Evan E. > Evan's Quotes

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  • #1
    “People say that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. This is why unsolicited advice should be left to the professionals, because if life gives you lemons but doesn't also give you a whole lot of sugar, you're going to end up with some pretty awful-tasting lemonade. You might as well advise people that if life gives them a bag of wet sand they should make a stained glass window.”
    Cuthbert Soup, No Other Story

  • #2
    “You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.”
    Cuthbert Soup, Another Whole Nother Story

  • #3
    Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
    “- Why me?
    - That is a very Earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?
    - Yes.
    - Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why.”
    Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Slaughterhouse-Five

  • #4
    “The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.”
    Cuthbert Soup, Another Whole Nother Story

  • #5
    Lemony Snicket
    “If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”
    Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

  • #6
    Douglas Adams
    “The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
    Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

  • #7
    Douglas Adams
    “The story so far:
    In the beginning the Universe was created.
    This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
    Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

  • #8
    Gary Larson
    “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?”
    Gary Larson, The Complete Far Side, 1980–1994

  • #9
    Alfred Hitchcock
    “Puns are the highest form of literature.”
    Alfred Hitchcock

  • #10
    “This is a haiku
    Haiku's don't have to make sense
    Refrigerator”
    ANONOMOUS

  • #11
    Jarod Kintz
    “Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession."

    Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,
    Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,
    Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob”
    Jarod Kintz, A Letter to Andre Breton, Originally Composed on a Leaf of Lettuce With an Ink-dipped Carrot

  • #12
    Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
    “Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
    Kurt Vonnegut

  • #13
    Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
    “It was a movie about American bombers in World War II and the gallant men who flew them. Seen backwards by Billy, the story went like this: American planes, full of holes and wounded men and corpses took off backwards from an airfield in England. Over France, a few German fighter planes flew at them backwards, sucked bullets and shell fragments from some of the planes and crewmen. They did the same for wrecked American bombers on the ground, and those planes flew up backwards to join the formation.

    The formation flew backwards over a German city that was in flames. The bombers opened their bomb bay doors, exerted a miraculous magnetism which shrunk the fires, gathered them into cylindrical steel containers , and lifted the containers into the bellies of the planes. The containers were stored neatly in racks. The Germans below had miraculous devices of their own, which were long steel tubes. They used them to suck more fragments from the crewmen and planes. But there were still a few wounded Americans though and some of the bombers were in bad repair. Over France though, German fighters came up again, made everything and everybody as good as new.

    When the bombers got back to their base, the steel cylinders were taken from the racks and shipped back to the United States of America, where factories were operating night and day, dismantling the cylinders, separating the dangerous contents into minerals. Touchingly, it was mainly women who did this work. The minerals were then shipped to specialists in remote areas. It was their business to put them into the ground, to hide them cleverly, so they would never hurt anybody ever again.”
    Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

  • #14
    Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
    “All this happened, more or less.”
    Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

  • #15
    Stephen Colbert
    “It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.”
    Stephen Colbert

  • #16
    Stephen Colbert
    “Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!”
    Stephen Colbert, I Am America

  • #17
    Stephen Colbert
    “(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.”
    Stephen Colbert

  • #18
    Stephen Colbert
    “If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.”
    Stephen Colbert

  • #19
    Stephen Colbert
    “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”
    Stephen Colbert

  • #20
    Stephen Colbert
    “If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.”
    Stephen Colbert

  • #21
    Stephen Colbert
    “I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.”
    Stephen Colbert

  • #22
    Andy Weir
    “Yes, of course duct tape works in a near-vacuum. Duct tape works anywhere. Duct tape is magic and should be worshiped.”
    Andy Weir, The Martian

  • #23
    Andy Weir
    “He’s stuck out there. He thinks he’s totally alone and that we all gave up on him. What kind of effect does that have on a man’s psychology?” He turned back to Venkat. “I wonder what he’s thinking right now.”

    LOG ENTRY: SOL 61 How come Aquaman can control whales? They’re mammals! Makes no sense.”
    Andy Weir, The Martian

  • #24
    Stephen Colbert
    “That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.”
    Stephen Colbert, I Am America

  • #25
    Ted Chiang
    “Nothing erases the past. There is repentance, there is atonement, and there is forgiveness. That is all, but that is enough.”
    Ted Chiang, The Merchant and the Alchemist's Gate

  • #26
    Ted Chiang
    “Four things do not come back: the spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life, and the neglected opportunity.”
    Ted Chiang, The Merchant and the Alchemist's Gate

  • #27
    Homer
    “Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story
    of that man skilled in all ways of contending,
    the wanderer, harried for years on end”
    Homer, The Odyssey

  • #28
    Homer
    “Sing, O muse, of the rage of Achilles, son of Peleus, that brought countless ills upon the Achaeans.”
    Homer, The Iliad



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