Justin’s Comments (group member since Mar 13, 2016)

Justin’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Tom wrote: "Critique of -- "Where Darkness Hides the Brightest Love" by Justin

Excellent title for an excellent story.

A stark, bizarre and disturbing story of an unearthly world divided between light and da..."

Thanks for the feedback Tom, as always. Much appreciated!! In hindsight, the story might be more effective if both leaders exchanged sons. In my mind, the light king left his son in the custody of the dark leader so that when his son returned, he would be sympathetic to the people of the dark. If both leaders had exchanged sons, so that they had both spent time living with their respective opposites, then switched, it might have been more clear why they were taking those actions. Again, thanks for taking the time to review my story!

Where Darkness Hides the Brightest Love

“Papa, why can’t I see in the dark?”
Silence hung conspicuously in the smothering black of the dining room. The boy’s mother looked up and shot her husband a subtle “be careful.” He responded with an annoyed glower.
“What do you mean son? You can see in the dark just like the rest of us.”
He tousled his son’s hair and felt the Light AMplification Prosthesis covering the boy’s eyes.
“No Papa! I mean without my LAMP. What is wrong with me?”
His father set down his fork and contemplated this most dreaded of all questions. He could feel the stress waves emanating from his wife. They had rehearsed their answer of course, but now it was staring them in the face through the gentle visage of their adopted son.
Suddenly, his wireless chirped.
“I’m sorry son, I must take this.”
Standing up quickly, he moved to the privacy of his study.
“Yes?!”
“I’m sorry to bother you Commandante, but there’s been another incursion.”
“Where?”
“Level four hydroponics.”
“Any casualties?”
“No, thank the Darkness. Everyone was already off shift, but…” He sensed his subordinate’s hesitation.
“Light has flooded the entire compartment.”
“Exactly sir, we’re waiting for Damage Control to show up.”
“Life form readings?”
“None sir, all sensors are negative. Nothing has entered or left hydroponics. I just wish we could see in the light.”
“Stop wishing for the impossible! Follow standard incursion procedure and seal off all access to hydroponics for three levels. When Damage Control arrives, they’ll set up mirror shields to reflect the light. Just maintain a secure perimeter. Understood?”
“Clearly sir.”
“Carry on.”
Closing the circuit on his wireless, the Commandante turned just in time to see the face of his son disappearing behind the doorframe.
“Come here son,” he said softly. The boy made his way tentatively into the study and crawled up onto his father’s lap.
“Has there been another incursion Papa?”
“Now, how do you know about the incursions hmm?”
“Kids at school. They say things. They say that the light monsters are burrowing into our homes to get us.”
“The light monsters eh? That sounds pretty scary. But I’ll tell you what, there are no such things as light monsters.”
“Would you blast them with dark rays if there were?”
“Well maybe…”
The Commandante’s wireless chirped again.
“Yes!” he answered, with distinctly less patience.
“Commandante, we’ve got movement detected at the incursion site! Damage Control put up mirrored barriers, but light is still getting through the cracks between them!”
“Calm down! Have a security team meet me there in two minutes. And make sure you keep that perimeter secure! No one in or out!”
“Understood sir!”
“Candace!” The Commandante yelled for his wife, who appeared almost instantaneously.
“It’s time.”
Shocked, Candace covered her nose and mouth with her hands.
“We’ve got to hurry,” he said, putting his son down.
“We’ll grieve later.”
“Papa, what’s going on?”
“Son, I need your help. Can you be brave for me?” He felt the boy’s small fingers in his own large hand and fought down a surge of sorrow.
“Yes, Papa. I can be brave for you.”
“I know you will. Take your mother’s hand and let’s go. Walk quickly now. That’s a good boy.”
The family stepped out into the stygian blackness that was normal for the corridor outside their own darkened home, and hurried on their way.
“Now,” his father began, “I must tell you something very important…”

***

“Will they keep their word?” asked the boy’s mother nervously, radiating blinding light in all directions to keep the darkness at bay.
“The Commandante is honorable and trustworthy,” replied her husband firmly, but deep down a sliver of doubt stuck in his heart.
“He knows what’s at stake. This war must end.”
“But what if he won’t come with us? He won’t even recognize us…”
“Silence my queen! Harken to the counsel of your king and husband and steel yourself. Listen! They are coming.”
A section of mirrored shielding fell away with a crash, revealing an impenetrable wall of darkness. Not even the combined brilliance of the royal couple could push it away.
Slowly, carefully, a small arm reached out from the darkness and into the light. Another voice was heard encouraging him.
“Go on now son, it’s okay. They are waiting for you. You don’t need your LAMP anymore.”
As the little boy stepped fully into the light for the first time, joy immediately filled his heart.
“Papa! I can see! I can see!!”

