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Don’t reward regressive behavior

Accept only as much as you want

Set boundaries and say no

At the same time, you talk about your intentions in a way that doesn’t challenge their worth. By responding nondefensively, you don’t trigger an aggressorvictim drama triangle. You make the other person feel like it’s safe to keep communicating.

Nondefensive, nonviolent communication keeps you out of the polarizing aggressor-victim positions of the drama triangle. You recognize that the other person’s viewpoint makes perfect sense to them. At the same time, you talk about your intentions in a way that doesn’t challenge their worth.

Productive communication styles are honest, nonjudgmental, neutral in tone, and empathetic to the other person’s viewpoint.

Your self-expression demonstrates your equal status. When you speak up, you’re showing equal status to the other person. By expressing yourself, you are saying that what goes on inside you is just as important as what goes on inside the EIP. Thus, you don’t let EI hierarchies form.

By being transparent about your inner experience, you participate honestly in the relationship and let yourself be known. Things immediately get more real between you.

Relationship leaders model respectful behavior and teach reciprocity in their interactions. They are explicit about how they want to be treated and what feels relationally rewarding for them. Relationship leaders spell out supportive values that inspire people to treat each other well.

Once you interrupt the EIP’s control, you can try to move the interaction toward the outcome you want. By suggesting preferable outcomes, you lead the way toward a more equal and respectful adult relationship.

Interrupting emotional takeovers means that you say what you feel, ask for what you want, and set boundaries on what you don’t like.

Instead of fixating on what the EIP wants, pay attention to your body sensations, your immediate emotional experience, and your thoughts. By paying attention to what you are directly experiencing in this moment, you are no longer putting the EIP first.

By protecting your right to your own thoughts and feelings, you stay present. Instead of shrinking and becoming their obliging audience, you can remain “full of yourself.

By honoring the worth of your inner self and inner world, you’ll feel a new security and contentment. When you accept yourself as you are and stay connected with your immediate experience in this moment, you’ll feel stronger inside. When you love yourself as an evolving being, it feels right to protect your energy and interests.

I’m here too, and my needs matter as much as yours.” You’ll explain what would be best for you without shame or apology because there’s nothing shameful about being on an equal footing.

1. See yourself as equal in importance to them. (“I am just as important as they are.”
2. Keep a conscious self-connection and accept yourself unconditionally. (“I have good stuff inside me.”

recommends writing down how the shame feels, while repeatedly relabeling it as nothing more than a painful emotion. Tell yourself, “This feels awful, but it’s just a feeling. It could never, ever be a statement of who I am. This feeling of shame is just an emotion, like any other emotion.” By facing it this way, shame becomes just another painful feeling you can easily survive.

Try not to idealize or idolize anybody. You can enjoy them more if you stay their equal.

You might be surprised by how many people are willing to be role models or mentors and pass along their wisdom.

Overall, your goal is to focus on so many pleasant experiences that negative thought-patterns get crowded out.
Deliberately increasing time spent on thoughts of pleasure, enjoyment, and possibility changes the ratio of pleasurable to toxic thinking.

My needs are just as legitimate and important as his. As adults, we’re coequals.

Someone being upset doesn’t mean I have to let them dominate me.

Talking to yourself within the privacy of your mind is the primary way you can change your mood and thinking. You can use self-talk to specify your desires, come to grips with disappointment, and determine your goals. Just make sure what you are saying to yourself helps you focus on what you want and what really matters to you.