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Renee's Scattered Brain
message 551:
by
Lauren
(new)
Aug 05, 2009 08:49PM
i think we're just twins.
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That's right, from Halifa. Only on our discovery your birthmark had been removed so we couldn't prove your identity. We're actually triplets, in Halifa multiple births don't occur on the same days. Some pregnancies take years to produce a child. Paul came first, then twenty years later me, and then you. But that was all from one egg. Those are some crazy breeders in Halifa. Crazy.
right and the fact that paul stole most of our testosterone just so he could grow a fallice. shameful. well i guess its the right of the first born.*there's an image for you*
Which one? Paul stealing our testosterone or his fallice? Is that how you spell that? It doesn't look right. That's okay, we don't need the testosterone, damn you for making me type that twice, we got estrogen and lots of it.
Yeah but I mean after this...Junior high will be a snap! As long as I can avoid drugs, violence, and pregnancy. But since I really don't like people touching me, and I'm not aggressive two of those three things are very unlikely to happen.
according to urban dictionary.com, a fallice is a long hairy donkey dick.awkward.
phallus, is how it is spelled, i guess my crenshaw started coming out.
There you go. Much better. Maybe Paul refers to it as a long donkey dick, and that's okay. But I prefer the proper spelling.Sorry Daisy, done the crazy phallus talk.
Renee wrote: "There you go. Much better. Maybe Paul refers to it as a long donkey dick, and that's okay. But I prefer the proper spelling.Sorry Daisy, done the crazy phallus talk."
okay
Congrats Renee! Great word count, 50K plus in July despite all the moving dead.Re fallice and phallus, I refer you to a brief excerpt from an overheard conversation in Halifa which may clarify things more:
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
"Touch me again and I will make you eat that arm, you slimy goat turd," I snarled in Halifan, noting absently that I had chosen to use the martial mode - more appropriate for the issuing of threats of violence. "Now, take me to where they sell desert equipment, before I introduce your ass to a donkey's dick - although I am sure you're already familiar with that sensation."
He gasped, paling and gazing at me in confusion.
"You speak our language?" he said.
"Obviously so," I said. "Do as I have ordered, or I shall feed you to the shit-eating jackals. The most diseased one is doubtless your mother."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Rita has immortalised us in a blog! Great! I'd send the link to all my friends, if they hadn't already died of alcoholic poisoning.
I love it Paul. Love it. Shit-eating jackal is one of my favorite insults, as well as goat turd.
Motherless goat? Is this in vitro goat production we're talking about here? Cloning? Surrogate sheep uteri?
have you ever seen the three amigos.one of the insults is "Son of a motherless goat."
it's kind of like, "You're mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberrys."
Maybe the mother died or abandoned the goat, making him motherless. Then it's just sad.
An excerpt:"Tell him I will use no weapons, because I would be ashamed to soil a good blade with his foul blood. Tell him I want none of his property, for anything that has been in contact with his bloated carcass should be burned. When he lies dead, I want the dogs and the vultures to feast on him, if they can stomach his rancid flesh. If he has a wife, which I doubt, because I cannot imagine he has a dick, she must be blind and with syphilis. She can resume her former career as a cheap whore; a trade doubtless taught to her by his mother. I do not believe that he knew his father."
smoothie. Too yummy. To. care *talking with straw in mouth*
Wow Paul, whoever that is really hates that other guy. I like the animosity, the slurs on his heritage. That is old-school with a Halifa flair. Good stuff.
I bet it was. I love writing nasty stuff like that. It takes a while to have it sound perfect, but it's worth it.
Well, only five hours until we leave for Ontario North, or Cloyne as the locals call it. I'll have lots of pictures, though I don't know if any will be seen by anyone but the family. I might put one or two in my blog. WHo knows.
I know you guys will take care of the place for me, no mutant babies please, I will flush the little bugger when I get back. Keep that in mind.
I have no idea where my bodies have wandered off to, but if anyone sees them, look after them for me. I'll be back Wednesday sometime.
I plan to do a lot of reading, writing, and editing. Unless the booze takes over then maybe just writing. Let's say a collective prayer that I don't fall into the poison ivy as I did on my last trip, I don't plan to pee in the bushes, but one can never know these things. When you gotta go you gotta go. This time I'll force the girls to hold me up, just in case.
