an outcast in high school. They were both overweight before and now are not, so surely that’s crucial to the magnetic pull (eyeroll). This love interest has absolutely no human flaws. She’s super hot (thin and blonde!), funny, competent, confident, tough, and totally smitten with the mild mannered vampire accountant.

Also suffers from a lot of telling instead of showing.

* Update, I just learned from reading other reviews that this is a series of short stories rather than a novel. This explains the repetition, I suppose.
Profile Image for Alissa.
629 reviews88 followers
April 7, 2017
3.5 stars rounded up because it was a nice fun read, perfect for October. Several evil villains and paranormal clichés are played for laugh in a simple and episodic tale which follows Fred the vampire and his motley crew. The “accountant” in the title did it for me; I simply can't resist the lure of fangy economics!

Did I mention the were-pony?

I prowled the darkness at first, hoping to find others of my kind, but after a few movies depicting the vampire political system, I started staying in more. I didn’t really have the constitution for such constant subterfuge and betrayal.
A pleasant evening with merlot, blood, and brie worked just fine, thank you very much.
Profile Image for Allison Hurd.
Author 3 books750 followers
December 27, 2022
I have a hard time with books that talk about nerddom as nerddom, and UF that is misogynist.

Guess what this is!


Things that were fun:

-Bland vampire. It was fun watching a vampire who wasn't at all sure what a vampire ought to be. Imagine David Mitchell becoming a vampire and that's the best fun this book had to offer.

-Strong friends. Like David Mitchel is friends with big time celebrities and married to the witty, cunning, attractive Victoria, this was the same.

Things that annoyed me:

-Coercion of nerd spaces from a non-nerd space. If you thought Big Bang Theory was fun, you'll like this. If you found BBT to punch down, this won't impress you.

-Very limited masculine. This is still performing for the jocks. It's only funny and cool if seduction of hotttt chicks, mortal combat, and financial success are your definition of masculinity. Poor fucker.

It was light, it was fast, it was bland.
Profile Image for Wiebke (1book1review).
921 reviews493 followers
May 18, 2017
Now this was unexpected. I didn't know anything about this, was intrigued by the title, and ended up listening to it in one day.
It's a collection of adventures that are told by Fred and it is so much fun. It's not overly comic or ridiculous but the tone of the whole story and the events are just fun.
Profile Image for Lucy Dosch (EBookObsessed).
1,082 reviews22 followers
December 20, 2020
Update: I just relistened to the new Graphic Audio recording of Fred. It was so good and it will definitely be worth repurchasing the series.

I found boring Fred and his misfit friends to be delightful. This book is a set of five short stories and in each, Fred stands up for those he cares about but stays true to his modest and former life as a nerdy accountant. Like Dorothy on her way to Oz, Fred picks up new friends as he goes through each story and he evolves from a loner to a leader of misfits.

This is one of those books that calls to you and you don’t know why. When Tantor offered me a review copy of Fred, I went back to it three times before I finally confessed that I was so intrigued that I had to have a copy. I am glad that I did. It wasn’t the most nail-biting exciting book (hence the name), but it was great storytelling.

We start out meeting Fred. Fred has been a vampire for about a year and he explains that being a vampire is nothing like it is depicted in the movies. He hasn’t suddenly become better looking or more charming. His life hasn’t suddenly become more glamorous. Fred is still a boring introvert who hangs out in his apartment watching his vast movie collection and doing what he does best — accounting. He stays in during the day due to his new allergy to sunlight and his new liquid diet has helped slim him down. Since the “hunting” of his own dinner is an unmitigated failure which he doesn’t want to discuss, he has made a deal with a local hospital that needed help juggling their books for a ready blood supply.

In the first story, Fred decides to be bold and travel to attend his ten-year high school reunion, buying a non-refundable ticket so he doesn’t back out and then remembers that he cannot fly during the day. The only person who comes up to him at the reunion is his old friend, Krystal. He doesn’t recognize her at first since she lost a lot of weight, gained a lot of muscle and had puberty bless her after high school. When the reunion goes awry by the attendance by a pack of werewolves, Fred’s inclination is to do like he would normally do in the face of a bully — run. But even a coward can’t let all those not-really-friends get slaughtered and he tries really hard to stand up to the pack. Um…thankfully, he gets help.

