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July 5, 2020 - January 23, 2021
problem solving turns to the question:
Now what?
LISTEN FOR WHAT’S RIGHT (AND WHY THEY SEE IT DIFFERENTLY)
When you’re triggered, your internal voice goes from mere assistant to armed bodyguard.
When Empathy Shuts Down
Even those of us who are generous listeners in other contexts may have trouble finding curiosity when we’re feeling triggered.
Listen with a Purpose
Find the Trigger Patterns
And Then Negotiate
Listening’s Second Purpose: To Let Them Know You Hear Them
You are listening to understand.
If understanding is purpose one, letting the giver know you understand (or, just as important, that you want to understand) is purpose two.
Surprisingly, interrupting periodically (to ensure that you understand the giver,
Our feelings leak out into our “questions”
Inquiry is determined by the intention of the speaker,
Sarcasm is always inconsistent with true inquiry
The big relationship assertion pitfall is switchtracking. You can avoid that by noticing that there are two topics, and giving each topic its own track.
When we’re off balance or overwhelmed, our assertions are more likely to tip into exaggeration.
BE YOUR OWN PROCESS REFEREE
These people sense precisely where they are in a conversation, including the stage they are in and the common challenges in that stage.
Dig for Underlying Interests
make a distinction that is crucial to problem solving: the difference between interests and positions.
Positions are what people say they wa...
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Interests are the underlying “needs, desires, fears, and concerns” that the stated po...
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Listening for the underlying interests gives you more room to maneuver.
Helping you. The giver sees ways you could improve and opportunities to accelerate your growth or learning curve.
Helping themselves and the relationship. The giver may be giving you feedback because they feel upset, lonely, angry, disappointed, or hurt by you.
Helping the organization/team/family/someone else. Sometimes feedback is motivated by helping or protecting someone, or something, beyond the two of you.
And to understand the real interests, you have to dig behind the stated positions and identify which bucket the interests fall into.
Closing with commitment can be as short as a sentence:
Action Plans: Who does what tomorrow?
Benchmarks and Consequences: How will progress be measured, and when?
Procedural Contracts: In addition to promises about the substance of what will change,
New Strategies: Whether at work or at home, the friction that produces feedback often reflects differences between us that aren’t going to go away.
LISTEN FOR THEMES
“What’s one thing I could change that would make a difference to you?”
When things are going well, feedback can feel threatening,
It’s threatening because it is asking us to let go of something that’s comfortable and predictable.
Try the feedback out, especially when the stakes are low and the potential upside is great.
Lowering the stakes often means reframing the question you are asking yourself when it comes to feedback.
“Should I go to yoga for the rest of my life?” the answer will always be no. If it’s “Should I try yoga for one morning and see what I think?” the costs drop dramatically.
much of our puzzling behavior when it comes to (failing to) keep our commitments to ourselves results from a kind of split personality we all possess.
He can increase the positive appeal of the desired change or increase the negative consequences of not changing.
Unpleasant things are less unpleasant when you have company.
he shifted his workout regimen from a self-improvement kick to a game.5
The truth is, at any time you are changing your habits or approach, or working on a new skill, you are likely to get worse before you get better.
When framing a request for feedback, talk in terms of effectiveness rather than ambition.
Your request for feedback should always be tied to doing your current job more effectively:
Workers who seek out negative feedback—coaching on what they can improve—tend to receive higher performance ratings.8
Perhaps showing an interest in learning doesn’t highlight what you have to learn. It highlights how good you are at learning it.