Oh no!!!!What am I going to do without my daily dose of Renee? Without those voices whispering in my head all the time? However will I survive?
What?
Oh, of course, the voices are mine. Silly me.
Still, it will be lonely. We'll never survive.
Please don't feel guilty about enjoying your holiday while your legion of fans and devotees are pining here. No, really. :)
Anyway, we'll make sure the place is perfect for your return.
Have a great time!
I know you will miss me. I'll be keeping a little journal of our adventures for my blog. With Donny Smith (my dad) around it is never dull. He's a combination of Larry the Cable Guy and Red Green. I'm sure he'll concoct some strange things for us to do. You've been without your daily dose of me for some time now Paul, I'm sorry I'm leaving just as you get back. But it's only 4 1/2 days. I'll be sure to go right to my email as soon as I get back, well after I go straight to a steaming hot tubby. But right after that.
Ok, I thought you were serious there for a minute.Right, beer and chips here, if only this body will keep still long enough to be a table. Then we'll work out what will really delight her.
Hey, you've got two hours yet, I'm still watching you.
Oh, you know us Renee. Just funning with you.Right Henry?
I meant it when I said no mutant babies, I will get rid of it. I'm heartless when it comes to non-human cannibals. Don't like them.Oh and no snakes, bugs, pooh, or anything creepy crawly and stinky. No flowers either. Got it?
Other than that, have fun. Oh shoot, I've neglected the people in the basement. Could you check on that?
Andy;
We wear pants in my cubi.
Wendy and Lauren;
Please enforce my rules. I trust your judgement.
Paul & Henry;
Behave, well at least try to keep it to a dull roar in here.
Rita;
Make sure that wolf stays out until I get back. I want to have words with him.
Daisy;
Can my dragon stay with you? I don't trust the bodies or Paul's sense of humor.
Renee wrote: "I meant it when I said no mutant babies, I will get rid of it. I'm heartless when it comes to non-human cannibals. Don't like them.Oh and no snakes, bugs, pooh, or anything creepy crawly and st..."
yes of course
Thank you for waiting for Paul to come back before leaving, this feels intentional, I think there is something Halifian going on.I will attempt to be a strick enforcer.
*Hands Paul a baseball bat*
Here this should keep the bodies still. Where's the sweet and sour? Mamma needs a Tom Collins... What no Gin? I'll be back.
It stinks like a bunch of dead bodies in here.* gags and opens up a window * Oh geez, look at the furniture. It's so hot in here that these things are decomposing fast.
* turns the knob on the air conditioning while holding nose * Geez, this thing isn't working. * kicks it * Nothing happened. Well, there's nothing to be done but some spring cleaning here. rolls up sleeves and gets to work
Hey, I've got some leftover pink paint here (um, from painting my daughter's room). These walls in this dung--er, I mean, office-- could really use some color. * starts whistling while painting *
Anybody around to give these dead creatures a proper burial? Renee is just going to have to get herself some new furniture. There is nothing to be done to salvage these.
i think we just need an industrial sized can of shallac.
Drops off two fifty gallon drums of polyethylene and a bathtub.Just dip them, then haul them out back to dry.
I'll have the place fumigated when your done.
pours the drums into the tub and drags over Chrystal Can someone grab the feet?
No, that's OK Gwen. I've fixed the air conditioning and put a large dead halibut behind the vent. The smell of decomposing fish should mask the smell of the bodies.Now, what Renee really needs in here is some relaxing features. How about a salt water aquarium, and a large squid inside it? Renee can sit in her favourite corpse chair, just cutting off bits and throwing them into the tank every so often.
I think I have a 10 gallon tank in my shed somewhere.
hmmm. maybe we should just get one of those above ground pools, that might house a bigger squid then the 10 gallon, he might get angry in a cramped space like that.
I think we're going to have to outsource the tank. A large squid, in Paul-speak means it's going to take several hundred gallons. I'll ring up the Shed Aquarium and check if they have an extra outdoor tank they're not using.
I like the dead halibut trick, Paul. We'll just have to make sure someone changes the fish once a week.
Good Lord it's nice to be home. **fumbles with the door** What the-that's right, it's locked. Mosquito bites, sunburn, kids crying to come home; it's all messed with my brain. **digs key out from pocket, sand falls to the floor** One more thing for the laundry. Oh my goodness, what is that smell? Why do my bodies look all glossy and shit? Holy crap, they look like someone spit shined them. **Sniffs Chrystal** Nope, she smells remarkably like paint thinner or something. I should crack a window, wouldn't want anyone getting high of that. Oh, better yet the air conditioning should get rid of that stench.
**notices giant pool thing with a really big omething in it** Somebody is in big trouble. Whatever that is, needs to get the heck out of here. What is it? Ewww! It's staring at me. I don't like that one bit.
Paul, you better come get this. I know it was you.
**switches air conditioner on** THwump...mrrrmmrrr..What? **Open front** Nice, really nice. I'm feeding this to Artie. Wait, maybe that creepy thing likes dead fish. **throws it in the pool** Creepy thing eyeballs it and turns away. Picky little bastard aren't you? Maybe I'll keep you, I like your attitude. What should I call you? Sparky? Sparky it is.
Yes, I said Wednesday but the kids and my dad would have had a mental breakdown if we stayed one more day. My children are too pampered. They missed their beds and their pets and TV. They did pretty good though, Kennedy after staying up crying the entire first night, decided she loved it. The older two were fine until last night. Then they cried all night. So, all in all, I got one night of sleep. Good stuff.
I wrote quite a bit. The total 9096 words. Pretty good since I had someone up my ass every minute of every day.
Approaches cubicle door, with wriggling sack.Renee'll really like these ... aww, crap! She's back already. What the hell am I going to do with three tap dancing penguins and a life sizze replica of Alien? Least, I think it's a replica.
Places sack just outside door and tiptoes away.
She'll find them and think it's a present. Well, it is a present. Sort of. And I'll just deny all knowledge. Usually works.
You wrote on vacation? Now that's dedication.
I think you did more than me while you were away. I've just been trying to adjust to being back in the land of the Internet, and it takes up a lot of time, MySpacing and Facebooking and Twittering and Googling and Goodreading and ...Well, that's my excuse anyway.
By the way, I had my guns and C4 and grenades ready. If those terrorists ever attacked, I was going to take them out. But no terrorists ever came.
Paul wrote: "Approaches cubicle door, with wriggling sack.Renee'll really like these ... aww, crap! She's back already. What the hell am I going to do with three tap dancing penguins and a life sizze replica ..."
um paul, if renee doesn't like the penguins you can take them to my cubi, we can do reinactments of mary poppins.
That's fair.Renee, oh Renee, looks like someone left a sack outside your door. It seems to be full of penguins and an alien monster, like in that film with Sigourney Weaver. It's just a model - I think.
Shall I leave them here then?
Someone left a sack, my ass. I don't even know how to take care of a penguins. Alien monster? Come on. Sigh, put it with the weird thing in the pool. If they don't eat each other maybe they'll make friends. If they do, survival of the fittest. I find writing relaxing. So, whenever the kids left me alone I hauled out the laptop and puttered away. It was nice, until the little monsters came screaming to drag me off swimming, fishing, playing volleyball(I forgot how much I love that sport), or digging for bugs. yes, we dug for bugs. I was not impressed but we found lots of different little critters.
Did anyone know that when deerflies bite they take chunks of flesh with them? The backs of my legs are covered in little holey bumps. That is, a bump with a chunk of skin missing in the middle. That will probably scar I think. How did I live 30 years around here and not know that? We have tons of those annoying little buggers around. Never been bit before.
Thanks for the coffee, just what I needed. No, don't worry about cleaning up, I got it. I just did three loads of laundry, bathed three kids, fixed the leak under the sink and then cleaned that mess too, cleaned the girls' bedroom, put all our shit away and waded through a ton of emails, but I'll clean this up too. If Sparky would stop sloshing water around it would be much easier. That's right you little freak, I'm talking about you. Just finish eating your alien and sit still for five minutes, or I'll drain all the water out of their. Ever seen a dried out squid? Not pretty, even by your standards.
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