More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Linda Hill
Although it sounds very nihilistic, if you experience trauma, your trust has been broken on some level.
if you have C-PTSD, you are more likely than not to have problems growing attached to anyone, or if you do form a bond with someone, that person may not be as good for you as it seems.
Healthy, consistent behaviors are a part of what you deserve and how you should be treated.
you may have found, early on, that you cannot trust anyone to take care of your needs and safety.
You may believe that relationships are not a place to ask for what you need and may unintentionally seek out people who prove your theory time and time again.
Your parents could have been dealing with anxiety or issues of their own and were not available to you consistently.
As an adult, you may require constant reassurance and responsiveness
If your partner or friends are gone, your anxiety may skyrocket[22].
You worked with what you had.
Did you often feel your feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc., didn’t matter?
The consequences of attachment trauma can affect social development or spawn serious mental illnesses[24].
If you avoid topics or events that create a similar sense of anxiety when faced with it, even in relationships, your mode of dealing will be considered “flight.” If your mind goes blank and you have no sense of what to do or say when faced with these issues, your mode of physical trauma can be considered “freeze.”
● I am afraid that no one loves me. ● I always feel alone.
I worry I am in a codependent relationship. ● I often feel humiliated by the things I say, do, or how I behave. ● I tend to feel guilty about things I know I can’t control. ● I have intense reactions to stressful situations. ● I don’t feel like I can handle stressful situations. ● I feel constant shame.
worry I will do something to make my friends, family, or romantic partner abandon me.
I don’t feel like I can do anything. ● I don’t feel as though I am successful, even if I have a high-status position. ● I worry about making mistakes. ● I am frequently hyperfocused on others to see reactions. ● I am in a constant state of hyperarousal. ● I always look for ways that things can fall apart so I can be prepared for disappointment. ● My needs don’t matter in a relationship. I will put my partner, friends, or family’s needs above mine. ● I often feel depressed. ● There doesn’t seem to be anything good to look forward to. ● I always have some
...more
finding good friends, creating boundaries, and getting a strong romantic partner won’t happen overnight.
spending some time getting to know who you are, what you want, and where you want to be
Think about where you could be, who you could be with, what you could be doing if you hadn’t self-sabotaged. Catch yourself when you make an excuse as to why you’ve not completed or even tried to accomplish a goal.
What patterns do you see playing out?
Where do you see your biggest fears?
Where does your anxiety come from?
What actions have you taken that only seem as though you’ve hurt someone but aren’t really that big of a deal?
What opportunities have you lost?
If I make a mistake, I can learn something about myself in the process. ● I want to live my life as my best self.
I want to participate in things that matter to me.
The point is that you’re going to pick yourself up every time you recognize you are doing it and continue to move forward on your road to recovery.
Find a place or person that can give you strength. You can list people you trust, find a support group, or look for a therapist. Any person needs connection and support, but when you’re finding a way to heal from attachment trauma, you’ll need a centerpiece of calmness to help you weather the storm in your head. Don’t
when you’re going through this emotional upheaval, relying on a partner for this solidarity might have serious repercussions on both of you.
Ask yourself what relationships you have that give you that feeling of security right now. What about this person or place helps you feel strong? What are the traits that allow you to feel like these are the healthy ones you’d like to follow?
Consider Doing Body Work. Studies have found that people with PTSD and other attachment disorders find a lot of benefits in practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is the state of being in the present and aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions[28].
thoughts from your emotions. It guides you to understand that your thoughts cannot harm you, and if you look at them as though they are floating over your brain, like a cloud in the sky, they are easier to challenge and let go of when they are not useful[29]
The important part of Mindfulness is that you are learning to become fully aware of how your body reacts and how your mind works.
Chances are, if someone, even a therapist, says something that makes you cry, gets angry, or invokes any type of emotion, it means that they hit a nerve, and that nerve is attached to some part of your C-PTSD or attachment style.
You may have moments when you are just plain unhappy and may feel like you’ll never get through the pain, but you will. Look for small signs that you are healing, and know that when your past becomes more like information and less like an inflamed emotion, you have already taken a huge step.
This bond was created through a mixed bag of positive reinforcement and abuse.
trauma bonding is a] dysfunctional attachment that occurs in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation.”
your brain starts to react as though you are always in danger.
it is more likely to happen when your abuser waxes and wanes between love and abuse.
You don’t feel as though you’re able to leave the abusive relationship. ● You believe that the abuse is somehow your fault. You are not
No matter the bond, abuse isn’t a replacement for love.
Where do you lack the most control now (For example, overeating, undereating, hypersexuality, stealing, emotional numbness, etc.)?
Where do you feel that you lose the most control?
(called relational healing), you’ll reverse the damage created by working in an attuned, supportive, and safe environment with reparative experiences[38]. This can happen with your therapist, a trusted friend, or a romantic partner with whom you have a strong foundation.
When the recording of your trauma plays and replays, chances are it tells you some lie about how you are unlovable, unlikeable, incapable, etc. When humans don't like or care about themselves, they do not try to function at a higher level.
When humans don't like or care about themselves, they do not try to function at a higher level.
The important thing to remember through all the treatment work is that you deserve to be happy.
jump into the pool of acceptance.
You may love your mom, but that doesn’t mean she took good care of you. It also doesn’t mean that you were given the life you deserved.
How can your caretaker forget to feed you?
