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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Linda Hill
But by prioritizing yourself, focusing on your own emotional needs, and addressing your true feelings, you can put an end to your obsessive thoughts.
You may feel that you would rather stay with a person, regardless of how harmful they may be for you, than to feel like you are all alone and abandoned in this world.
If you suffer from this fear, it can be extremely difficult to maintain healthy relationships in your life. You might find yourself isolating in order to avoid getting hurt, or you might sabotage relationships subconsciously as a way to prove your fears right. This type of behavior becomes self-reinforcing over time, and you may repeat similar patterns within one relationship, or within many throughout your life.
address your emotional needs in a more positive way,
you’ve pushed a partner away on purpose, knowing they will leave, so you are not hurt later on by the potential of them leaving you.
disorganized attachment, in which the individual wants to be loved and close to someone else, yet they are terrified to do so.
You might even want to leave your partner on some level and wonder if you would be happier alone, but still, that fear of being by yourself is more powerful. This can lead to resentment and unhappiness as you stay in toxic environments that have negative long-term effects on your health.
Because of a constant fear of being abandoned, you might seek reassurance
ask for guarantees from them.
This can become cyclical, as you need reassurance from your partner but you don’t trust them.
Sensitivity to criticism Difficulty trusting other people Trouble making friends out of fear they won’t like you Getting attached too quickly
Working hard to please others Blaming yourself when the relationship fails Extreme measures to avoid rejection or separation
and a hypothetical example for how this could
If they are not attentive and receptive to your emotional needs, then you can still feel as if you are not even in a relationship.
she constantly asks him for reassurance. She asks things like: “Do you love me?” and “Are you going to stay with me forever?” He always answers yes, but she still feels uncertain and upset. Jesse has trouble expressing his emotions, and Alyssa is more open in the relationship.
Care & Discovery: Engaging in self-care is a great way to begin prioritizing yourself. Not only this, but it draws away from your fear of being abandoned by others, and it instead helps you to recognize that you can take care of yourself.
Journaling your feelings each day so that you can look back and identify potential patterns. Checking in with yourself when you feel strong emotions and asking yourself what could be the cause of them.
The emotional dependency on another person to validate your self-worth is trapping you in the relationship.
They may regularly try to reassure you that you are worthy, wanted, etc. Or, they may not do this, yet you still try to receive this validation from them.
You may be tuned into the needs of your partner so much so that it crosses boundaries, becoming controlling and enabling. Over time, you neglect your own needs and simply learn to focus on the other individual in your relationship, constantly worrying about them and wondering what they are doing. Your life revolves completely around someone else. This can be difficult to simply undo.
Socially, it is viewed as a positive attribute to help other people. Especially for women, being a caretaker is socially acceptable, as is putting their own needs last.
you must recognize that you are not the cause of all that goes wrong in your relationship.
Trauma Bond: an attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse (Resnick, 2021).
He defined trauma bonding as, “dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation.”
A trauma bond forms out of a need for basic human attachment. This is how you may become dependent on The Taker in the relationship, regardless of how bad they treat you.
But there is a complex, cyclical emotional situation at play.
if the victim does leave the abuser, they may experience negative emotions such as depression and anxiety. One study even stated that the impact of low self-esteem and traumatic feelings continued even six months after leaving the individual.
is this very cyclical positive reinforcement that can trap people in toxic relationships for years.
But you can! Know that you can always create a healthier life for yourself.
There will be tough days, and you will feel withdrawal-like symptoms due to the breaking of your trauma bond.
A breakup can also force you into being alone, and it can create a feeling of loneliness if you don't manage your alone time effectively. Even if you are the one to end the relationship, you still might be left with a feeling of rejection because you are no longer receiving the validation you may have been getting from the relationship. It can also feed into your self-esteem and fears that you will be alone forever.
Who do I want to be? Who do I look up to? Am I happy with where my life is right now? What are my strengths? What makes me happy in my current life? If I had plenty of money, what would I do each day?
Free writing without too much thought can also help you access your subconscious and discover what you truly want. Set a time for only a few minutes and just write what comes naturally to you. This may feel strange at first, but it will come naturally when you repeat this.
Try doing the following to listen to your intuition: Be in nature. Question everything. Listen to your body.
A codependent relationship keeps you trapped in a negative mindset and makes you sacrifice your own passions. It will take small, consistent steps for you to get back to your passions.
re-discover yourself outside of codependency.
After a breakup, it’s easy to only remember the good times. This happens for many reasons: You are afraid to move on, so your subconscious mind keeps you trapped in the old relationship. You are still addicted to the codependent dynamic. Humans are naturally nostalgic.
It can be useful to write down all of the negative aspects of your relationship. While we don’t want to constantly harp on the negative in life, after a codependent relationship ends, it is absolutely critical to stay realistic about the toxicity of the situation. You can refer back to this list when you find yourself romanticizing the relationship.
You should not be controlled by anyone else, and you cannot control the actions of other people.
Look to control your own actions, take responsibility for the healthy/unhealthy behaviors you engage in, and allow others to worry about themselves.
Increasing your self-worth will make you happier and boost your overall confidence.
Don’t immediately look for a new relationship, especially a romantic one. Many codependents do this and only end up repeating the same patterns over again. They look for happiness and validation in someone new. But this does not give you the time needed to heal and focus on yourself. We will always repeat the patterns that we don’t repair.
trust in the relationship because The Taker may not be there for you, and you are unsure whether or not you can truly count on them.
True love doesn’t need to be asked to give anything back in return. It happens naturally, as both partners are comfortable giving and taking equally.
The way a couple argues can say a lot about their future. Even if you have found someone who treats you well and who you truly believe you love, there will still be conflicts along the way! This is a natural part of relationships. Instead of hiding when you are upset, a healthy relationship requires both partners to express these emotions and to work together to resolve the issues causing them. In your codependent dynamic, your feelings may have been put down or ignored. This is not a sign of love. True, healthy love will hear you and then work with you to find a solution.
You are worthy and strong! You have been through difficult times, but you have made it out and are working to become an even stronger, healthier individual. This strength will always be with you, whether you are with someone or by yourself.
it’s important to not jump into a new relationship right after leaving a codependent relationship. This is because you might not be ready emotionally, and you want to ensure you give yourself the time to heal from the dynamic, and the time to heal your attachment style so you don’t repeat similar patterns.
Many codependents stay in a relationship, even when it becomes toxic, simply because they don’t want to be alone.
prioritizing yourself. This is a strange and difficult feeling for many codependents because they actually feel more comfortable caring for other people. This may give them a strong sense of worth and validation,
Do you feel that you focus on your physical and mental health? Being in a codependent dynamic can make this nearly impossible,
