I Am America Quotes

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“The more you know, the sadder you get.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in
one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“I am no fan of books.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Any religion whose messiah’s name
isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of
a threat.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children's elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s
responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight
from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological
Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in
America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see?”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Baptists:
I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don't go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.

Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn't mean that you should necessarily skip it. That would be like skipping Batman and Robin just because the story starts over in Batman Begins. The important thing to realize is that both the old and new stories are about an all-powerful being trying to rid the world of evildoers, only in the new one The Batman can eat pork.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America