J.C. > J.C.'s Quotes

“I had a soft spot in my heart for Ronald Regan, if only because he was a sportswriter in his youth, and also because his wife gave the best head in Hollywood.”
― Hunter S. Thompson

“Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“Serge bowed his own head and closed his eyes "God, please protect us from your followers. Amen”
― Tim Dorsey, The Stingray Shuffle

“Operating in the black market is like trying to get laid in a city you don't know. In a strange city, if you have enough money, you're bound to find something, but there might be a disease contracted, you might get rolled or arrested, and there's no telling how much it will cost. With you wife, its predictable and in a steady quantity.”
― George Crile III, Charlie Wilson's War: The Extraordinary Story of How the Wildest Man in Congress and a Rogue CIA Agent Changed the History of our Times

“Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

“The white people were as thick and numerous and aimless as grasshoppers, moving always in a hurry but never seeming to get to whatever place it was they were going to.”
― Dee Brown, Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee: An Indian History of the American West

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“It's given many great performers their start, but more importantly, it's killed thousands of barely talented people and it's put them to death, and they're now doing the jobs they're built for.”
― Bill Murray

“The mind of America is seized by a fatal dry rot - and it's only a question of time before all that the mind controls will run amuck in a frenzy of stupid impotent fear. (In a letter dated 9-26-58)”
― Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967

“...because he had been waiting for someone to come back to him, so every time someone knocked on the door, he couldn't stop himself from hoping it might be that person, even though he knew he shouldn't hope.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson

“At 30-below, mushers will begin to put fleece jackets on their more sensitive dogs. Males are affixed with pile jockstraps, "peter heaters," to guard against frostbite.”
― John Balzar, Yukon Alone: The World's Toughest Adventure Race

“During an ordinary Quest day, a fifty-pound dog needs the caloric equivalent of twenty double cheeseburgers, and more if the temperature drops.”
― John Balzar, Yukon Alone: The World's Toughest Adventure Race

“Back at the Rash [a Florida nightclub], a waif in a lime latex body tube went into the rest room to snort the newest designer drug, XGB5, which gave people the uncanny sensation of throwing money away while chewing their own lips off. It was hard to come by and everyone had to have it.”
― Tim Dorsey, Orange Crush

“Men seem to be born with a debt they can never pay no matter how hard they try.”
― John Steinbeck, Sweet Thursday

“There is always something wrong with redheads. The hair is kinky, or it's the wrong color, too dark and tough, or too pale and sickly. And the skin - it rejects the elements: wind, sun, everything discolors it. A really beautiful redhead is rarer than a flawless forty-carat pigeon-blood ruby - or a flawed one, for that matter. But none of this was true of Kate. Her hair was like a winter sunset, lighted with the last of the pale afterglow. And the only redhead I've ever seen with a complexion to compare with hers was Pamela Churchill's. But then, Pam is English, she grew up saturated with dewy English mists, something every dermatologist ought to bottle.”
― Truman Capote, Answered Prayers

“That, and the untended mental health problems. We have all these insane armed hobos coming from the Midwest, usually Ohio. Fuck Ohio.”
― Tim Dorsey, Florida Roadkill

“Belong to a religion? Doesn't bother me if you do, as long as it's not one that says to stop thinking and be loud about it.”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“Almighty Father, please stop making jerks. Amen...Break!”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“She believed, and was entitled to believe, I must say, that all human beings were evil by nature, whether tormentors or victims, or idle standers-by. They could only create meaningless tragedies, she said, since they weren't nearly intelligent enough to accomplish all the good they were meant to do.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Jailbird

“Q: Which party had wildest celebration and how did it play out?

1) The 1972 Dolphins Super Bowl watching party for the David Tyree catch?

2) The Jack Nicklaus day after Thanksgiving morning in 2009?

3) The NFL referee Monday night football watching party at Ed Hochuli's house for the Seattle/Green Bay game?
—Steve G., Salt Lake City

SG: Here's my theory on the day after Thanksgiving in 2009: I think Jack Nicklaus heard the news, went out and bought a bottle of 20-year-old Pappy Van Winkle, found an antique shotgun with 300 rounds of ammo, then drove to a secluded spot in the woods 25 miles away from any other human being. He got out of his car, started jumping around and screaming like he won the Super Bowl, did this for 20 solid minutes, then started swigging whiskey and shooting at things while whooping it up. Eventually, he drank the entire bottle, got back into his car and just started happily ramming into trees until the car stopped moving. Then he passed out in the driver's seat, woke up the next morning and walked home. Anyway, my answer is Jack Nicklaus.”
― Bill Simmons Grantland Mailbag Oct. 28 2012

“It's odd how fast a beautiful woman can turn a guy's mind into lint storage. Just by being a beautiful woman.”
― Dennis Lehane, Moonlight Mile

“All the stuff our fathers took for granted as long as you worked hard, the great safety net and the fair wage and the gold watch at the end of it all? That's all gone around here, my friend.”
― Dennis Lehane, Moonlight Mile

“I doubt if ever one ceases to love, but one can cease to be in love as easily as one can outgrow an author one admired as a boy.”
― Graham Greene, Doctor Fischer of Geneva or The Bomb Party

“He's satisfied with himself. If you have a soul you can't be satisfied.”
― Graham Greene, Doctor Fischer of Geneva or The Bomb Party

“I'm getting a diamond-hard boner just thinking about it.”
― Tim Dorsey, Gator A-Go-Go

“Don't make fun of people who are different. Unless they have more money and influence. Then you must”
― Tim Dorsey, Gator A-Go-Go

“Always walk away from a fight. Then ambush.”
― Tim Dorsey, Gator A-Go-Go

“Look forward to the wonderment of growing up, raising a family and driving by the gas station where the popular kids now work.”
― Tim Dorsey, Gator A-Go-Go

“Hang on to your dreams with everything you got. Because the best life is when your dreams come true. The second-best is when they don't but you never stop chasing them.”
― Tim Dorsey, Gator A-Go-Go