Janet (iamltr)

“I reach behind her and feel around on her back until I find the clip and proceed to struggle with it. I can take on a vampire army but the moment I’m met with a bra, I’m confused and so far out of my comfort zone that I’m positive I’m making the situation worse. “Have you never taken a bra off before?” “No!”
― Alice Winters, How to Vex a Vampire

“Biting his lip, he dropped his bags next to the bed and took a few deep breaths. He looked down at his half-hard dick. “Didn’t you hear him? We have to behave.” Good lord, he was talking to his penis.”
― Kiki Clark, Laying Pipe

“Get in the car.” “I’m trying to, but I can’t see. Your penis is blinding me. Is that the bright staff of Gandalf the White?” “What?” “Does the tip glow when you’re excited?”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Staying Alive Despite Past Mistakes

“It never failed to unnerve me that my general manager was a ten-year-old girl trapped in the body of a two-hundred-and-sixty-five-pound, forty-something lumberjack.”
― Slade James, Grumpy Bear