More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
July 5, 2020 - January 23, 2021
the difference between the giver’s “data”
(what they observe) and their interpretation (the meaning they make from what they observe).
Feedback givers arrive at their labels in two steps: (1) they observe data, and (2) they interpret that data—they tell a story about what it means.
They Confuse Data and Interpretation (We All Do)
The process of moving from data to interpretation happens in the blink of an eye and is largely unconscious.
human intelligence is organized around stories.
Bad parenting is not the data; it’s our auto-story about the encounter.
ASK WHERE THE FEEDBACK IS GOING
Often, though, feedback will have a forward-looking component.
As we’ll see below, with coaching, that piece is about advice; with evaluation, it’s about consequences and expectations.
When Receiving Evaluation: Clarify Consequences and Expectations
What does this mean for me? What will happen next, what is expected of me? Given where I stand, what should I do now?
Working to first understand their views doesn’t mean we pretend we don’t have life experiences or opinions.
And that’s almost impossible to do unless we make a key shift—away from that’s wrong and toward tell me more: Let’s figure out why we see this differently.
Biases Drive Data Collection
Others seek data that confirm their preexisting view of us, whether that view is good or bad. It’s human nature.3
Even when you are both looking at the same data, each of you can interpret them differently.
Differences in how we interpret what we see are so fundamental to understanding the feedback we get that it’s worth taking a closer look at a couple of key factors that are often embedded in our interpretations.
One of the primary reasons we interpret data
differently is that we have different rules in our heads about h...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Feedback that isn’t making sense can suddenly fall into place when we understand the implicit rule underlying the interpretations.
“WHY CAN’T FEEDBACK JUST BE OBJECTIVE?”
Annabelle knows how she intends to come across. But she is blind to her actual impact on others.
How can these folks be so oblivious? Is it possible we are this oblivious, too? It is.
We know what they said; we want to know what they meant.
The difference here is not just a matter of cutting ourselves a break. It’s really an alternate way of telling the story.
We judge ourselves by our intentions (arrow 2), while others judge us by our impacts (arrow 4).
But for those around us, our impact drives their story.
But she doesn’t actually realize what impacts she’s having.
“I’ve been working hard to be more patient [arrow 2, my intentions]. And yet it sounds like that’s not the impact I’m having [arrow 4]. That’s upsetting. Let’s figure out why.”
Feedback givers also confuse impacts a...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Their feedback is packed with assume...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
they should share the impact the behavior had on them: “I was upset and confused when you said it was your idea.
unaware of their impact.
They judge themselves by their intentions
Instead, discussing the impact of specific behaviors (and prohibiting them when appropriate) helps the offending party see themselves in the moment and begins to illuminate their blind spot.
we often withhold critical feedback because we don’t want to hurt others’ feelings or start a fight.
We figure they must already know,
The result of this withholding is that it’s easy for the receiver to take misplaced comfort in the absence of corroborating views: If what you’re saying were true, other people would have told me.
USE YOUR REACTION AS A BLIND-SPOT ALERT
When you notice yourself wondering What was their agenda? and What’s wrong with them?, make sure your next thought is I wonder if this feedback is sitting in my blind spot.
“What do you see me doing, or failing to do, that is getting in my own way?”
First, consider to what extent you are each describing the same behavior
you may be unaware of your impacts
What impact do you see it having?”
Honest Mirrors Versus Supportive Mirrors
When it comes to feedback, there are two kinds of mirrors—Supportive Mirrors and Honest Mirrors.
We go to a supportive mirror for reassurance.
An honest mirror shows us what we look like right now,
we often ask the people closest to us to be supportive mirrors.