That’s how most of the stories go, Fred who is non-violent and non-confrontational is forced time and again to go against his nature to help those around him using his brains and some of his new enhanced vampire strengths and gaining new friends with each story.

This was great storytelling. I loved boring Fred and how he stayed true to himself throughout all the stories using his boring strengths and not becoming a sudden super-spy. Krystal is snarky and funny. There is one chapter read from Krystal’s point of view since Fred was not in the scene and let’s just say I was happy I wasn’t trying to eat or drink while listening because there would have been serious choking involved.

Never having met another supernatural nor any other vampires, Fred presumes that, like him, they are all still the same as before they were transformed. Krystal becomes Fred’s first real girlfriend and she knows a lot more about supernaturals than Fred and becomes an instructor of sorts to help Fred navigate this new world and try to convince him to leave his apartment once in a while.

You have to download this book in audiobook form. Narrator Kirby Heyborne is FABULOUS! Not only are his voices spot on perfect and brought these characters to life for me, but he adds so much extra to them. For example, Fred gets dragged to a LARP (live action role playing) and one of the people is pretending to be a vampire, complete with the plastic teeth. In his narration, Kirby includes the lisping and slurping that would be noted with someone wearing fake vampire teeth. Hysterical!

I have already purchased another Drew Hayes book, NPCs, and look forward to listening to that one. Unfortunately, that one is not narrated by Kirby Heyborne, but I am checking out some of the other novels which he did narrate to see if I can find one of interest.

I would definitely read more stories of Fred, Krystal and their Scooby-Doo gang.

Received a review copy from Tantor Audio in exchange for an honest review.
Profile Image for Latasha.
1,295 reviews383 followers
March 21, 2018
this was a lot better than I thought it would be. the stories were funny and original. the characters were a lot of fun. the only thing that bothered me was every chapter you got a recap of how the characters met and who was who. you don't need that. I would read more about Fred and his crazy pack of friends.
Profile Image for Jjazzrockes.
81 reviews
October 9, 2015
Uuummmm 54 pages in and here are five reasons you shouldn't read it:

1. Forced humor. There was maybe one line I thought was funny? Reads like a dude trying to make an unimpressed girl laugh.
2. Krystal. How dare you do that do your female character sir?
3. Fred really is very boring
4. There's zero depth? Like at all? I feel like I lost brain cells reading this
5. It feels like a reddit thread wish fulfillment novel. Lamo nerd nobody likes bc he's boring af gets turned into a vampire, does nothing with his life except watch movies and eat cheese, gets the busty, badass blond secret agent hunter girl, yeah? Ghad. Don't do this to your self.
Profile Image for Kit (Metaphors and Moonlight).
903 reviews126 followers
July 6, 2022
3.5 Stars

I have read over a hundred vampire books in my lifetime, but I can honestly say that Fred is unlike any other vampire I have ever read about. And this strange vampire’s unlife and POV did make for a fun, entertaining book. So here are my thoughts, in no particular order.

– The book was episodic—it was basically this man, Fred, telling some anecdotes about incidents that have happened in his life since becoming a vampire—but it worked well enough in this case. I do wonder though if these were originally published separately since, with each new “episode” (I don’t know if they were called that, I think they were journal entries, but I’m calling them that), things would be explained that were just explained or that just happened in the previous episodes. The repetition was mildly annoying but a small issue.

– Contrary to what Fred says, the title of this book is not quite true. Fred himself was rather uninteresting (more on that in a moment), but his life was not. Werewolves, necromancers, dragons—for a man who literally plans his spontaneity, he manages to get into quite a bit of trouble.

– When I said Fred was uninteresting, I didn’t mean that as an insult to the book. That was just his character. The man ironed his Halloween costume for goodness sake. He was a straight-laced accountant who rarely left his apartment, wore sweater vests, and got ulcers and stress headaches at the thought of confrontation. But then… he started changing. Slowly but surely, he started changing. Forget becoming a vampire, dating Crystal was the best thing that ever happened to him. (Ok, fine, becoming a vampire still helped, but he would’ve just gone on with his same lifestyle had she not come along.) I loved seeing his growth throughout the book, but I also loved that he was still himself at his core. He didn’t really have anyone he was close to throughout his life, but as he got a girlfriend and friends, he started to realize there were things worth risking his safety and solitude for sometimes. My favorite parts were when he actually showed some courage and did something awesome. My absolute favorite part was *SPOILER* *END SPOILER*

– The book was easy to put down, and I think that was my main issue. I enjoyed it, and I happily continued the series, but it was a little slow, and I think it was the episodic nature that made it hard for me to get that “I have to know what happens next” feeling.

