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In the heat of the moment, instead “he never listens”, challenge the toxic self-talk, “he does listen to me sometimes even though right now he’s being stubborn, thoughtless and blind”

Since In emotional hijacking nothing gets resolved positively, it’s SUPER important to learn to soothe your own feelings, aka recover quickly from flooding. 20 minute cooling off at first flooding, or 10 beats per minute above resting heart rate, will help calm down (5 minutes not enough).

Making a marriage work is not to concentrate on specific issues, but rather to cultivate emotional intelligence, thereby improving the chances of working things out. Being able to calm down (and calm your partner), empathy and listening well, an make it more likely the couple will settle disagreements effectively. “Good fights” help a relationship grow.

Repair mechanism that keep an argument from escalating into an explosion are keeping the discussion on track, empathizing, and tension reduction.

Repair mechanism that keep an argument from escalating into an explosion are keeping the discussion on track, empathizing, and tension reduction.

Couples that lady tend to stick to one topic, and to give each partner the chance to state their point of view at the outside. THEY SHOW EACH OTHER THAT THEY ARE BEING LISTENED TO. Since feeling heard is often what the spouse is really after, empathy is a master tension reducer.

Wives need to make a purposeful effort to not attack their husbands: complain about the action by don’t criticize them as a person or show contempt. It helps if a wife’s complaints are put in the larger context of reassuring her husband of her love for him

Husbands who are able to stay with their wives through the heat of anger help they wicked feel heat and respected, which helps her calm down

Be on guard against short-circuiting the discussion by offering a practical solution too early on - it’s more important that the spouse feels heard and have their feelings empathized with, even is the other spouse disagrees. Offering advice may seem as a way of dismissing the feelings as inconsequential.

Anger or discutent is not synonymous with personal attack. The emotions emphasize the strength of the feeling.

Bringing up disagreements or grievances are an act of love, trying to keep the relationship healthy. When grievances simmer, they build and build in intensity until there’s an explosion; then they’re aired and worked out, taking the pressure off.

As the husband finds himself the object of his wife’s criticism and contempt, he begins to fall into innocent-victim or righteous indignation thoughts that more and more easily trigger flooding. To protect himself from flooding, he becomes more defensive or simply stonewalls altogether, triggering flooding in the wide, continuing the cycle.

The reason men are so likely to stonewall is to protect themselves from flooding. However, once men start stonewalling, it is their wives whose heart rate shot up to levels signaling high distress. As he becomes defensive and stonewalls, she feels frustrated and angry, and so adds contempt to underscore the strength of her frustration.

Small issues become major battles, feelings are hurt continually. With time, te partner who is being flooded starts to see any and all problems in the marriage as sever and impossible to fix, since the flooding itself sabotages any attempt to work things out.

It makes it harder and harder to recover from the physiological arousal which makes it easier for innocuous exchanges to be seen in a sinister light, triggering flooding all over again.

The problem for a marriage begins when one spouse feels flooded almost continuously silly. Then the partner feels overwhelmed by the other partner, is always on guard for an emotional assault or injustice, becomes hyper vigilant for any sign of attack, insult or grievance, and is sure to overreact to even the least sign.

Muscles tense, it can seem hard to breathe. There is a swamp of toxic feelings, an unpleasant wash of fear and anger that seems inescapable and takes “forever” to get over. At this point, full hijacking, a person’s emotions are so intense, their perspective so Andrei, and their thinking so confused that there is no hope of taking the other’s viewpoint or settling this in a reasonable way.

Flooding begins at 10 beats per minute above a Pearson’s restive rate. If the heart rate reaches 100 beats per minute (like rage or crying), then body is pumping adrenaline and other hormones that keep the distress high for some time.

They want things to stop, or want to run, or, sometimes, to strike back. Flooding is a self-perpetuating emotional hijacking.

Flooded partners are so overwhelmed by their partner’s negativity and their own reaction to it that they are swamped by dreadful, out-of-control feelings. People who are flooded cannot hear without distortion or respond with clear-headed was; they find it hard to organize their thinking, and they fall back on primitive reactions.

Partners who take the pessimistic stance are extremely prone to emotional hijackings: they get hurt, angry or otherwise distressed by things their spouses do, and they stay disturbed once the episode begins. Their internal distress and pessimistic attitude makes it far more likely they’ll resort to criticism and contempt in confronting the partner, which heightens the likelihood of defensiveness and stonewalling.

Thoughts of being an innocent victim or if righteous indignation are typical of partners in troubled marriages, continually fueling anger and hurt. Once they become automatic, they are self-conforming, aka finding examples for their reasoning. This turns into emotional hijacking.

Criticize the action (and how it makes you feel), rather than the person. Made worse if with contempt (sneer, curled lip, eye rolling, words) or stonewalling.

Men are a bit Pollyanna-ish about the state of their marriage, while wives are attuned to the trouble spots

Boys take pride in a like, tough-minded independence and autonomy, while girls see themselves as part of a web of connectedness. Boys are threatened by anything that might challenge their independence, while girls are threatened by a rupture in their relationships.

Handling someone at peak rage: distract the angry person, empathize with his feelings and perspective, draw him into an alternative focus, one that attuned him with a more positive range of feeling

How to join a group: observe, imitate what others are doing, then talk to other purple and join the activity

The two cardinal since that almost always lead to rejection when trying to join a group are trying to take the lead too soon and being out of synch with the frame of reference.

Interpersonal intelligence abilities:
1. Organizing groups: leader
2. Negotiating solutions: mediator, preventing and resolving conflicts
3. Personal connection: art of relationship
4. Social analysis: habit insights about people’s feelings, motives and concerns

Dominant partners talk more, while the subordinate partner watched the other’s face more. The forcefulness of a good speaker works to entrAin the emotions of the audience. Emotional entrainment is the heart of influence.