Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang Quotes

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line. I wouldn't put anyone through the hell of listening to me sing a song, and I sure as shit wouldn't wait in line to do it.”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.”
― Chelsea Handler , Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“I hated Big. I hated everything about him and this story line. First of all, it didn’t make any sense that he was getting out of the car to tell her he would marry her and never once said that when she’s throwing the flowers at him. I wanted Big dead. I wanted to take the fork that was sitting in my bathroom and stab him in the eyes, right where he has those big puffy circles under them. Stupid-ass shitstain motherfucker. Then Carrie wastes all of her energy being mad at Miranda when the real problem was and always will be Charlotte. Forget what Miranda told Big about getting married. How about being mad at Charlotte for being so stupid? The only decent thing Charlotte’s ever done on the show or in the movie is shit her pants, and that does not make up for years of Type 1 retardation. My”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“heard”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“I’m a murderer, Ted! I’m a murderer. A dog murderer! I’m just like Phil Spector minus the music career.” “No, Chelsea, you need to get ahold of yourself. You are not a murderer! This was an accidental dog homicide!” “What”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“In true Ted form, he was not in on the joke, which is basically the foundation of our relationship. No matter how much time goes by, I am still able to make him believe stories that no one who has completed high school would believe. On separate occasions I’ve convinced him that I paid sixteen thousand dollars for a pair of sunglasses, that I donated ten thousand dollars to a charity that helps prevent pit bulls from being forced to wear rhinestone collars, and that a pair of my shoes came with two Swiss Army knives under the soles.”
― Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang