Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

Notice What’s Happening

You do this by asking yourself three questions: What do I feel? What’s the story I’m telling (and inside that story, what’s the threat)? What’s the actual feedback?

Use a Feedback Containment Chart

Draw the Balancing Picture

Right-Size the Future Consequences

So when we think about the consequences of feedback, the goal is not to dismiss them or pretend they don’t matter. The goal is to right-size them, to develop a realistic and healthy sense of what might happen and respond in line with these reasonable possibilities.

Imagine You’re an Observer

Feedback packs an emotional punch because it’s about you.

Look Back from the Future

ACCEPT THAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL HOW OTHERS SEE YOU

The good news is that others aren’t actually spending as much time thinking about you as you might imagine.

Have Compassion for Them

So don’t dismiss others’ views of you, but don’t accept them wholesale either. Their views are input, not imprint.

How We Respond to Struggle Can Create Self-fulfilling Prophecies

Some feedback, of course, is straight evaluation, and it’s this that challenges our identity most directly.

It seems like this evaluation component has a consequence associated with the evaluation. It is not always like that.

it’s helpful to break evaluation itself down into three constituent parts:

assessment, consequences, and judgment.

Assessment ra...

Consequences are about the real-world outcomes that result from the assessment:

Judgment is the story givers and receivers tell about the assessment and its consequences.

Breaking it down also helps you focus on what you want to discuss with the feedback giver:

GIVE YOURSELF A “SECOND SCORE”

First, while the initial evaluation may not be fully within your control, your reaction to it usually is.

We’re suggesting that you make getting a good second score part of your identity:

Psychologists tell us that the most addictive reward pattern is called “intermittent reinforcement.”

They hate the hate, but it makes their need for the love even more intense.

it sounds like your feelings are not part of the equation, and what you need is not part of the relationship.

he isn’t noticing just how little his needs and feelings matter to her.

It’s fine to try to figure out whether the giver is too critical or you’re too sensitive, but if the other person isn’t listening to you and your feelings, the answer is beside the point.

The biggest mistake we make when trying to create boundaries is that we assume other people understand what’s going on with us.

but it will go a long way toward fixing his feedback problems.

Here’s the impact it has on me.

USE “AND”

Using “and” to describe our feelings isn’t just about word choice. It gets at a deeper truth about our thoughts and feelings:

When you share the complexity or confusion, you are adopting what we call the “And Stance.”

So when setting boundaries, be specific about three things:

The Request.

The Time Frame.

Their Assent.

DESCRIBE CONSEQUENCES

INQUIRE ABOUT, AND ACKNOWLEDGE, THE IMPACT ON THEM

COACH THEM TO DEAL WITH THE UNCHANGED YOU

PROBLEM SOLVE TOGETHER

assume that Steve isn’t going to change, and problem solve about how to minimize the aggravation to Mark.

The concept of keyframes is useful for talking about feedback conversations.

If you can identify the conversation keyframes, you can do your own ‘tweening.

MANAGING THE CONVERSATION

Listening includes asking clarifying questions,

Asserting is a mix of sharing, advocating, and expressing—in essence, talking.

process moves—hinges