Unapologetic Love Story Quotes

“This is for the autistic women who have a special interest in romance. Who have been chronically misunderstood or given a million labels before finding one that truly fits. For the ones who love love. Who know that there is resistance in joy.
This is for autistics who fuck, basically.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“He loved me unapologetically. He saw me and loved me in and out of my mask. Now I no longer wear one. My whole life, I’ve felt unnatural. But with him, everything is easy.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“The mask was gone. At some point in the evening, it had started to slip away and was now forgotten. Perhaps in a twirl of the dress. A flash of a camera. Or the words of a smiling producer with a horrible idea.
Or perhaps a message from the one person she wanted more than anything.
It was gone. She was raw. If Clark Kent’s signature glasses did represent autistic masking, they’d been discarded. She was her full, unmasked, alien self.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“How many times have you seen a love story with a girl like me? Probably never. You’d have to search like a fucking explorer. I wanted to find that. I searched everywhere. I made a space for people like me. Where we could say things without being ridiculed. Without the majority being disgusted. Where we could bolster each other. Where things could be how they should be, not how they are. We could be ourselves. Not the narrow, pitiful paintings of us that people like to make. We could be women. Not inspiration porn. Not cute little memes. Not burdens. Not any of the shit people think because they don’t know any better. I wanted to be part of the whole fucking world, not just a small, sad part of it.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“She was straddling his lap and he was pressing worshipful kisses to her face when "Wild Is the Wind" by Nina Simone started to filter into their private snug from the outer party. Raina froze.
Do you know that song? I want someone like that song. Unapologetic. Complicated. Real. Maybe not something everyone else gets. But I do.
She gasped a breath, and he caught it with his mouth, kissing her hungrily. She moaned softly, draping her arms around his neck. It was languid and sensual. In some ways, a fight for dominance. She kissed him harder, so he retaliated by taking them both to the floor. They both fought to pull her dress up over her hips, baring her stockings. He slowly licked the tip of his middle finger before sliding it against her clit, making her jerk and cry out.
"When I dream about you, it's always like this," he breathed, leaning down to whisper in her ear as he stroked her with an even and deliberate rhythm.
Raina dug her fingers into the carpet beneath her and arched her back. When she spoke, it was a rasp as she tried to stay sane against his ministrations. "Like. What?"
"Beautiful. Hair down. Red lips. Eyes wild. I fucking love that about you. That there's still something wild in you. Too many people are tame."
He replaced his fingers with his mouth and Raina's head hit the floor hard. The sound of the piano from the song bled into the room and she realized that's what she felt like. A piano. So many people had treated her body like an instrument. One they had no idea how to play. They would just plonk out the one tune they knew, or attempt to run their hands along the right keys.
Tom Branimir was an artist. He played her to perfection, and for the first time in her life, someone other than herself was able to make beautiful music with her. His tongue moved against her and she felt a tear slip free and slide down the side of her face and into her ear. Cerebral sex that turned on her mind, not just her body. There was no feeling of performing with him— for once she felt completely natural. She dragged her fingers through his blue-black hair, and he made a deep sound of approval.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“But you press on. You make so many mistakes and you can’t correct them, you see. Your brain doesn’t have the little cog that allows you to learn automatically after one mistake. You often don’t know what you did wrong. You can’t run an analysis on yourself like a computer. But if the exact scenario comes up again, you’ll choose a different option. But life isn’t a video game or a choose-your-own-adventure. No two things are ever the same. So, life can become one long game that you’re not great at playing. Sometimes you’re just told to leave and never come back.”
She closed her eyes.
“But your brain has other cogs. Parts that they don’t have. Beautiful parts.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“Masking saves you in the short term. But the long term? It’s not sustainable.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“Sometimes, as an autistic woman, doing normal things that other women did all the time made her feel like an imposter.
“I listen to your show,” Zailey said from the floor, a quiet admission as she pulled all the layers of the skirt out so it was showing off its full volume.
Raina froze. “Really?”
“Yes. I’m in my fifties now so I was never diagnosed. Never will be, I suppose. But… well. Anyway, I love to listen. You make me feel a bit more human. If that makes sense. My daughter helps me catch them on the computer.”
“Thank you so much,” Raina breathed, feeling her whole body tighten with emotion. “That means a lot.”
They both caught each other’s eye in the mirror, and Raina’s face almost crumpled. It was always harder to pretend around other autistic women.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“A cornucopia of bullies and harassers and people laughing at you made bitterness and cynicism easy. Natural, even. Raina knew how tempting it was to fall into the arms of self-pity. So she went in search of better. Her subscribers, her community, the little niche she'd carved out for herself— it was a pure antidote to the venom.
The only catch was, to find that, she had to choose peace. She had to choose nuance. She had to choose to have hope.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“I’m a Scot. When we love, it’s like the love we have for Scotland. It’s forever. It’s in the earth. It goes nowhere. Some love affairs are like visiting a country abroad. You love it while you’re there, you learn a lot. But you come home and the suntan fades and you only think of it with fondness.”
