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trying to feel like me again
message 51:
by
Erin
(new)
Jan 03, 2018 11:22AM
So why are we trying to rely on a pill?
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Maybe that's why I went on a walk to the park and felt my arm start to go numb.
If it had just been me, I would've stayed.
But Madison had been there too, so I had to think about how somebody else felt.
To be honest though, I just wanted to get out of the house. It feels suffocating.
Buildings tend to do that to me a lot these days.
I wanted to write in the cold until my fingers couldn't take it any longer.
At the end, I told Madison she was a test subject. It wasn't even a lie.
But at the same time I see multiple reasons on why we shouldn't if left, and yet, I still don't regret it.
My head hurts so much. Doctor thinks it's from stress. I think it's from feeling caged. But sometimes those are the same thing.
I say that a lot "but sometimes those are the same thing". That's weird of me.
I just wish the world was better, you know?
And I want to change it and change and change it but how can I change anything if I can't change myself?
That's just one of the reasons I'm looking to love myself.
Another is just because I know that I actually do deserve it.
It sucks that I only know believe that but at least it's now, you know? Better than never.
I think that's the real reason why I don't like the winter. Not the cold, not the slipping and falling, but the harder it is to stay outside. And I know I barely went outside before but that's because everyone was outside and I'm not up to being around people. The children are just so annoying.
But I'll try to go outside more when it gets warmer.
Plus when school comes back from this break I'll have gym so that'll give me some activeness I guess though not in the way I like.
I don't like all the sport and team stuff.
When you say you're going to message a person about a roleplay but you realize you can't...XD
I literally just started laughing and then I stopped at the knock on the door.
I just realized I won a poem contest from forever ago and just now realized XD
Because sometimes you want a poem and life doesn't give you a poem so you settle and you settle and settle for less.
I kept saying I'd roleplay today but when I said I could I just disappeared and started reading again so obviously I contradicted what I'd been planning to do today again.
Erin wrote: "I kept saying I'd roleplay today but when I said I could I just disappeared and started reading again so obviously I contradicted what I'd been planning to do today again."LOL LOOK AT YOU NOW XD
Sometimes I miss the way you spoke your words, with your voice so soft and your volume so loud. Your words were so cruel, though, filled with so much hatred that I ignored because of the way you made it sound like music. Sometimes I miss the way you walk, with your confidence hiding any insecurity you might of had. You made me feel worse about myself, though.
Sometimes I miss you, because with you it was simpler. You were a god, and I was to stay away. It was the simple logic of a middle school kingdom.
And yet you didn't know a thing.
And you probably never will.
Aren't you just filled with luck?
Aren't you?
And yet, now I love the ocean. From a god to an ocean, isn't that incredible? I shouldn't be in love with this Ocean just like I should have never been in love with that God, and for the same reason: I don't love myself and I can't just rely on people. I've gotta be able to rely on myself, too.
There's a difference though the God made m feel foolish and stupid and amplified how much I hated myself, while the ocean is observant and tells me I ought to love myself and knows that her words alone won't change how I feel about myself. She knows it too well.
It's stupid of me, isn't it, to keep comparing humans to gods and oceans?
Oh yeah I never did tell you about the thing that was wrong, did I?
Bill, my mother's ex, was circling the church's parking lot that's located behind my house.
I didn't notice, though, and that's the problem.
We have this back door that's clear and people can look through it and the currents weren't covering it because we like to move them back during the day and there was footsteps and she's thinking it's him, my mom that is.
And now I keep being paranoid that I'm being fucking watched so yeah great.
And he keeps stalking my other family members too and it's pissing me off.
Also yesterday I had a nightmare and I usually don't dream at so it was surprising and I feel like I already said that yesterday but I didn't say what it was about. It was about him killing me.
And I'd love to say that my mind was being dramatic, that he would never, but honestly he seems so fucking crazy so I can't doubt it.
Plus he said he's going to get some thing so he can get a handgun.
I fucking hate being afraid of such a loser
I KNEW HE WAS A TERRIBLE GUY I TOLD MY MOTHER AND INSTEAD OF GETTING RID OF HIM THEN SHE BROUGHT HIM TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST FAMILY.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
