You Suck Quotes

“Not unlike the toaster, I control darkness.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Stop," I said. "Please do not further endorken yourself to me. You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda. Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?"
And he was like, "Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“The music coming from inside sounded like robots fucking. And complaining about it. In rhythmic monotone. European robots.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck: A Love Story

“She gave him the wide, green-eyed expression that she would have described as I will slap you so far into next week that it will take a team of surgeons just to get Wednesday out of your ass.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don't be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you've been traumatized.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“You bitch! You killed me! You suck!”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“...as if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“I was all, "Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now. Oh, you in the sh*t now, wigga!" (I am not incline to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.) -Abby”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Yo, yo, yo, check it out," said PJ, with enough hand gestures that any deaf person watching would have thought he had ASL Tourette's syndrome”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs?" -Tommy”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Tommy had felt alone in a crowd before, even inferior to everyone in a crowd, but now he felt, well, different. It wasn't just the clothes and the make up, it was the humanity. He wasn't part of it. Heightened senses or not, he felt like he had his nose pressed against the window, looking in. The problem was, it was the window of a donut shop.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“For a while he'd tried molding himself into the tragic Romantic hero, brooding and staring clench-jawed off into space as he composed dark verse in his head. But it turned out that trying to appear tragic in Incontinence, Indiana, was redundant, and his mother kept shouting at him and making him forget his rhymes. "Tommy, if you keep grinding your teeth like that, they'll wear away and you'll have to have dentures like Aunt Ester." Tommy only wished his beard was as heavy as Aunt Ester's---then he could stare out over the moors while he stroked it pensively.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“It’s like he has this power over me—like I have an eating disorder and he’s a package of Oreo Double Stuff cookies.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“[in regards to the "Asian guy"] He was so cute - in that Final Fantasy Thirty-Seven way. What I'm saying is, the Sex Fu is strong with this one.
--The Chronicles of Abby Normal”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.)”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“And he was like "The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -" -Abby”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“...then he looked at my T-shirt and saw Byron's picture on it and he quoted "She Walks in Beauty," which is like my favorite poem next to the one by Baudelaire about his girlfriend being nothing but worm food, except that Lily called that one first because Baudelaire is her fave poet and so she got the shirt with him on it, even though Byron is way more scrumptious and I would do him on sharp gravel if I had the chance.
--from The Chronicles of Abby Normal”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese."

"She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'"

"Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?"

"No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga."

"Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls."

"That's some bullshit, Troy."

"It's her couch.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Like last year I took Advance Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap. Which was fine, because I'm not even thrilled about regular foods, so, you know, what do I need with like advanced digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot? -Abby”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Abby: I could be a slave to your darkest desires. I can do things. Anything you want.
Tommy: Well, that's terrific, because we have a lot of laundry piled up and the apartment is a wreck.
Abby: Anything you desire, my lord. I can do laundry, clean, bring you small creatures to quench your thirst until I am worthy. ”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“I'm fucked.

We're fucked. Together. Like Romeo and Juliet, only we get to be in a sequel.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“...One time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go, the whole world turns on you like you're some kind of bad guy.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Careful crossing the street," Tommy called back to her as he crossed. [Jody is drunk]
"Ha!" Jody said. "I am a finely tuned predator. I am a superbeing. I --" And at that point she bounced her forehead off a light pole with a dull twang and was suddenly lying on her back, looking at the streetlights above her, which kept going out of focus, the bastards.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“You're the one with almost an MBA," Barry, the short balding one, said to Lash.
"You should know what to do."
"They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker," Lash countered. "That's a whole
different program. Political science, I think.”
― christopher moore, You Suck

“You first," Tommy said. They stood in the great room of their loft on either side of the futon, where the huge cat, a crossbreed between a Persian, a dust mop, and possibly a water buffalo, was actively shedding.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck