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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Linda Hill
Under no circumstances should you tolerate being abused or disrespected by your child and tell them so.
Be sure to practice self-care (which we discuss in more detail in a later chapter) and surround yourself with loving, caring, and supportive people. Most of all, never give up hope. Don’t let a day go by without reminding your child how much you love them.
The mind games you were put through can make you doubt your own sanity. In order for recovery to begin, you need to find ways to trust yourself again.
The strength and courage it took to remove yourself from that level of abuse is powerful, and not a move that many others in the same situation are able to do. The closure you’re looking for can be drawn from that, as well as knowing that you ended a highly toxic relationship by your own devices and creating a better self. That’s something the narcissist can’t take away from you.
learn low-contact strategies.
Adjust your thinking from, “They want me to ____,” or “If I don’t ____ I’ll pay for it,” to “I need to ____ for me.” It will be difficult initially to put yourself first, but that’s what self-care is.
A narcissist doesn't break your heart, they break your spirit. That's why it takes so long to heal. –Anonymous
“How am I supposed to rebuild the person that I was before meeting my narcissistic abuser, when I don’t remember that person anymore?”
The person you were before your abuser came into your life was always there. They were merely pushed aside and ignored while you tended to the narcissist’s needs.
your inner self wants their voice heard again.
it is possible to rebuild that person you were.
Dealing with anxiety. When the victim first gets away from their narcissist abuser, an outsider might think, “Well, there you go! The hardest part is over with!” Not true. The difficult part initially is having nothing else to tune out the chaos. Think about it: There has been someone constantly on you, putting you down, making you question everything you do, criticizing you, and eliciting debilitating anxiety. With only you to focus on—after not being a consideration for so long—it can be hard to adjust to. In fact, it can actually increase anxiety. This is when reaching out to support groups
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The narcissist did and said terrible things that would result in everything always being your fault. They did this so often and so intensely that you absorbed that undeserved accountability into your soul.
Specifically, social networks offer the healing properties we lacked while with a person who had no connection to such behaviors and emotions, such as being cared for and about, and valued for who we are.
expectation of “pay back”. You need it, and they
There will be those you thought would be there, but aren’t. There are those who would be there, but may be going through their own
You may be wondering, though: How are you supposed to reach out, to whom, and where? Then there are the residual effects of being in a highly abusive relationship that have impaired your trust in others, and yourself.
They keep their power close. After having it taken from you in your toxic relationship, this is an important one to remember. Mentally tough people learn not to allow negative people to steal their power,
it’s healthy to take logical, calculated risks to better themselves.
You achieved tremendous success by making the decision to remove yourself from your abuser. That’s something to be proud of and it’s your success.
coming out of an abusive relationship can leave you feeling rather pessimistic about life.
severing the narcissist relationship cycle.
strengthen the inner self in order to inspire you not to allow another person to drain it again.
Quite frankly, never give at your own expense.
Are you highly sensitive to other people’s feelings? This is empathy which, as discussed earlier, is a phenomenal trait. But narcissists seek this trait out in their partners and enjoy taking full advantage of their emotional generosity. Those
They expect you to make them and their needs a priority, so denying or ignoring your own needs for theirs gives them exactly what they expect: A partner who has no emotional needs, who can exclusively focus on them.
A narcissist can’t fake something they neither understand nor connect with, so specify your values and morals, then try getting them to open up about theirs.
A person who wants to be with you would respect you for who you are and how you choose to be, and support you in those endeavors.
Teach yourself how to relax again. A narcissistic partner has you feeling on edge, waiting for their beck and call, and dealing with their high wants and needs. Keeping the body in this state constantly is extremely unhealthy.
sit still and become more aware of that demand rolling around in your head, then see yourself pulling away from it,
See your past as being behind a glass wall.
it should be behind you.
When you think about it, the narcissist wasn’t feeding on your weaknesses, but on your strengths of empathy, kindness, and caring nature.
making the ability to pinpoint the exact traits of a gaslighter without incredibly good personal intuition or training, incredibly difficult. Allowing a gaslighter into your life is not a sign that you are non-perceptive, weak, or anything of the kind. It simply means that they were too sneaky for you to notice, you were too kind and permissive for too long, or those little inklings in your gut of “something is wrong,” were not strong enough to cause you to leave sooner. What matters is that you are seeking help now.
Over long periods of time, the discomfort zone can actually grow into a form of ‘comfort’ to people, because their brains have become so adept at handling those types of scenarios, the lack of those feelings would feel unnatural and uncomfortable (Penn State, 2019).
Journaling will be a key component in helping you regain your sense of narrative again, if you have or are being gaslighted. Additionally, journaling throughout this process will help you gain new insights, perspectives, as well as give you good things to talk about with your safe person or a therapist.
a type of emotional abuse where the victim/abusee has their sense of narrative confused to the point where they are unable to make clear, concise judgments about the reality of their situation or even life. The end result is that the victim begins to feel unsure about themselves and their ability to understand the world around them;
What that breaks down too is that gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the gaslighter will use belittling and demeaning techniques to cause their victim to doubt their ability to understand, question, or make concise judgments or actions towards their own situations.
this fight subtly continued over several days. Try to see if you notice that pattern.
Together, with her partner, Amy decided that her feelings were not valid and did not need to be acknowledged.
Anytime someone's needs are explicitly not being met, or pushed back onto the person who has stated them, something is wrong and they are most likely being gaslighted.
Someone’s feelings are always valid, because they are feeling them
There are plenty of people who are able to healthily express their frustration, anger, fear, or concern, in ways that are not harmful to the person they have those emotions towards.
her partner deliberately talked her back into an unhealthy relationship, and helped convince Amy that her needs—which to date have not been met—were unnecessary.
Never, in any relationship, should the other person make your needs unnecessary. They might not be met in that moment (e.g. you want time off and your boss says no because you have no more that month), but your needs need to be acknowledged.
Gaslighting only works if they are in a position to take all power and authority away from you; and this could be in various forms such as: personally, professionally, romantically, financially, etc. (Gaslighting | Psychology Today Canada, n.d.). No matter what life avenue they use, a gaslighter will always ensure that you think less of yourself, more of them, and rely way too much on their input into your life.
However, if you ask them simple questions like: how do I look? What do you like about me? etc., and you are not happy with yourself, something is most likely wrong.
Recognizing that you have gone through weeks, months, perhaps even years, of trauma to simply hear that they wanted ‘power’, or they were a pathological liar, or narcissist,
Unless you somehow have gotten into a relationship with a psychopath or sociopath, there will be no greater master plan that centers around you. There will be no elaborate ruse. There will simply be one answer, one character-based answer that most likely stems from their own trauma, character, culture, or background.
But just because you took an action of good faith in humanity does not justify what has happened to you. That in no way, means that you deserve this. Ever.
