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trying to feel like me again
message 501:
by
Erin
(new)
Jan 09, 2018 02:48PM
I miss Mary so bad.
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I don't wish for her to be in this house with the yelling but I want her to be happy and I miss her so much.
Maybe that's why I keep writing about Asteria missing Alice because I miss Mary.
I want to talk to her but not on their phone where they're waiting for me to finish I want to talk to her without feeling awkward and like we're strangers.
I don't want my sister to become a stranger, you know? I mean, who would?
And you can joke about your siblings being annoying and stuff but when your sibling is actually good to you despite their annoying problems and then their just gone, you'll seriously miss them.
I didn't think about wanting to die for eight days.
That's not a new record or anything but it still hurts.
I had been so good. Sure I was upset about Bill and of my friend and I was feeling nostalgic like crap but I didn't completely hate myself. I was okay. I didn't let myself think of hating myself.
But here I am now. I hate myself. I never did love myself but I was trying I was trying si hard and now? Let's just watch it all fade away.
I don't want my depression to take over my mind like it's done every time before.
I want to beat it. I want to be better.
I don't want to be like my mom who did nothing.
It's not even completely that I want to die. It's more like I don't want to live in this world in this time.
And yet I will because I don't want to lose.
Lose what? Lose to who? I guess the world.
Valentine Ransom (call me Val) ~Phantom of the Library~ wrote: "*hugs also* Just remember Erin that you are never alone and we all love you here. :)"
*hugs back*
That's mostly a lie, but thanks anyway. I love all of yous, too :)
I wish the hugs made me feel as good as they used too :/
I can't stop crying and I thought maybe a good cry was all I needed but this isn't a good cry and it's not what I need and I'm just so tired of myself. I laugh at myself and I make jokes because it's easier and it's so much funner to hate yourself when you're laughing and I was hoping one day I'd be able to laugh at myself while loving myself because that'd be beautiful
But right now I can't think things like I'm never alone because that's a lie and I'm not trying to be mean though I sound mean to myself, I just know that my mind is always a battle I'll fight alone and yeah you can support me but I'm still alone, you know?
Let me go wipe my tears away and I'll convert back to a happier me for you.
No way that's happening XD It's impossible to be truly happy on days like this lol
Anyways I'm back! Happy Erin normal Erin or just Erin, whatever you prefer XD
So Hannah and I were walking to language arts together talking and goofing off in the hallway and I passed this classroom and this kid bumped into me because that class had just been dismissed and I was like "ahhh human" but I whispered it but also spoke it in some weird combination. We kept making jokes about it in the hallway and through the door and then after class lol
Valentine Ransom (call me Val) ~Phantom of the Library~ wrote: "Hard day, huh?"Yep ^_^ Officially my emotions have been strained and mixed up and jungled and juggled and just yep
Also yesterday I messaged Hannah at the time we would usually get out of school and asked her why she wasn't at school and she said we had a snow day and I was like no we didn't because I went to school and I convinced her that we hadn't had a snow day
Valentine Ransom (call me Val) ~Phantom of the Library~ wrote: "Me too! ;) But we made it through and that's all that mattered"That's true, I suuupppOSE.
Valentine Ransom (call me Val) ~Phantom of the Library~ wrote: "Strange"Thanks I try.
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Heyo Lillian! :D":) What's going on Erin?"
My life's a mess but I've finally stopped crying so yay me! :)
Valentine Ransom (call me Val) ~Phantom of the Library~ wrote: "Yay! 3 of us. :)"Yay three is a party. I like threes. Some of the best things come in threes!!!
Erin wrote: "He threatened to bust my mom's skull open this morning."wth, that's terrible
Erin wrote: "But here I am now. I hate myself. I never did love myself but I was trying I was trying si hard and now? Let's just watch it all fade away."I'm so sorry Erin :( *hugs*
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "Heyo Lillian! :D":) What's going on Erin?"
My life's a mess but I've finally stopped crying so yay me! :) (I also haven't finished my homework but shhh ..."
:D- for both. Thanks!
Valentine Ransom (call me Val) ~Phantom of the Library~ wrote: "I didn't finish my homework either *evil grin*"Yay! *Grins back*
❄️Ƙανу тнє ναмριяє❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) (Aelonian) (AA family) wrote: "Erin wrote: "He threatened to bust my mom's skull open this morning."wth, that's terrible"
I know! And apparently he's apologized and stuff but in his fight with my sister he kept going against it by saying my sister was being abusive to my mom for cussing so it's like is he actually sorry because he's not acting like it
Valentine Ransom (call me Val) ~Phantom of the Library~ wrote: "What was that about? Who's he? What's wrong with him?"My mom's current boyfriend, Matt, threatened to break her skull in this morning and my older sister who woke up to them yelling was talking about it during their fight. A lot.
❄️Ƙανу тнє ναмριяє❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) (Aelonian) (AA family) wrote: "Erin wrote: "But here I am now. I hate myself. I never did love myself but I was trying I was trying si hard and now? Let's just watch it all fade away."I'm so sorry Erin :( *hugs*"
I'll be fine some day, hopefully. :) *hugs back*
Valentine Ransom (call me Val) ~Phantom of the Library~ wrote: "*joins hug*"Yay XD *hugs*
Valentine Ransom (call me Val) ~Phantom of the Library~ wrote: "Me neither… unfortunately I will go to school"Ah that sucks :(
I want to be a teacher yet I talk trash bout school hmm interesting.
Lillian wrote: "Erin wrote: "I want to be a teacher yet I talk trash bout school hmm interesting."*drums fingers like a James Bond villain* interesting."
XD THANKS
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Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
