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July 5, 2020 - January 23, 2021
People we rely on for support are often hesitant to share critical, honest feedback with us.
approximately 40 percent of variation in outcomes can be attributed to social signaling, behavior mostly occurring in our own blind spots.
Blind spots are amplified by: Emotional Math: We discount our emotions, while others count them double. Attribution: We attribute our failure to the situation, while others attribute it to our character. Impact-Intent Gap: We judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our impact on them. To see ourselves and our blind spots we need help from others.
We are often more triggered by the person giving us feedback than by the feedback
itself.
In fact, relationship triggers may be the most common derailers of fe...
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a switchtrack conversation.
key part of the dynamic here is that the person receiving the original feedback is unaware that they are changing the subject.
And once we disqualify the giver, we reject the substance of the feedback without a second thought. Based on the who, we discard the what.
New ideas often come from those without traditional credibility, who are freer to think outside the box precisely because they don’t know there is a box. History abounds with examples of battles won thanks to the insight of a junior corporal with a deft suggestion.
Sometimes we fear that the giver’s intentions are nefarious.
So treat trust and content as separate topics, because they are separate topics.
Don’t use the relationship trigger of trust to automatically disqualify the feedback.
“I’ve been telling you that for weeks. You ignore me but the minute some stranger says the same thing, you’re sold?”
The other surprisingly valuable players in the feedback game are the people you find most difficult.
They can’t help you with your sharpest edges because they don’t see those edges.
It’s here that we often have the most room to grow.
Want to fast-track your growth? Go directly to the people you have the hardest time with. Ask them what you’re doing that’s exacerbating the situation.
Among these there are three key relationship interests that commonly get snagged on the brambles of feedback: our needs for appreciation, autonomy, and acceptance.
One dynamic that contributes to the challenge is that the giver and receiver may define acceptance differently.
When we say, “accept me as I am,” are we really just asking for immunity from critique?
While we all need to feel accepted as we are, we also need to hear feedback—particularly when our behavior is affecting others.
GIVE EACH TOPIC ITS OWN TRACK Okay, you’ve spotted the two topics. Now what?
Signposting
The template for signposting is this: “I see two related but separate topics for us to discuss.
It requires us to step outside the conversation and look in on it.
It breaks the normal reactive conversation pattern by being hyper-explicit
First, an edge should be given to the original feedback.
But the second factor to take into account is emotion.
LISTEN FOR THE RELATIONSHIP ISSUES LURKING BENEATH THEIR “ADVICE”
We stay on the giver’s topic (their track), but we misunderstand what that topic is.
Our giver says he is giving us “friendly advice” to help us improve, when really he is raising a deeper relationship issue between us.
Is this about helping me grow and improve, or is this the giver’s way of raising an important relationship issue that has been upsetting them?
we each see some things the other doesn’t, and these observations are not randomly distributed between us.
Each of us sees only part of the problem (the part the other person is contributing).
Each of us is part of the problem.
You + Me Intersections.
Role Clashes.
The Big Picture.
Feedback is often expressed as “This is how you are, and that’s the problem.”
The third step back enables us to take in the big picture, which includes not only other players but also the physical environment, timing and decision making, policies, processes, and workaround coping strategies.
Blame Absorbers: It’s All Me
Blame Shifters: It’s Not Me
When we don’t understand the system that produces the feedback, we often make the mistake of trying to adjust just one component of the system, and expect that to solve the whole problem.
And that’s what seeing systems does: It creates possibilities.
We tend to move toward things that are pleasurable and away from things that are painful.
Why does your baseline matter when it comes to receiving feedback?
Know Your Feedback Footprint
We each have our own personal stages of acceptance and rejection as well.
Inoculate Yourself Against the Worst
