EinsteinzVice > EinsteinzVice's Quotes

“Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day...I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List “What do you want — the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats
“Snausages? I’ve been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they’re delicious. I will not be shamed by this.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On My Response to Having My Tires Slashed “Oh, don’t go to the goddamned cops. They’re busy with real shit. I don’t want my tax dollars going to figuring out who thinks you’re an asshole.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Los Angeles is like San Diego’s older, uglier sister that has herpes.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“Striving to meet my father's expectations is like climbing out of quicksand: the harder I try to get to the top, the more I'm sucked back down by his unrelenting criticism.”
― Lac Su, I Love Yous Are for White People

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

“You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind is a palace.”
― Frank McCourt, Angela’s Ashes

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
― Maya Angelou

“Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Whatever the cost of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation.”
― Walter Cronkite

“When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

“Call a jack a jack. Call a spade a spade. But always call a whore a lady. Their lives are hard enough, and it never hurts to be polite.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

“You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

“We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind