Arthur Graham > Arthur's Quotes

“To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend.”
― Jacques Derrida

“Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.”
― Alan Moore, Watchmen

“Even those who consider all this total bullshit have to concede that it's upscale, artisanal bullshit of the highest order.”
― Mark Leyner

“There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.”
― Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”
― Voltaire

“he had nothing to say and he said it”
― Ambrose Bierce

“The flies were teaching an advanced seminar in philosophy as they crawled up the crack of my ass”
― Richard Brautigan, A Confederate General from Big Sur

“Sit down on your ass, or what's left of it after four years in the navy.”
― William S. Burroughs, Queer

“Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”
― Frank Kaiser

“If I had five million pounds I'd start a radio station because something needs to be done. It would be nice to turn on the radio and hear something that didn't make you feel like smashing up the kitchen and strangling the cat.”
― Joe Strummer

“That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”
― Charles Bukowski, Women

“I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.”
― Hunter S. Thompson

“I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.”
― George Carlin

“How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren't Real.”
― Jaden Smith

“She left her heels here. God, of all the things she could have left—earrings, boogered-up tissue paper, soiled panties, a toothbrush—she leaves her damn heels—O cruel fate!—the same ones she wore the night I first took her to bed—looked real good in them, too. She wanted them off at first, but I wouldn’t let her, I said, “If you remove those heels, I’ll fuck them instead of you.”
― Brian Alan Ellis, The Mustache He's Always Wanted but Could Never Grow: And Other Stories

“After we discovered that we’d both graduated from high school the same year, shared a religious devotion to all major professional sports, and hated gays, Bry and I professed our brove to one another, quit our slaughterhouse jobs, and left our respective wives and kids so that we could move in together and hang out 24/7”
― Douglas Hackle, Clown Tear Junkies

“All over Russia, bears were depressed. The Yeti were moving west. This was due to global warming, but the bears hadn’t gone to university so they didn’t understand the bigger picture. All they knew was that one day bears were the best animals, and the next these strange creatures were punching them in the face and eating all their salmon and berries.”
― Grady Hendrix, Tall Tales with Short Cocks Vol. 4

“If life hands you lemons... make lemonade. Then... try to find someone to whom life has handed vodka...”
― Les Edgerton

“If I had my way we'd sleep every night all wrapped around each other like hibernating rattlesnakes.”
― William S. Burroughs

“Whenever he composes a critical review, I have been told, he gets an enormous erection.”
― Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, The Waste Books

“Baby, in a couple of minutes I'm going to rip off your god damned panties and show you some turkey neck you'll remember all the way to the graveside. I have a vast and curved penis, like a sickle, and many a gutted pussy has gasped come upon my callous and roach-smeared rug. First let me finish this drink.”
― Charles Bukowski, Notes of a Dirty Old Man

“The trouble with these people is that their cities have never been bombed and their mothers have never been told to shut up.”
― Charles Bukowski

“My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky.”
― Alan Moore

“A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. A psychotic is a guy who's just found out what's going on.”
― William S. Burroughs

“All writing is garbage. People who come out of nowhere to try and put into words any part of what goes on in their minds are pigs. ”
― Antonin Artaud

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor

“The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.”
― Christy Leigh Stewart

“according to my figures I've only had 2500 pieces of ass but I've watched 12500 horse races, and if I have any advice to anybody, it's this: take up watercolor painting.”
― Charles Bukowski

“There is no such thing as a weird human being, It's just that some people require more understanding than others.”
― Tom Robbins

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
― Jon Stewart