He retrieved her sweets and caught up to her. “Raina, you’re not a holiday. You’re like my homeland.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“Now, in this moment of darkness where she’d wanted only clarity, she begged Him.
“Please, make me just like other people,” she whispered into the earth. “Please, God, please. Just like them. Make me know what to say. Make me know how to show them I’m not all wrong.”
She didn’t know what the label meant. She didn’t know what she was. She only knew that she was so tired of speaking the same language as all of them, using the same expressions as all of them, only to be treated like an alien.
“Please,” she cried into the ground. “Please.”
She dug her hands into the grass and the soil. She gripped the dirt of the earth and begged for rescue. For someone to understand. For something to change. For intervention. For something to come down from the sky and make sense of everything for her. For a door to open and reveal that she was in the wrong story. A mistake. One that could be quickly rectified.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“No shame in backing down and ordering some nice coleslaw,” he said self-importantly when the platter arrived. “No shame at all.”
Raina acknowledged this remark by fiercely cracking open a crab claw.
“Need me to do yours for you?” she asked nonchalantly. “I’m good at handling meat…”
“No.” He scooped up some mussels and clams for his small plate. “Thank you. I know what comes of your handling. I’ll end up a panting mess on the floor.”
They ate in competitive silence, eyeing each other up as they went. He grabbed the scallops. She the prawns. They both reached for one of the oysters at the same time. Tom lifted it from its icy bed and held it out toward Raina.
“You know what they say about these?”
Raina took it from him and downed it smoothly, placing the empty gray shell back on the platter. “Yes. They make you want to fuck.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“Friendship. Something Raina wanted more than air. But something that always felt impossible. She could never outrun the disability when it came to socializing in large groups. She always said something incorrect. Something they found off-putting. People often asked her what was “wrong” with her and Raina had never been able to answer.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“There should be consequences, Philip, with respect."
Raina shrieked with laughter, causing the two women on either side of her to start with shock. She clapped a hand over her mouth and closed her eyes, her shoulders shaking with laughter.
"Now you're scaring me," Pepper said sternly.
"I just"—Raina gasped— "really love seeing someone stand up to the political establishment."
It wasn't untrue. It was just even better when it was a good-looking man doing it while he also used hidden code to flirt with her.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“The journey upstairs was an unreliable memory in Raina’s mind. She remembered only him on her as they staggered into her room. Falling back against the bed, him following behind her with intent that made her feel boneless.
He choked out her name the second time around. On the third, she lazily rode him until he lost control. When he took her from behind, there was something primal about it, making her feel pleasure in a way that was completely new. She took the pillowcase between her teeth and huffed out a breath as he moved in her, building from beautiful slowness to an unforgiving rhythm that made her scream.
When he kissed her, he held her face in both of his hands as though she were something precious to him. The animalistic was merged with a fierce sort of tenderness and it left both of them exhausted.
The food downstairs was completely forgotten. Raina was not hungry.
She’d indulged in a different kind of feast. She was completely satisfied.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“You feel so good in me,” she breathed, and he made a pained sound. He was fighting his own orgasm while hers was flickering into fire. Her whole body felt hot, and when he kissed her breasts, she whispered that she was starting to come. He kissed her hard and then buried his face in her neck, thrusting deeply and keeping his pace as she suddenly felt everything disappear. The twisting tightness in her body rippled and then broke apart. She came hard, floating in the most beautiful place in the world. A place between asleep and awake, where an orgasm ripped the mask away— insisting that she see the true beauty in herself. In everything.
This was normally a momentary bliss, soon followed by cold reality, but not with him. With him, the moment lingered. The feelings didn’t dissipate; they grew stronger.
The erotic ache between her legs was only minorly soothed by her orgasm, and when he came moments later, she knew that her perfume was all over him and that what they’d done was just a tiny canapé compared to what was going to come.
They lay together, breathing audibly for a few minutes before she finally met his gaze. His pupils were fully dilated and he looked at her with unabashed desire. She knew she should make some charismatic quip, perhaps something about ruining the sofa.
But she was still drunk with arousal, so she said, “I love how you fuck me.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“When his fingers gently slipped beneath the lace of her underwear, caressing the most sensitive part of an always sensitive body, she bucked her hips and made a desperate sound. For hers was a body that felt everything all at once. The rush of every other living thing and every sensory atom in the air. So when Tom touched her, it was almost too pleasurable to bear.
She watched the realization hit him as he stroked her. He observed how she whimpered and moaned. In the past, with other men, the knowledge of her sensitivity had turned them into mindless, greedy animals, but Raina could see wonder pass through Tom’s dark eyes. His gaze shot to hers and he was looking at her as though she were something to be worshipped.
“Oh, sweetheart. You feel it all, don’t you?”
