Ines > Ines's Quotes

“Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing.
And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Make it quick," I said when I picked up.
"Okay. Two men from the FBI are here." Cookie said. Quickly.
Crap. "Men in black are at the office?"
"Well, yes, but they're actually in more of a navy."
Crapola. I so don't have time for men. In any color. "Okay, two questions. Do they look mad, and are they hot?"
After a long, long, pause, Cookie said, "One, not really. Two, no comment at this time. And three, you're on speakerphone."
After another long, long pause, I said, "Okie dokie then. Be there in a jiff.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“WITH GREAT BREASTS COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. —T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"

I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I stop fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now. T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“No, no, no, no, no. Anything but murder. Or rape. Or kidnapping. Or armed robbery. Or indecent exposure, ’cause that’s just creepy.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT’S GONNA GIVE YOU TROUBLE. —BUMPER STICKER”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“Even then, she still held a secret passion for Mozart. When he died in 1791, her grief made her provoke the people into starting the French Revolution. Stepping up to the guillotine herself, she ordered the executioner to behead her, thereby committing assisted suicide.”
― Yasutaka Tsutsui, Salmonella Men on Planet Porno

“The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.”
― Tina Fey

“I went back outside and manually released my butt cheeks.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“A TV show comprises many departments—Costumes, Props, Talent, Graphics, Set Dressing, Transportation. Everyone in every department wants to show off their skills and contribute creatively to the show, which is a blessing. You’re grateful to work with people who are talented and enthusiastic about their jobs. You would think that as a producer, your job would be to churn up creativity, but mostly your job is to police enthusiasm. You may have an occasion where the script calls for a bran muffin on a white plate and the Props Department shows up with a bran cake in the shape of Santa Claus sitting on a silver platter that says “Welcome to Denmark.” “We just thought it would be funny.” And you have to find a polite way to explain that the character is Jewish, so her eating Santa’s face might have negative connotations, and the silver tray, while beautiful, is giving a weird glare on camera and maybe let’s go with the bran muffin on the white plate. And then sometimes Actors have what they call “ideas.” Usually it involves them talking more, or, in the case of more experienced actors, sitting more. When Actors have ideas it’s very important to get to the core reason behind their idea.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“You can fix it as soon as you get up - you brush and use mouthwash - but there’s something about knowing you woke up with hot-mothball mouth that makes you feel old. I think God designed our mouths to die first to help us slowly transition to the grave.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“I would not trade any of these features for anybody else’s. I wouldn’t trade the small thin-lipped mouth that makes me resemble my nephew. I wouldn’t even trade the acne scar on my right cheek, because that recurring zit spent more time with me in college than any boy ever did.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“You totally need to watch the news."
"Can't."
"Why?"
"It's too depressing."
"Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“I hardly loathe myself. Have you seen my ass?”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. - T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“He’d actually hit me! It didn’t matter that hitting me wasn’t really like hitting a regular girl and I’d be completely healed in a matter of hours. I was still a freaking girl, and he damned well knew it. I’d just have to hit him back. With a lead pipe. Or an eighteen-wheeler.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead