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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Linda Hill
Second, the people who use gaslighting on others are often hurting themselves, and this could be due to a myriad of reasons like: They are narcissists, pathological liars, want power over anyone and everyone, or they themselves are hurting and this is all they know.
On top of that, there are a small number of instances where what appears to be gaslighting could merely be poor communication and lack of boundaries.
It is not your fault, you did not ask for this, and in no way shape or form, did you ever deserve it.
Over time, this will begin to create the dynamic where the victim will actually begin to lean on the abuser, as the abuser’s narrative has slowly become the accepted and non-challenged one.
Most people who are abusers do so from a place of hurt or a psychological need for
Wearing Out the Victim Like with so many other forms of abuse, exhausting the victim is key in a gaslighting relationship. The victim needs to be so tired and confused about their own perceptions, that they will actually welcome the ‘knowledge’ or ‘stability’ the gaslighter will have come to represent to them over time.
a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another, often controlling or manipulative person
Broadly: dependent on the needs, or relying on the control, of another.
Gaslighters will never give their victims—or their audience—that chance. Their word will be law, and that is simply all there is to it.
look at your life and really ask yourself how much freedom—and confidence—you have in yourself and the situation, to make any type of decision you want.
gaslighting is a long-term and stealthy form of abuse that
the main facet of gaslighting is getting the victim to no longer trust their intuition, it is very probable that the victims are more likely blaming themselves or outside reasons for why that relationship is the way it is.
you need to know that long-term victims of gaslighting could develop feelings of depression, addiction, or even suicide (Gordon, 2022).
First, there is a chance that the gaslighter is doing all of this harm unintentionally, as painful as that may sound. They may be simply following patterns of behavior that they have seen exhibited throughout their own life,
so subtle at it that very few people feel that something is wrong, including the victim;
By constantly bringing up your flaws, and never mentioning their own, your partner is actually beginning to create a discrepancy between the two of you
cautious means that you are afraid to set-off your partner, disrupt the pattern, or even be a nuisance through normal human functions, like telling them you are hungry and want to eat dinner sooner than you had discussed.
is if you do not feel safe enough to express yourself fully and freely. No, that does not mean using unfiltered words or statements. What that means is being able to clearly and concisely: disagree with your partner, stand up to your partner, correct your partner, or state your needs/longings/dreams/problems/questions, to your partner (Ni, 2013). A healthy partner—even if they are a bad communicator or lack/are bad at boundaries—will listen to you if you say that you feel scared to express certain things in the relationship. That discussion could even act as a wake-up call for you both to
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it is never okay for you to change yourself to want someone else’s love, approval, or affection.
Gaslighter friends are arguably just as dangerous as significant others
often in these scenarios the gaslighters are continuing systemic problems they themselves had undergone.
you are an adult who is just coming to realize that your sibling relationships are full of gaslighting instances, similar to the above parental situation, you have three options: you can either confront, confront with help, or get therapy on your own and ignore the relationship.
In fact, ‘jk’ jokes are sometimes the bread and butter of professional gaslighters, because it gives the signal to others that whatever belittling, mean, hurtful, or incredibly cruel sarcasm they have just used, was all under the guise of a ‘joke’. But was it actually a joke? In the use of a gaslighter—no, it was not.
In fact, negative humor and sarcasm is a powerful tool that gaslighters use in the professional space to enforce a gaslighters main tactic: to belittle and
Fifth, end the relationship (Gordon, 2022). This applies to any form of gaslighting, including professional or familial relationships. At the end of the day, gaslighting is a form of abuse, and any relationship that perpetuates abuse is not one that you should stay in. Even if it is your significant other, parents, or boss.
Like with any type of trauma, your emotions, sense of self, and honestly—just your entire being—need to rest and find ways to begin living again.
Truthfully, this step is probably going to be the longest and hardest, because your gaslighter had become a big portion of your life, and you are intrinsically cutting off a part of your life that you had been reliant on for probably a decent amount of time—even if that part of your life was toxic.
become attentive to what you need in the present to maintain your new-found sense of ‘self’. You need to prioritize self care, your emotions, and being able to admit that you have made mistakes.
Facing what you are feeling is like pulling a thorn from your hand, or mending a broken bone. It is going to hurt. There is no sugar coating it, but over time, as you become accustomed to facing your feelings, your feelings of being overwhelmed will lessen, and you may learn that you actually do not want to avoid your feelings anymore.
Remember: One of the ways gaslighters are able to work is by being with you daily and subconsciously wearing down your inhibitions so that they are able to make their moves.
when it comes to any form of abuse, it is important to help yourself before you help others—helping
Begin to wonder about things like: Where do I really want to live? What do I want to do? What does my ideal life look like in terms of: friends, hobbies, pets, etc. Now is the time for you to live the life you have wanted. Without your gaslighter, the world is truly your oyster.
You are only human, and it is okay for you to make mistakes. Yes, it sucks that the mistake
But not everyone that is in this world is scary. In order to create a new normal, to figure out how to build healthy relationships, and honestly, how to get over your gaslighting trauma, you are going to have to begin to acknowledge that not everyone in this world is scary, and some people will be worth meeting.
your fear of creating new bonds with new humans—while totally understandable—are not entirely rational. Mankind was meant to crave and be in a community. Please do not let your gaslighter rob you of that.
It is hard for them to let go, which leads them to become trapped in often toxic and harmful situations.
The way to overcome codependency is through a strong set of boundaries, and prioritizing yourself!
You deserve a life in which you are allowed to put yourself first!
become a habit, and habits take time to both formulate and break. So be kind to yourself during this journey!
your own happiness and needs at the forefront of your life.
an enmeshed relationship in which one person loses their sense of independence and believes they must tend to someone else (Raypole, 2021). It is a common misconception
Codependents, or Givers, often attract people who will take advantage of this personality trait, and this is how they can end up in toxic relationships.
The Giver in a codependent relationship will do anything they can to please the other person. You may notice that the more you do, the more you must continue to do!
A loss of self can make it more difficult to see where you end and your partner begins. This is a primary component to blurred boundaries, and is something The Taker may take advantage of within your relationship.
Grandiosity Vulnerability Perfectionism These traits are very similar
Narcissists tend to use projection when they try to blame or guilt another person. They may accuse you of doing the very thing they are doing.
Often, when we are in a toxic relationship, we are unable to see it from an outside perspective.
the dynamic is unhealthy, and they are taking advantage of your willingness to please them.
often base their entire self-worth on the opinions of other people, specifically their partner.
Codependents take the blame, even when it isn’t possibly their fault.
