Uju Ugwu > Uju's Quotes

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  • #1
    George Carlin
    “THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.”
    George Carlin, Brain Droppings

  • #2
    David Levithan
    libidinous, adj.

    I never understood why anyone would have sex on the floor. Until I was with you and I realized: you don't ever realize you're on the floor.”
    David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary
    tags: love, sex

  • #4
    Carl Sagan
    “Fireflies out on a warm summer's night, seeing the urgent, flashing, yellow-white phosphorescence below them, go crazy with desire; moths cast to the winds an enchantment potion that draws the opposite sex, wings beating hurriedly, from kilometers away; peacocks display a devastating corona of blue and green and the peahens are all aflutter; competing pollen grains extrude tiny tubes that race each other down the female flower's orifice to the waiting egg below; luminescent squid present rhapsodic light shows, altering the pattern, brightness and color radiated from their heads, tentacles, and eyeballs; a tapeworm diligently lays a hundred thousand fertilized eggs in a single day; a great whale rumbles through the ocean depths uttering plaintive cries that are understood hundreds of thousands of kilometers away, where another lonely behemoth is attentively listening; bacteria sidle up to one another and merge; cicadas chorus in a collective serenade of love; honeybee couples soar on matrimonial flights from which only one partner returns; male fish spray their spunk over a slimy clutch of eggs laid by God-knows-who; dogs, out cruising, sniff each other's nether parts, seeking erotic stimuli; flowers exude sultry perfumes and decorate their petals with garish ultraviolet advertisements for passing insects, birds, and bats; and men and women sing, dance, dress, adorn, paint, posture, self-mutilate, demand, coerce, dissemble, plead, succumb, and risk their lives.

    To say that love makes the world go around is to go too far. The Earth spins because it did so as it was formed and there has been nothing to stop it since. But the nearly maniacal devotion to sex and love by most of the plants, animals, and microbes with which we are familiar is a pervasive and striking aspect of life on Earth. It cries out for explanation. What is all this in aid of? What is the torrent of passion and obsession about? Why will organisms go without sleep, without food, gladly put themselves in mortal danger for sex? ... For more than half the history of life on Earth organisms seem to have done perfectly well without it. What good is sex?... Through 4 billion years of natural selection, instructions have been honed and fine-tuned...sequences of As, Cs, Gs, and Ts, manuals written out in the alphabet of life in competition with other similar manuals published by other firms. The organisms become the means through which the instructions flow and copy themselves, by which new instructions are tried out, on which selection operates.

    'The hen,' said Samuel Butler, 'is the egg's way of making another egg.' It is on this level that we must understand what sex is for. ... The sockeye salmon exhaust themselves swimming up the mighty Columbia River to spawn, heroically hurdling cataracts, in a single-minded effort that works to propagate their DNA sequences into future generation. The moment their work is done, they fall to pieces. Scales flake off, fins drop, and soon--often within hours of spawning--they are dead and becoming distinctly aromatic.

    They've served their purpose.

    Nature is unsentimental.

    Death is built in.”
    Carl Sagan, Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors: Earth Before Human

  • #5
    Chelsea Handler
    “My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”
    Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

  • #6
    Chelsea Handler
    “There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
    Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

  • #7
    Chelsea Handler
    “At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
    Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

  • #8
    Chelsea Handler
    “I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
    Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

  • #9
    Chelsea Handler
    “Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”
    Chelsea Handler

  • #10
    Chelsea Handler
    “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
    Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

  • #11
    Chelsea Handler
    “I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.

    At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, 'When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”
    Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

  • #12
    Chelsea Handler
    “My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”
    Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

  • #13
    Chelsea Handler
    “It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.”
    Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

  • #14
    Chelsea Handler
    “I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”
    Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

  • #15
    Chelsea Handler
    “My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.”
    Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

  • #16
    Chelsea Handler
    “My father has a high opinion of his opinion”
    Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea



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