Bored of the Rings Quotes

“He would have finished Goddam off then and there, but pity stayed his hand. 'It's a pity I've run out of bullets,' he thought.”
― Henry N. Beard, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“And don't trouble yourself too much if you don't laugh at what you are about to read, for if you perk up your pink little ear, you may hear the silvery tinkling of merriment in the air, far, far away . . . . It's us, buster. Ching!”
― Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“Toke a lid, smoke a lid, pop the mescalino! ...Hop a hill! Pop a pill! For old Tim Benzedrino!”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“To assist him in his duties there was a rather large police force which did nothing but extract confessions, mostly from squirrels.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“Do not mock powers beyond your knowledge, impudent hair-foot”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“Elf-dog," hissed Gimlet, retrieving his beard.
"Pig of a dwarf," suggested Legolam.
"Toymaker."
"Gold-digger.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“Do you like what you doth see . . . ?” said the voluptuous elf-maiden as she provocatively parted the folds of her robe to reveal the rounded, shadowy glories within. Frito’s throat was dry, though his head reeled with desire and ale. She slipped off the flimsy garment and strode toward the fascinated boggie unashamed of her nakedness. She ran a perfect hand along his hairy toes, and he helplessly watched them curl with the fierce insistent wanting of her. “Let me make thee more comfortable,” she whispered hoarsely, fiddling with the clasps of his jerkin, loosening his sword belt with a laugh. “Touch me, oh touch me,” she crooned. Frito’s hand, as though of its own will, reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast, while the other slowly crept around her tiny, flawless waist, crushing her to his barrel chest. “Toes, I love hairy toes,” she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny, pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito’s nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel. “But I’m so small and hairy, and . . . and you’re so beautiful,” Frito whimpered, slipping clumsily out of his crossed garters. The elf-maiden said nothing, but only sighed deep in her throat and held him more firmly to her faunlike body. “There is one thing you must do for me first,” she whispered into one tufted ear. “Anything,” sobbed Frito, growing frantic with his need. “Anything!” She closed her eyes and then opened them to the ceiling. “The Ring,” she said. “I must have your Ring.” Frito’s whole body tensed. “Oh no,” he cried, “not that! Anything but . . . that.” “I must have it,” she said both tenderly and fiercely. “I must have the Ring!” Frito’s eyes blurred with tears and confusion. “I can’t,” he said. “I mustn’t!” But he knew resolve was no longer strong in him. Slowly, the elf-maiden’s hand inched toward the chain in his vest pocket, closer and closer it came to the Ring Frito had guarded so faithfully . .”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody

“There were a great many beds arranged around the walls, all of which looked as though they had recently been slept in by perverted kangaroos...”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“If only I'd listened to my Uncle Poo-poo and gone into dentistry," whined Pepsi.
"If I'd stayed home, I'd be big in encyclopedias by now," sniffled Moxie.
"And if I had ten pounds o' ciment and a couple o' sacks, you'd a' both gone for a stroll in that pond an hour ago," said Spam.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“At the mention of his name, Frito gurgled loudly and fell off his sheep, and the Ring dropped out of his clothes and rolled to Orlon's feet. One of the sheep trotted up, licked it, and turned into a fire hydrant.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“I wish I were dead," whined Pepsi.
"So do I," said Moxie.
"May the good fairy what sits in the sky grant yer every wish," said Spam.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“...and several bowls of artificial fruit which couldn't have been mistaken for the real thing at fifty meters. These Pepsi and Moxie immediately ate.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“Allow me," said the elf, proffering Gimlet's beard to Frito, who was now sneezing uncontrollably.”
― The Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings