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  • #1
    “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
    ― Paul Terry
    tags: exercise, humor, laziness, misattributed-to-hutchins
    24403 likes

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  • #2
    Jim Henson
    “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
    ― Jim Henson
    26436 likes

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  • #3
    Markus Herz
    “Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.”
    ― Markus Herz
    tags: books, health, humor, misattributed-mark-twain, misprints
    13741 likes

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  • #4
    Terry Pratchett
    “Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
    ― Terry Pratchett, Jingo
    tags: humor, proverb
    12955 likes

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  • #5
    Groucho Marx
    “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
    ― Groucho Marx
    tags: books, humor, reading, television
    23106 likes

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  • #6
    Douglas Adams
    “The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
    ― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything
    tags: flight, flying, hg2g, humor
    4989 likes

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  • #7
    Woody Allen
    “I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
    ― Woody Allen
    tags: death, fear, humor, life
    25661 likes

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  • #8
    Garrison Keillor
    “Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
    ― Garrison Keillor
    tags: humor, religion
    30291 likes

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  • #9
    Douglas Adams
    “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

    There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
    ― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
    tags: humor
    7880 likes

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  • #10
    Terry Pratchett
    “Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”
    ― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time
    tags: humor
    10165 likes

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  • #11
    Rita Mae Brown
    “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”
    ― Rita Mae Brown
    tags: humor, insanity
    12677 likes

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  • #12
    Thomas Szasz
    “Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.”
    ― Thomas Szasz
    tags: humor, inspirational
    9772 likes

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  • #13
    Geoff Johns
    “I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.”
    ― Geoff Johns, Teen Titans, Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls
    tags: humor
    541 likes

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  • #14
    Janet Evanovich
    “Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
    Eddie DeChooch”
    ― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up
    tags: humor
    1537 likes

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  • #15
    Scott Adams
    “If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
    ― Scott Adams
    tags: humor
    165 likes

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  • #16
    Albert Einstein
    “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
    ― Albert Einstein
    tags: attributed-no-source, human-nature, humor, infinity, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe
    148734 likes

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  • #17
    “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
    ― Narcotics Anonymous
    tags: humor, insanity, life, misattributed-ben-franklin, misattributed-mark-twain, misattributed-to-einstein
    64746 likes

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  • #18
    Mark Twain
    “I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”
    ― Mark Twain
    tags: humor, knowledge
    6895 likes

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  • #19
    Mark Twain
    “Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”
    ― Mark Twain
    tags: humor, writing
    9635 likes

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  • #20
    Mark Twain
    “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
    ― Mark Twain
    tags: humor, politics
    9113 likes

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  • #21
    C.E.M. Joad
    “Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”
    ― C.E.M. Joad
    tags: creativity, humor, misattributed-to-einstein, paraphrased
    13079 likes

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  • #22
    Henry Ward Beecher
    “Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?”
    ― Henry Ward Beecherr
    tags: books, humor
    7420 likes

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  • #23
    Bill Watterson
    “Reality continues to ruin my life.”
    ― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
    tags: calvin-and-hobbes, humor, life
    21212 likes

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  • #24
    Mae West
    “I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.”
    ― Mae West
    tags: humor, temptation
    7022 likes

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  • #25
    Mark Twain
    “But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”
    ― Mark Twain
    tags: humor-satan
    6213 likes

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  • #26
    Friedrich Nietzsche
    “It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche
    tags: humor, philosophy
    8096 likes

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  • #27
    Albert Einstein
    “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”
    ― Albert Einstein
    tags: humor
    9933 likes

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  • #28
    Groucho Marx
    “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
    ― Groucho Marx
    tags: books, humor, reading
    3621 likes

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  • #29
    Oscar Wilde
    “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
    ― Oscar Wilde
    tags: creation, god, humor, man
    6388 likes

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  • #30
    George Bernard Shaw
    “Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.”
    ― George Bernard Shaw
    tags: animals, attributed-no-source, friends, humor, vegetarianism
    3091 likes



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Tags From Alex’s Quotes

exercise
humor
laziness
misattributed-to-hutchins
books
health
misattributed-mark-twain
misprints
proverb
reading
television
flight
flying
hg2g
death
fear
life
religion
insanity
inspirational
attributed-no-source
human-nature
infinity
philosophy
science
stupidity
universe
misattributed-ben-franklin
misattributed-to-einstein
knowledge
writing
politics
creativity
paraphrased
calvin-and-hobbes
temptation
humor-satan
creation
god
man
animals
friends
vegetarianism