Torpedo Juice Quotes

“Belong to a religion? Doesn't bother me if you do, as long as it's not one that says to stop thinking and be loud about it.”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“Almighty Father, please stop making jerks. Amen...Break!”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“Don’t you understand? The answer is inside each of you! Don’t follow anyone else! Be your own leader! Lead yourselves!”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“Photography teaches me to be observant,” said Serge. “Discipline. Becoming one with the environment so I don’t miss even the smallest detail.” A skunk ape crossed the road behind him.”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“Like no other place on earth. Raw natural beauty, relentless freedom, unorthodox natives. A friend told me something else about the Keys I never forgot: Down here, nobody is who they seem to be. When people in other parts of the country want to reinvent themselves, they come to Florida. But when people in Florida want to reinvent themselves, they come to the Keys.”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“they’re screwing you, that’s why! You can’t say exactly how they’re doing it because that’s part of the conspiracy. More years pass. You’re switching channels after dinner and happen to hear something that finally explains how none of this is your fault. You see, you’re a victim. You did nothing to deserve this. And you know what? They’re right. You did absolutely nothing. And one day you wake up and find yourself in one of these meetings you find so hilarious.”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“He ran up fast until he was right in her face. “Shut the hell up! You’re a child. You don’t know shit! You think adults with problems are funny? You know how they get that way? They start like you, a smart-ass punk disrespecting underpaid teachers who are trying to hand you the keys to the world, thinking life’s going to bloom all by itself”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“biggest danger is the people who believe Everything They Know Is Right. That’s the key to personal growth: Identify your firmest, most self-comforting beliefs, then beat the living shit out of them and see if they’re still standing. The key to stagnation? Worry about other people’s beliefs. There’s an invisible war of self-interest between the ends of the spectrum, and we’re foot soldiers caught in the crossfire. That’s why I’m a moderate, from the extremist wing. Because the middle is where the good people are. It’s where hope is. And it’s where the truth lies. But what is this truth? For starters, it’s don’t listen to someone whose only credentials are that he’s standing at the front of a room. And that’s the truth.”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“So now you don’t know what to believe,” said Serge, “and that’s exactly what you should believe. To borrow from Fire-sign Theater, Everything You Know Is Wrong. Because the biggest”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“No, they truly are fucking evil. But a necessary evil. We’re capitalists, after all, which means we benefit from man’s worst instincts, as opposed to Communists, who suffer from man’s best instincts. Who’s really to blame? The media! Those self-righteous hacks with their liberal bias. Kudos to you, Fox News! You tell us what the ‘media elite’ refuses to: that we need to get all wadded up and distracted over gay marriage so we don’t notice the next massive transfer of wealth scheme. No wonder the rest of the world hates us. Half of America hates the other half. The country’s tearing itself down the middle, and these latter-day pimps of yahooism are swinging sledgehammers at the wedge….”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“against the deep pockets. It’s the corporations, I tell you!…”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“Are you insane? Lawyers are good! We need lawyers! Be more skeptical. Analyze those attorney-bashing sound bytes by multinational corporations and the harems of far-right congressmen they buy up on the cheap like dazed crack whores chanting, ‘I take it in the mouth for jury-cap lobbyists.’ Listen carefully when Fortune Five Hundreds say the greatest threat is runaway verdicts that only enrich those greedy trial lawyers. Then ask yourself: Why does every vested interest that wants us to get rid of our lawyers have entire floors reserved for their own legal teams?…No, lawyers are the common man’s last defense”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“The entire problem is this victim mentality. When did that start? Life’s not turning out the way they said it would when you were in first grade. You’re not the president or a movie star or playing center field for the Yankees. Guess what? They lied! Move on! You come from incredible stock! Immigrants who chewed through it all and spit it out with thanks: Ellis Island, Manifest Destiny, the dust bowls, Normandy, and for what? For a society that now encourages everyone to choose up excuse teams: My attention span’s a little off, sometimes I’m nervous, sometimes I’m tired, insults make me sad, I was unfairly labeled slow in school when I really just didn’t want to do any work, a diet of super-size French fries turned me into a human zeppelin, your honor, so I need to be given a lot of money….”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“The common good,” said Serge. “It’s not hip.”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“But it’s no surprise; lost people everywhere and none of them accepting my free maps.”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“He told himself to slow down to appreciate the moment, and he started walking faster to appreciate it sooner…. Photos. I need photos!”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“Traveling is all about talking to new people. That’s the ball game. That’s the whole point, travel to an exotic place, meet the people, immerse in their culture, and find out why they’re so fucked up. If you’re not going to spill your guts to complete strangers, why take the trip? You might as well just stay home abusing sex toys until that mishap that brings paramedics and you become the talk of the neighborhood. But communication is easy for me because I’m a listener. I love to hear people gab about themselves. Every single person is special. Everyone has great stories. Like you. I’ll bet you have a million. How old are you? Sixty?”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice

“For long rides, I require a stimulating conversation partner with deep reservoirs of cultural references upon which my metaphors can find purchase….”
― Tim Dorsey, Torpedo Juice