Atiyeh > Recent Status Updates

Reaching out. Being the first to say hello or wave, cultivating friendly neighborhoods, connecting, making friends.

Balance. Give and take, quid pro quo.

Civility. We don’t hear much about it today, but believe it or not, it used to be the order of the day in Congress. Can we disagree without being disagreeable?

Honesty. Being straight but not hurtful, expressing love and caring, keeping promises. If a loved one or friend has hurt you, find a time and place to bring it up, gently, and work it out.

Thoughtfulness. Remembering others’ needs, doing favors, giving compliments, listening, paying attention. If there’s a birthday coming up for someone in your life, remember it in some small (or large!) way.

Thanks. Exprssing appreciation for small things, recognizing those who give of themselves. If a member of your service club or bridge group or band goes the extra mile, thank her publicly.

Courtesy. Holding doors for others, not cutting in lines, asking rather than demanding, just being polite, being on time. If your hair isn’t gray, hold a door open for someone whose is.

The perfect right you have to say no exists alongside the other person’s right to say yes. And your desire to accomplish your goals through self-assertion must be weighed against the needs of the larger society.

self-expression must be modulated by its context.

We’ve suggested that assertive and aggressive behavior differ principally in that the latter involves hurting, manipulating, or denying others in the course of expressing oneself.

Effective personal boundaries are not set in stone. They’re flexible, they vary with each person with whom you have a relationship, and they vary with time.

The relationship between personal boundaries and assertiveness is strong but not necessarily simple. Assertive selfexpression allows you to communicate your boundaries to others

Assertive behavior is a positive self-affirmation that also values the other people in your life.

Appropriately assertive behavior in the same situation would be self-enhancing for the sender, would be an honest expression of feelings, and would usually achieve the goal. When you choose for yourself how to act, a good feeling typically accompanies the assertive response, even when you don’t achieve your goals.

The person who carries a desire for self-expression to the extreme of aggressive behavior accomplishes goals at the expense of others.

a nonassertive response means that the sender is denying self-expression and is inhibited from letting feelings show. People who behave nonassertively often feel hurt and anxious since they allow others to choose for them. They seldom achieve their own needs and goals.

To express needs and feelings honestly and comfortably means to be able to disagree, to show anger, to show affection or friendship, to admit fear or anxiety, to express agreement or support, and to be spontaneous — all with little or no painful anxiety.

To not deny the rights of others is to accomplish the above personal expressions without unfair criticism of others, without hurtful behavior toward others, without name-calling, without intimidation, without manipulation, and without controlling others.

To exercise personal rights relates to competency as a citizen, as a consumer, as a member of an organization or school or work group, and as a participant in public events to express opinions, to work for change, and to respond to violations of one’s own rights or those of others.

To stand up for yourself includes such behaviors as saying no, setting limits on time and energy, responding to criticism or put-downs or anger, and expressing or supporting or defending an opinion.

To act in your own best interests refers to the ability to make your own decisions about career, relationships, lifestyle, and time schedule, to take initiative starting conversations and organizing activities, to trust your own judgment, to set goals and work to achieve them, to ask for help from others, and to participate socially.

To promote equality in person-to-person relationships means to put both parties on an equal footing, to restore the balance of power by giving personal power to the “underdog,” to make it possible for everyone to gain and no one to lose.

To be direct, firm, positive, and persistent means to express your thoughts and feelings spontaneously, directly to the person(s) involved, firmly enough to make your point clear, and persistently enough so others recognize you’re serious about it.

Yes, persistence is important, and we encourage you to make it a part of your “assertiveness toolkit,” but it’s not all there is to being assertive.

The third approach is the golden mean. … The individual places himself first, but takes others into account.

We all have the right to express ourselves and our needs, and to feel good (not powerless or guilty) about doing so, as long as we do not hurt others in the process.

Once you free yourself from EI relationship patterns that held you back, you may regret trying so hard with people who gave so little in return and hurt you so much. As you become more aware of your worth and capacity for love, it may pain you to realize how poorly you were treated.

Don’t reward regressive behavior

برای ارزیابی یک پدیده باید از همه اطلاعات استفاده کرد و نباید تنها به اطلاعاتی اتکاء کنیم که در مواقع آشفتگی و اضطراب به ذهنمان خطور میکند.