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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Linda Hill
Therefore, they often apologize just to diffuse a situation. This can lead to bad relationship patterns in which they tend to attract romantic partners who do not take any accountability for their actions because they know the codependent will apologize
Minimizing Own Need/Desires: Often, a codependent will put down their own desires or goals in order to prioritize those of the other individual in the relationship.
If a codependent does do something for themselves, they will feel a sense of guilt as if they have done something wrong.
The Taker in the relationship gets put on a pedestal, even though they do not deserve this!
Because the codependent is so busy pleasing other people, they have no time to simply relax or engage in activities they truly care for. This contributes to low self-esteem as the codependent cannot nurture the things they enjoy and love about themselves.
Is there a particular relationship/relationships in your life that make you unhappy?
Did you ever take off work due to a relationship in your life?
Has a specific relationship in your life led you to forsake your goals or dreams?
Do you care more for other people than for yourself?
Have you ever lost sleep at night because of problems within a relationship?
Do you ever give up an argument just to keep the peace?
Have you ever put aside something, such as a new career or growth opportunity, in order to care for the other person in a relationship? Do you find yourself obsessing over what will make other people happy?
you are severely codependent. Regardless of the number of questions
The ability to have and state your own desires/needs. Asking for support when needed. Feeling safe enough to express these needs. Telling others when they ask too much of you.
Being mindful can simply mean taking a few moments to yourself each day to take a few deep breaths and check in with yourself with some questions such as: What am I doing today to work toward my goal? What is hindering my success? What is working for me? These questions do not have to center around your goals either, but they can be more about your current state, such as: What emotions am I feeling right now? What in my life is contributing to this?
Codependency is an enmeshed relationship in which one person loses their sense of independence and believes they must tend to someone else.
In a dependent relationship, both individuals still have a strong sense of self and personal identity, whereas codependents tend to lose themselves completely for the sake of the relationship.
Mark is taking up all of Angela’s time, and he is not giving her the same respect that she gives him.
Many codependents would rather the other people in the relationship be happy while they compromise.
This can manifest as a free-floating anxiety in which you always feel as if something bad is about to happen. Many codependents feel this way. They cannot identify exactly what they feel is wrong, but they simply have constant anxiety in their daily lives.
Our parents are the first relationships we have, and if they belittled you or shamed you in any way, you may have been unable to cultivate a strong sense of self-esteem. You may have gone on to accept less in relationships going forward, letting romantic partners or friends talk down to you because you believe that is all you deserve.
When children from chaotic households grow older, they may try to create the opposite environment. They control everything about their life obsessively.
Whenever we cater to the needs or the reality of someone else above our own, we are becoming codependent. After such events, it is possible you may continue to be attracted to people who affirm your sense of being a victim or who paint themselves as victims, and you as their caregiver.
Do you feel a sense of safety in your current relationship?
In order to break free of this codependent relationship, you need to learn how to prioritize yourself instead of your partner or the relationship.
your caretaking toward your partner may be something you can direct toward yourself instead,
How much time do you have to just relax alone, and do nothing at all? Do you feel rushed and stressed out all the time?
Allow yourself to recognize the importance of self-care and tell yourself that you can engage in what you need and the activities that make you happy.
it is not your responsibility to fix other people’s problems.
Often, people will try to violate your boundaries, and they may not even realize they are doing so! If we aren’t clear about our own boundaries, then we can’t possibly be clear with other people about what our boundaries are.
need for space, your specific comfort levels regarding physical touch, and even your need for more basic things like rest and nutrition. You have the right to tell others when you need space and to say “no” to activities when your body needs to rest.
I am not in a place to talk about this right now. Can we try another time?”
As a Giver, you likely feel that your time is being drained. You may sacrifice your own time in order to do what The Taker would like to do. Healthy time boundaries are about understanding your own priorities and making the time for them. Examples include: “I can come to the event, but only for two hours.”
This type of boundary refers to your thoughts and ideas. Healthy mental boundaries include respect for the thoughts of others. This means that your ideas should not be shut down or belittled. If they are, your boundary is being crossed. This type of boundary also includes the ability to consider whether or not it’s the right time for a discussion. Examples include: “It hurts me when you put down my ideas.” “I think we should avoid this topic for now. Let’s talk about it another time.” “I respect that we have different opinions on this topic.”
Giver may actually feel guilty for taking care of their own needs. The Taker may contribute to this by actively
Regardless of their reason for reacting negatively, it is an indication of a toxic dynamic if they do so.
someone cannot respect your boundaries and needs, then they are not a positive individual to have in your life.
Setting boundaries within your codependent relationship is an amazing step! You should feel good that you are learning how to do so and creating a blueprint for your own success.
This will require that you continuously self-reflect on your current boundary situation and ask yourself the tough questions. Do I feel respected? Am I being heard within my relationship? Do I feel drained after interactions?
be consistent. Once a boundary is set, it has to be set continuously.
They are one of the most essential forms of self-care.
at play within these lonely dynamics is self-loathing. Both The Giver and Taker can suffer from this feeling, and this is what can make the relationship so exhausting for both individuals involved. If we do not like who we are as a person, then we might take everything someone else says as either validation or rejection.
The Giver often sacrifices these aspects of their health in order to take care of The Taker and foster the relationship, ensuring it is okay at all times.
While alone, you want to begin working on your coping skills.
Many codependents become consumed by an obsessive love. When they don’t feel that they are receiving reciprocation or reassurance, they can feel rejected. Have you ever felt rejected by your partner because they didn’t respond quickly enough or because you assumed they no longer cared for you? This might be a direct result of an anxious attachment style, and it can actually push your partner away.
You may struggle to grow as an independent person because you are too focused on someone else, and this can lead to a deep feeling of unhappiness. It can also stress your partner, creating unhappiness for them as well. Its effects can be even worse, damaging your emotional well-being, preventing you from forming healthy attachments to other people, and affecting your career. Long-term, your obsession could carry on to other relationships and cause you to repeat similar patterns.
When we are too obsessed with someone else, we are not putting our needs and wants first.
healthier coping behaviors.
Tell trusted friends and family what you are going through! This can build a strong support system
It’s likely become a habit for you to think this way toward your relationship,
