Philip Whiteland - the man behind Josiah and Archibald (which makes it sound like we're in a queue!) Showing 2,551-2,600 of 3,307

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Wibble!

[Philip]

Somebody's left a jelly in here!

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

[Philip]

I think I may have inadvertently discovered the likely extent of the popularity of my new book, 'A Christmas Cracker' (http://mybook.to/xmascracker) I ran a bit of a competition for an advance copy last Saturday and an entry rushed in. The person concerned got the question right and I asked for an email address so that I could send the prize...guess what? No email address forthcoming. So, apparently, this one is so unpopular I can't even give it away ;-)

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

I discovered a great christmas stocking present at Tesco last night. Chocolate truffles that look like brussels sprouts! They had ones that look like posttoes as well...

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "I discovered a great christmas stocking present at Tesco last night. Chocolate truffles that look like brussels sprouts! They had ones that look like posttoes as well..."

You could get some very disappointed looks on Christmas Day with those :-)

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Not from confirmed sprout haters like me though.

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "Not from confirmed sprout haters like me though."

You've got to have a sprout. I think there's a law or something about it.

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Sprouts are banned from my house in perpetuity.

[Philip]

That's all right, I haven't got any in perpetuity. I've got some in a string bag though.

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

The Evil Sprout Overload. Oops, that should be Overlord...

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "The Evil Sprout Overload. Oops, that should be Overlord...

"

This would explain why people who've had sprouts often groan "Oh, Lord!"

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

His superpower is flatulance!

[Philip]

Bit like Bilious, the "oh God" of hangovers in Discworld

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Oh yeah! I felt so sorry for him - he got both short ends of the stick.

[Elizabeth]

Philip wrote: "I think I may have inadvertently discovered the likely extent of the popularity of my new book, 'A Christmas Cracker' (http://mybook.to/xmascracker) I ran a bit of a competition for an advance copy..."

Hey Philip - your link doesn't seem to be working?

[Philip]

Elizabeth wrote: "Philip wrote: "I think I may have inadvertently discovered the likely extent of the popularity of my new book, 'A Christmas Cracker' (http://mybook.to/xmascracker) I ran a bit of a competition for ..."

Thanks for letting me know, Elizabeth. I just tried it and it seemed fine but you know how temperamental these things can be ;-)

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

I just bought it. May get round to reading it by next christmas! ;)

[Philip]

Thanks a lot, GL

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

I thought you should have at least one sale...

[Philip]

;-)

[Philip]

Fancy winning a free copy of my collection of seasonal stories published today? http://mybook.to/xmascracker

Just answer these four questions about Morecambe & Wise Christmas Specials:

1. This surprisingly long-legged newsreader did a song and dance routine with Eric and Ernie, but what was the song and who was the newsreader?

2. Speaking of newsreaders, what was the South Pacific number that a group of BBC newsreaders apparently sang and did acrobatic routines to?

3. This actress might have been To The Manor Born, but what happened to her in her song and dance routine with the lads and who was she?

4. This Cardiff-born diva had a wardrobe malfunction which the lads kindly corrected. Who was she and what did she end up wearing?

First all-correct answer gets a free copy of 'A Christmas Cracker' http://mybook.to/xmascracker

[Philip]

Philip wrote: "Fancy winning a free copy of my collection of seasonal stories published today? http://mybook.to/xmascracker

Just answer these four questions about Morecambe & Wise Christmas Specials:

1. This su..."

I take it the answer to this is "no, thanks" ;-)

[Philip]

I would have been here before, but I've been spending my time brushing the footprints off me from the mad stampede to buy the new book: http://mybook.to/xmascracker

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Have my elephants been buying it?

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "Have my elephants been buying it?"

No, but they made a trunk call

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

That must be a cracker joke!

[Philip]

I've missed my vocation, should have done crackers and birthday cards.

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Probably more lurcative.

Ummm.. I think I've spelt that wrong...

[Philip]

Well, there's been an overwhelming surge of indifference for this :-)

A Christmas Cracker: A collection of seasonal stories

[Philip]

I take it all back! It's currently #44 in Kindle Store>Books>Humour>Essays

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Wooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

[Jim]

going well

[Philip]

Thanks both! It was nice while it lasted (like so many things). I was particularly pleased as I've always thought I would struggle in a chart called Kindle Store>Books>Humour>Books by Philip Whiteland ;-)

[Philip]

Oh go on, fill your stockings (it's like 'fill your boots' only more seasonal)

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

With what though? I'll pass if its with coal.

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "With what though? I'll pass if its with coal."

Well, I'm not so sure. They always reckon things go better with coke.

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

I definitely not filling my stockings with coke! Think of the mess.

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "I definitely not filling my stockings with coke! Think of the mess."

I doubt the coke will mind ;-)

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Grrrr!

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "Grrrr!"

We seem to be missing a frw vowels there

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Good thing we're not playing Scrabble then.

[Philip]

Or even a few!

[Philip]

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a copy of 'A Christmas Cracker'. Whereupon, I turned to my true love and said "Whyfore hast thou given me this, thou cheapskate? Why, 'tis only 99p doth thou know?" And my true love said unto me "Whyfore art thou lithping?" Whereupon, I saith, "I am not lithping, or indeed lisping. I am adopting the argot of the time and what giveth with the cheap prethent?" And my true love said "It is not cheap, that which is given with love and guarantees to engender the Christmas Spirit" Whereupon, summoning all of my literary expertise, I responded, "Huh!"

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Sounds like you need a new, more appreciative, true love.

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "Sounds like you need a new, more appreciative, true love."

What? When she hath given me a present whose value is beyond rubies? (And I've seen Ruby's)

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Does she know about you and Ruby? That tends to take the sparkle out of any relationship.

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "Does she know about you and Ruby? That tends to take the sparkle out of any relationship."

I don't know where I dug her up from. She's a shy girl, she hides her light under a bus shelter!

[Gingerlily - The Full Wild]

Be careful in case 3 of her come at once.

[Philip]

Gingerlily - Mistress Lantern wrote: "Be careful in case 3 of her come at once."

There's no answer to that, in the words of the great Eric Morecambe ;-)