A Daddy for the Chubby Omega (Daddies for Dumpster Omegas, #1)

by Anna Wineheart

approached Otto to ask if he could write a short note telling their son to commit more hours to the gym. Their son had been a huge fan of his astrophysics videos, except they’d said he was fat and lazy.

wait, so his parents knew the internet personality he was obsessed with lived in the same town... and it wasn't significant? the protagonist doesn't really talk about that either? it's just not a surprise to anyone? is this world literally just the fever dream of an anxious fatty, or is it smaller than a thimble?

Otto hit the button to power down Caulin’s bike, his hands shaking with rage. “No.” Del gasped. “Why did you stop the bike? He needs more exercise—” “No, he fucking doesn’t,” Otto growled,

everyone needs a little exercise and this dude can barely climb the front steps of the college without collapsing. you can't fight fatphobia by plugging your ears and saying, "nuh uh"

Shock crossed their faces. “But you understand the importance of exercise,” Pierce said. “You, of all people, have been to the gym—”

aliens written by an alien

“You’re old enough to be his father,” Pierce said. “But I’m not his father. And I don’t want that role. I just want him to be happy.”

you don't want that role? I hate to break it to you man, but that's the book

“You—You—You’re sleeping with him?” Del’s voice went high. “What I do with him is none of your damn business.

but his prostate is your group chat's business???

he traced the scent gland on his wrist down Caulin’s cheek, trying to show how much he wanted this omega.

why does he keep rubbing it all over this dude's fucking head bro. this is exactly the type of shit you act out if you can't picture it well so you don't write things like a guy rubbing his wrists on someone's face and over their hair as, like. sexy and romantic.

“Mine,” Otto growled. “Professor,” Caulin squeaked. “I have a name. Use it.” Caulin’s flush grew deeper. “O-Otto.” That made Caulin feel absolutely like his. “Good boy.”

it's like there's a checklist for every conversation, and we can't move on to the next in the assembly line until we've ticked all the boxes

“I assume you’re not ready for me to see you naked,” Otto murmured. “Oh, gods.” Caulin shook his head fervently.

you have???? he was nude when you slapped him right on the booty hole. and that was a day before you boinked. "sex first, intimacy later" can be written very sweetly, but not this one. not this one.

“What if I shower with you with my eyes closed?”

you stuffed kleenex behind his balls like on your second or third meeting

“I—I guess I don’t mind. But I usually shower in the dark.”

by........ yourself?

He wasn’t brave like Emmy. He wasn’t in his late twenties like Landon, and he didn’t own anything of note, not like Murphy did.

being in your late twenties and consumerism is goals i guess.

But Jones didn’t stop with the kisses. He dropped more down Caulin’s face, searching out his mouth. When he found it,

I'm just being petty but like, the people in this book are so dirt-stupid you could read this like he actually had to find it

“I’m—I’m going into heat tomorrow,” Caulin blurted. Because alphas liked that sort of thing. Because omegas in heat weren’t satisfied until they had a big cock coming inside them.

so that's just a fact? What about alphas that don't have dicks?

“I can—I can postpone the—the observatory visit.” “No! No, I can take a suppressant.”

omg. we're not going on a science date while we're in heat. where are the actual adults in this world. I was gonna end on that petty note but actually, this is so egregious. it's one thing to realize you're starting your heat when you're already on the trip, because you're already there, you're committed to your environment, and now you're stranded. it's one thing to kind of start feeling heat symptoms before you go and mistake them for nerves/butterflies/etc as a bit of audience foreshadowing. but for grown men to decide PREEMPTIVELY to go out and about when one of them will be going into heat is just stunningly appalling behavior

He straightened Caulin up, reached under his ass, and scooped him off his feet. Caulin yelped and flailed.

what kind of dumb fucking idiot flails around when he's being moved around naked in the shower? whoa, is this a slippery, precarious situation? let me just throw myself around as hard as possible. infant desperate to lunge out of its mother's arms and kiss the ground with its soft head type shit

Caulin shuddered and came again, his balls writhing,

okay, I'm gonna go read something good for a while before I shoot myself in the head

Oh. Not a bonding mark. Caulin was glad the darkness hid his disappointment.

WAIT. So you ARE showering in the dark????????

“Emmy, you did not.” “I told you I found the perfect dress!” Emmy hurried back with the most blinding smile, dumping that pile of fabric onto Caulin’s lap. “And I bought it!”

you children eat fish from dumpsters. but you bought a wedding dress for your unpleasant friend and the dude who just learned his name this week? the logistics of the whole thing is also essentially impossible. i don't think the author has spent a single day on planet earth

“See, he likes it. You can wear it later tonight.” “I am not! It’s a public place! And he might’ve invited everyone else along!”

howwwwwwwww are these the reasons not to wear a wedding dress to your first date.

“He never even said we’re dating or anything.”

he fucked you a bunch, did all that alpha "mine" shit, offered to put a claim bite on you, and asked you to move in. but sure. whatever. go back to huffing glue or whatever you two braindead lunatics do for fun outside of a dumpster

“I only tried it on because Emmy spent all his rent money on it.”

I hate to be a buzzkill but the cost of a tailored wedding dress with a rush delivery of just a couple days is shit-yourself-to-death money, not really something you could cover with half the cost of a single room in a house share.