– I listened to the audiobook, and I’ll admit I’m not an audiobook fan, but it worked well for this book; the writing was in first person, and it was supposed to be entries in a memoir, so it actually felt like the character was just reading it out loud to me. And the narrator, Kirby Heyborne, did a good job with the dialogue/voices, making them all sound different and natural enough. In fact, I think having this read aloud to me gave the story more life than it would’ve had if I had read it myself.

Overall, this was a light, funny, sweet book that I enjoyed with a vampire who was not your typical vampire but who was all the more lovable for it!

Recommended For:
Anyone who likes character growth, found family, characters who are quirky and good, lots of supernaturals, urban/paranormal fantasy that's slower paced and not too stressful, and a vampire who isn't your typical kind of vampire.

Original Review @ Metaphors and Moonlight
Profile Image for Sara.
196 reviews
October 22, 2017
I really wanted to like this book more than I did. It has a great premise--an utterly boring person becomes a paranormal, undead creature, and surprise--He's still boring. Finally! A book that turns all those urban fantasy tropes on their head. Unfortunately, this book isn't it. In fact, The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, The Vampire Accountant repeats a lot of the clichés it promises to tear to shreds.

I actually found myself wishing I could see more of the protagonist's day to day (er...night to night?) life as an accountant. Did he suddenly find himself immersed in the sordid world of the paranormal? Would he have to cook book for werewolf corporations? Would Fred uncover money laundering in a vampire mafia? Were warlocks underpaying their apprentices? Instead, Fred runs into an old friend at a high school reunion who just happens to be a paranormal investigator (no, not that kind.) Krystal is an agent for an organization like the FBI, but for the undead and magical beings in the USA. And she takes him (wittingly or unwittingly) on all her crazy adventures. In fact, Fred's accounting job is hardly mentioned past the beginning of the book.

As for Krystal, I feel like she could have been interesting, if she wasn't written to be so. She reads like a nerdy teenage fantasy--the fat nerd girl who grows into a beautiful, sexy, badass. Krystal even backs off when Fred steps on her toes as a professional, and proceeds to gaslight her own feelings. That whole scene made me very uncomfortable. Even her backstory reads of fantasy tropes I've heard too many times before. (I won't share them here because of spoilers.)

Fred is likeable, but it's his supporting cast that steals the show. Bubba might be my favorite character, because he has actual surprises in his characterization and backstory. He also seems to be the most capable out of the entire bunch. Amy provides a fresh insight into magic users that I think a lot of modern readers will enjoy.
Profile Image for Tala.
1 review
April 25, 2017
I had high hopes for the entertainment value of this book but it fell short. The storyline has a lot of potential but it was a struggle for me to read because I found all but the last chapter or two to be completely predictable. But that wasn't the worst part for me. The worst part was author repeatedly introducing the characters, explaining quips, and summarizing what we had just read. Yes, I know who Frederick is. Yes, I know that he is a vampire. Yes, I do in fact remember how he met his girlfriend and what her name and job are. And, for goodness' sake, yes, I know that ___ is just a figure of speech and that I shouldn't take it literally, given the undead nature of Frederick. Please stop telling me these things!! I felt like he wrote the book, found it to be too short and went back and added some filler.
Profile Image for Susanna Chon.
28 reviews1 follower
January 13, 2022
Quick read. Fred is far from boring in his new life and I'm happy he gets to meet new people that become his framily. He is open to trying things he has never done before and I like that he doesn't ever change the core of who he is and what his beliefs are. I would like to befriend Fred and his new friends in their never-ending adventures.
Profile Image for Feliciana.
78 reviews8 followers
Shelved as 'dnf'
August 12, 2022
This was not for me. I was hoping for something light, funny, and original. This was not. I stopped at 20%. The 20% I read was repetitive. It also included the tried and done tropes.

*I will not rate this since I read less than 50%, and maybe it gets better later.
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