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[Lillian]

Are you ok?

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hi

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havent been here in a while

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goodreads

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im more active on discord now

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i am so much more at peace now compared to when i started this entire journal.

i live alone with my 4 cats, i work whenever i feel like (i still have a quota tho), my mom isnt breathing down my neck since shes not around, and my boyfriend is amazing and supportive.

but i still get the feeling that this wont last. my cats feel unreal, like theyre too good to be true. maybe im just a little cherophobic. idk. i cant shake it off. however, i do feel like better things are coming.

so thats good :) my life is great, i feel so much more at peace now than ever.

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also, i noticed that eating vegetables and fruits gives you energy?? and overall a good, happy feeling :) im less tired, my heart feels better whenever im climbing the stairs and stuff.

:)

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my goodness. i made this journal in june 2017. i was 14 LMAO crazy how fast time goes by

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i wonder if my ex still reads this journal lol. he dmed me once to yell at me for already having a new boyfriend like a month after we broke up

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my ex wanted me to have a discord so i could be his "discord kitten" LMAO but funnily, i met my new bf on discord (politics server) and we kinda vibed idk but i didnt really do much abt this newfound friendship except that we were *just friends* fr fr no cap because i was still w my ex at the time

anywaysss i met a whole new load of people on discord who became my friends

and those friends made me realize that i was groomed by my ex. :D

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yeah like i met him when i was 16 and he was 23

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i didnt know/think that it was a big deal honestly, i was a child. i thought the 7-year age gap was hot

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gawd. looking back, i realized that he had red flags like im asian and he called me exotic unironically

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holy shoot lol

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anyway. im glad that that period of my life is over.

and ive grown up a lot since then, i mean i still have a lot of growing up to do but im no longer brass and obnoxious and vulgar (i mean i still kinda am but at least i dont curse as much as i did)

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that period of my life was when i was powerless and my mom had complete reign over my life.

ive always wanted to leave but i didnt know if it was right, if i was hurting my mom and shit but like my sister called today after like what 10 years and said i must cut my mom off

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she said that she was crazy, bipolar, toxic, manipulative

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i thought of all of those things and how i should just run off but idk where id go, idk what id do, id starve in the streets, get mugged, get killed or worse, get raped. thats what my mom would say whenever i threaten to leave

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i thought that was all normal and that everybody goes through the same stuff

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one time, she had me put my school books and stuff in a plastic bag and go to school like that. the kids laughed at me. in highschool, i did something bad but not really a big deal (i came home like 5 mins after our agreed time or some dumb shit) and she literally dragged me back to school to talk to our teacher about what i did there and yelled at me in front of all the kids and teachers

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she never once apologized. i have never wanted to kill myself more

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and it turns out, everybody knew what she was like. that that wasnt normal. but NOBODY fucking NOBODY told me that. its not that they owe me but they *knew*, they *saw* how a shit mom she was. my 9th grade teacher would ask me all about her and give me sympathetic looks but never told me how that wasnt okay. and everybody would just give me sympathetic looks. i would pretend that yeah lol thats... yeah thats normal ig

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and my sister calls today. she kNEW for years what my mom was like, why is she calling now? why didnt she call all those years ago? why didnt she take me away with her?

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i know this isnt really a problem idk but it feels like, ive been cheated. everybody else got to live normal lives. and i had to suffer like this and i was made to think that its ok, im strong or whatever FUCK THAT! IF I KILLED MYSELF IS THAT WHEN YOU WOULDVE STARTED CARING???? I PROBABLY SHOULDVE JUST KILLED MYSELF THEN

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i wish i killed myself in front of her so she would live the rest of her life with the image of her daughter, slitting her own throat and choking on her own blood embedded on her eyelids and seeing it every time she closes her eyes

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all this couldve been prevented if somebody told me that it wasnt normal. because how the fuck would i have ever known? all those childhood trauma and abuse was not even necessary

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my sister said im 20 and its not yet late, but fuck i did not have to go through all that. i wish i got to enjoy what it was like to be a normal kid in highschool, in elementary

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if i didnt have a boyfriend rn, and if i didnt have 4 cats relying on me, i would just kill myself

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my mom owes my boyfriend 100,000

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yeah like she knew id be gone soon so she has to milk us as much as she can

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i hope shes suffering rn. anyway, i got in touch with my dad after like... 12 years and he said my mom was crazy and that i should just forget about her and move on. like i cant believe he could say that after she swindled him 2million dollars?! he literally mortgaged his mom's house as capital for their business but my mom liquidated all that and ran off with the money. i remember she used it on her new boyfriend. they went on a vacation in hong kong. then she bought a house and furniture. all that with my dad's family's money.


LIKE my dad said his siblings got so mad at him when that happened.

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the fUCKING nerve of the bitch yknow

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shes a slut and a whore and a fraud and the worst mom ever. the audacity of her to talk bad of my dad and my sister after she lied to them. and to me

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i might be adopted which explains why im pretty and shes grotesque

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no like my dad said so himself. shes just super charming and slutty, thats how she bagged him and all her other beards

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a gaslighting psychopath, sex addict, pervert and a slut

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did you know that she told me once that im very lucky because shes my mom and not other parents who sell off their children to traffickers?

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like has that thought ever crossed your mind??? to sell me off??? and im lucky because you decided not to/????

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what kind of PERSON are you

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i hate her so much i hope she rots in whatever puddle she stumbled upon because shes a pig

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happy new year everyone

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before my boyfriend and i lived together, i was like skinny. not super but skinny enough. anyway, weve lived together for 3 months and ive gotten FAT

[kavi ~he-him~]

edge! hiii

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kavi + alex + noir ~he-him~ wrote: "edge! hiii"

hi!!! kavi how are you??

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anyway i had another one of my anger spikes again

it's when you get super angry for a second and it kinda dissipates but its still there sort of and if you don't find an outlet for it you might harmfully project it to something or someone innocent

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im mad at my mom and her boyfriend and the audacity of him to do the things as an "apology" to years and years of sexual abuse

the apology was (view spoiler)[he gave me 20 bucks (hide spoiler)]

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it was years ago but i still remember it and i wanted to rip that bill but i just gave it to my mom instead because i always thought she needed the money.


but apparently, she doesnt and is just extremely stingy when it comes to spending it on me and my well-being. and when she does spend some money on me, she'll forever use that against me
"i gave you x and y so you should do this for me!! the sacrifices i make for you"

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i grew up with 2 of the most narcissistic abusive people in the world and i hate how i just realized that now that most of my childhood is gone and i can never enjoy childish shit anymore like a child would

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that asian girl who killed her mom i just understand her so very well

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she had the guts. i could never and would never in a million years. the worst revenge is living well i guess. but i understand