“Because you’re—” Caulin’s face burned, all over again. “Because I’m...?” Jones prompted, ever the professor.

is it a well-known professoral trait to want to hear the end of a sentence?

“Oh, gods. It’s really a date,” Caulin squeaked. With him! Jones laughed. “I brought cookies, and also some sandwiches and drinks if you happen to get hungry at any point.”

you packed him a diaper bag. smart

I prefer staying on Earth and sampling all the cookies here. They don’t have very good snacks in space.” It was so surprising that Caulin laughed. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you laugh,” Jones murmured.

well he's fat, so he only likes food humor

Alphas only went into a rut when an omega they cared about was in heat.

when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much etc

Caulin throbbed for his alpha, his teeth aching, his pulse beating between his thighs.

roll it back. what was that about the teeth?

Caulin swallowed, trying to think past the need to reach over and maybe touch Jones between his legs. What would he feel like? Was he half-hard? He definitely had a bulge going on inside his pants,

👎

Jones hummed. “I’ll assume you’re asking if I’ve had sex with anyone under the stars—” Caulin blushed hotly “—the answer is no. I’ve never had an omega who stuck around long enough to suggest that.”

you only fucked TWO PEOPLE, and badly enough that they had to tell people about it, before you decided to be celibate for life. that is no one's fault but yours.

it was Caulin’s turn to feel both sad and happy. Sad because he didn’t understand why omegas would turn Jones down, but happy because he could be Jones’ first for something.

rest assured, this guy wakes up every day like it's his first. also, omegas turn him down because he fucks terrible-style.

“Oh, no.” “What is it?” “I, um.” Caulin’s hole fluttered. “I got some stuff on your car.”

🫢

“M-my... my... my h-hole.” Caulin covered his face, pressing himself against the seat in an attempt to disappear into it. He still couldn’t talk about those parts with Jones.

why not? he can put all manner of nonsense inside the same things you can't say?

“Please,” Caulin tried to say around him, the heat in his body swelling into an inferno.

this guy only says one thing with a wiener in his neck, and it would still be impossible to fathom. begging the author to cram a cucumber down their gullet and try saying "please" before trying to sell us on it

He said nothing. Just scooped Caulin out of the car, bringing him to some thick blankets spread out on the grass.

as a follow up to my last note, I want the author to try and "scoop" an average ten-year-old child out of a car before telling me this dude can simply Just Do It with an adult. according to this book, the single-most fat adult on earth. toddlers can be a struggle to carry out of a car, less because of weight, and more because of the logistics of hauling a human body and all its limbs out of a crammed, rigid space. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it would neither be smooth, easy, or sexy in the slightest. be so for real.

“This feels sinful,” Jones whispered

according to which of the gods, plural? the ones that you tumblrinas keep mentioning but are never once discussed?

Jones released him. And the lights went out, throwing them into darkness. “No!” Caulin panted. “Down. Try to sit down.” Jones held firmly onto Caulin’s arm, though, reassuring him that he was there.

literally the object permanence of a newborn

What came out of his mouth was, “You shoot the best milky comets from your body.”

🙊

“Oh, gods. Oh, no.” He cringed, grateful that at least Jones couldn’t see him in the dark. “My life is just a series of embarrassments.”

true.

“I find it endearing.” “You...” Caulin’s heart fluttered again. “None of this is cute. No one thinks I’m cute.”

also true

“I’m knotted with you, aren’t I?” Jones began rubbing his wrists all over Caulin’s body,

Begging. pleading. on my knees. act this shit out before you write it. rub your wrists all over someone's head and body right now. it's actually impressive how you managed to write scent-marking in every possible way BUT romantic.

“I’ve slept with you on several occasions, Caulin. You make me hard.” “Why?” Caulin choked.

ohhhhh my GOD, AGAIN? STILL????????

“Have you asked your friends to write a list of what they like about you?”

could be sweet. could be. not in this book, though

“Remember the... the condom I was wearing?” “Yeah?” “It does not seem to be intact anymore.”

that's definitely how a human would say that. but I guess the joke's on me, because on the next page, that dumb motherfucker says...

“It does not... what?” Caulin mumbled, sounding confused.

... this. As though he wasn't just given the most robotic, plain, simple, straightforward explanation of events. all of these people need caregivers.

“Fuck.” Otto gulped and scrubbed his face. How easily did omegas get pregnant when they were in heat?

classically, the easiest. you dull motherfucker. you stupid piece of shit.

“I feel so naked,” Caulin mumbled, hugging himself.

he is, in fact, naked, so.

Caulin fumbled his way into the shirt, its fabric hanging around his smaller body like drapes. “You look gorgeous,” Otto growled. “With my shirt, and without.”

this is the height of romance if you're too dumb to live

“I’m going to check you inside,” he murmured. “Hold the shirt tight around your waist. I’m out of hands.”

so he's checking to see where all his nut went and we're playing Dora the Explorer. is it in the condom? nooooo. is it on the blanket? noooo. where could the nut be? is it in this guy's asshole? let's take a closer look!

His opening looked completely ruined,

😶

“I’m going to see if there’s anything in there,” Otto murmured. “You can look at the blanket under you, if you’d like to watch.”

swiper no swiping etc

A lot of it was clear, but a lot of it was also pearly-white.

re: cum, and the most descriptive text you can expect to find in this masterpiece