He continued to stroke, whispering sweet things in her ear while she half sobbed. She caught words like “beautiful” and “perfect” as he slipped his fingers inside her, and the sensation was so overwhelming, she almost blacked out.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“Raina was fascinated by behavior, mostly because she’d been told she was doing it wrong her entire life.
Now, as she stared openly at Tom Branimir’s face, she was grateful more than ever for being neurodivergent. It meant seeing every detail in bright, beautiful clarity. It meant feeling every touch a thousand times more intensely.
I can see every beautiful bit of you. In a way so many others can’t.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“They told me you were a little upstart. I don't buy your sweetness-and-light act for a minute. Look and act like a teenager but with a viper tongue."
"If I have any sweetness and light in me, I'm not giving it to sneering clickbait miners. You can print that, too.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“She wanted to taste him again.
“I want to take you to bed,” he murmured, his voice a rumble in her ear. “When can all these people leave?”
Raina had no answer. For her, they were already gone.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“She was determined, and she needed the dress and heels for courage. An unconventional battle uniform, but fashion had always helped Raina find her voice.
He’d seen her standing outside Liberty in a pale pink trench, carrying a butt vase. He’d seen her in casual clothes before the marathon. He’d slid her shoes onto her bare feet while she wore a three-year-old sundress.
She wanted to remind him just exactly whom he was hunting.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“She was no doubt referring to Raina’s childhood bedroom, which had been a shrine to mermaid lore. Wallpaper, clothing, pencil cases, pillows and rugs. She’d been obsessed.
To an outsider, it seemed a perfectly normal fixation for a little girl to have. If a little too intense. To Raina, it represented a story she felt was her own. The fish out of water. When she was little, she liked to escape into a fantasy where she was a mermaid pretending to be a human. Every time she was bullied, shunned or chastised for appearing different, she would silently tell herself it was only temporary. Every medical trial, every bit of occupational therapy, it was all just part of the story. And only for now. She was just waiting until she could get back to the ocean. Her ocean.
Wherever in the world that would be.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“But you need to stop being Clark Kent and start being who you're meant to be. Which is fucking Superman."
"Tom Branimir," Raina said gravely. "If you're getting at the 'autism is a superpower' shit, don't. I tried telling myself that as a kid, but life knocks that right out of you."
"I don't mean that. I mean people fucking need you. I've read all the comments from your followers. I've seen the impact. You're doing something important. That's why you make the right people mad. So, stop acting like a small-town Clark Kent. Pretending you're just doing a civic duty, keeping your head down and hunching over. Stand tall. Like the goddamn hero they know you are.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“You don’t like crowded places.”
It wasn’t a question. Raina tapped her temple with the pad of her finger. “Sensory overload. I can feel a shutdown coming. I’m better off somewhere cool and quiet.”
I’m better off wherever you are, Raina.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“Do you have a special talent like the guy who counts toothpicks?”
“You and that film,” muttered Tom.
Raina gave a half-hearted smile. “You mean am I a savant? Sure. I’m super good at disposing of bodies. I’ve a special interest in soil so I know exactly where to bury them. I can dig a shallow grave better than any neurotypical.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“She felt so out of place and far from everyone. A feeling that had been with her for as long as she’d known she was different. She’d worked hard to get to the contented, confident version of herself she now presented to the public. Yet sometimes, the neurotypical world would hit her with strange moments of déjà vu. Moments that took her back to sleepovers, school dances and weekends spent reading at home. Déjà vu that reminded her that although she could put on a good show and play pretend, she would never be one of them. Not only because of unspoken, unconscious prejudice, but because she always sensed, on nights like this, that a part of her was missing.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“Until then, stay uninspiring.”
It was a fond signoff that her subscribers enjoyed. So many disabled women were sick of being called inspiring just for going to the supermarket or getting dressed up, especially when they were being denied personhood and agency in so many other ways, so Raina had started ending each session by happily telling them to be as mundane or as unremarkable as they wanted. She’d been nervous the first time around, wondering if people might misinterpret her, but the delighted comments came pouring in and thus the catchphrase was born.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“I think you’ve seen enough.”
No. Never. Not even close. He didn’t know her favorite films. Books. He didn’t know why she never brought up her parents. He didn’t know how she’d gotten the tiny little scar on her right eyelid. He didn’t know the name of the stalker she’d so casually mentioned. He didn’t know her bad habits. He didn’t know which hair dye she used. Her romantic history. What she liked in bed.
And he wanted to know all of it.
“Raina,” he said slowly. “This can’t be the end.”
She smiled sadly. “Goodbye, Alice. I hope Wonderland wasn’t too boring for you.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“Hard to see red flags through a romantic, rose-tinted lens.”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story

“I’m not overly enthused about being studied,” she said softly. “I’ve had enough microscopes on me.”
“Understandable.”
“Is it?” she said, putting a little steel into her voice. “If you’ve really listened to my stuff, you’ll know I’m a little tired of allistics categorizing people like me. Why would I want one more?”
― Elle McNicoll, Unapologetic Love Story