(750 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2019
Reviews/critiques welcome

I second C's comment!

Congratulations Chris! Well done!!

Jot wrote: "Apologies for the blunt critiques. I'm not the best of readers, due perhaps to my weak eyes and memory, but we are here to learn how different people perceive our work in an effort to sell more boo..."

A sharp knife cuts quickest and hurts the least.

Also, "The slow blade penetrates the shield."

Thanks Jot!

Chris wrote: "Thanks for the critique, Justin! :)"

You bet!

Justin Sewall’s review of “Fixer Upper” by Chris

For anyone who has ever been house hunting, “Fixer Upper” resonates with wry humor. For the wife, the property’s color is all wrong (paint is easy!), perhaps it is too remote and needs terraforming– but the real estate agent and husband can see past the dusty moon and dried canals to its underlying potential.

Everything seems to be moving towards a deal, when lo and behold, there are some unwanted pests scurrying around on the surface: humans. Like finding termites in the walls or cockroaches in the closet, the value of the property instantly dims in the eyes of the prospective buyers. The infestation has come from another nearby property whose owners have let the place go. Like the house on the block with the unkempt lawn, broken gutters and a parking lot of broken down cars, Earth has lowered the value of the entire neighborhood. Desperate to make his sale, the real estate agent promises to have the “house” (Mars) fumigated and the “nest” on Earth dealt with. Satisfied, the happy couple are ready to sign a purchase agreement.

“Fixer Upper” is a fun and funny read. The dialogue is crisp and expertly moves the story forward, never bogging down or dragging on. The alien’s point of view is humorous, relegating man and all his achievements an issue for intergalactic pest control. “Fixer Upper” is a very creative take on this month’s theme and required elements.

Great work!

Hey Jot,

This is just one of your everyday, typical space probe punchin' stories. . .

;)

C. wrote: "Tom wrote: "A review of "Topical Fish" by C. Lloyd Preville

A bizarre vignette that straddled the line between black comedy and cosmic horror.

Two astronauts on the first manned mission to the mo..."

Hey C!

I hope you don't feel too beaten up by space debris about your story. I never want my reviews to be construed as mean-spirited or insensitive. I do want to be honest with them though about how a particular story might strike me (striker, striker, striker, smack!). In fact, one of the best reviews I've ever received came from you about my "Infinity" story so many months ago. I feel like that particular short story is the best one I've ever written, and I'm still trying to live up to it - with perhaps only modest success. Anyway, I just didn't want you to feel like a punching bag being hit by micrometeorites.

Scripture says to "speak the truth in love," and I keep that in mind as I write any review of my outstanding colleagues here.

Best,

Justin

Tom wrote: "A review of "Thirteen Minutes in the Temple of Terror" by Justin Sewall.

An offbeat and amusing tale of Martian exploration by all-too-human space pioneers.

The story opens with a definition and ..."

Thanks Tom! Your reviews are always insightful and much appreciated! It's great getting different perspectives, good and bad, about one's own work. Shining a light on my literary blind spots is extremely helpful. Thanks again!

J.F. wrote: "Re: "Thirteen Minutes in the Temple of Terror" by Justin Sewell
(Spoiler warning)

An amusing sketch that kind of irked me a little at the point when the narrator says "My claustrophobia...started ..."

Thanks J.F.! I was relieved to find I was acquitted in the literary court of high crimes and misdemeanors! Yes, I often worship at the altar of Deus Ex Machina. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I don't understand your comment about donating to a campaign, but your feedback was clever and much appreciated. Thank you!

Tom wrote: "Justin wrote: "Justin Sewall’s review of “Ghosts” by Tom Olbert

“Ghosts” is a taut, three-part sci-fi horror story that does not mince words, and uses really spicy ones to evoke rich mental imager..."

You bet. And you may certainly have artificial gravity on your space station without explicitly saying so. :)

Timothy wrote: "Justin - thanks for the critique. Looking through this thread makes me wonder if you have more free time than you know what to do with, or if you simply type really fast."

Hi Timothy,

I'm currently experiencing a lull at work. Several lulls back to back provide me with free time I normally do not have. Since I have not given any reviews for some time, I thought I'd make up for it this month. Usually I'm not able to get any reviews in, or only one or two. But I do type really fast too. :)

J.F. wrote: "Justin, thanks for the very thoughtful critique. If you found the transition jarring, you know how Messer must've felt. Because no time passed when both doors were closed, from her perspective:
she..."

Hi J.F.,

You are quite welcome. I Googled Elysium but didn't see it was a cavern on Mars, so that is good to know. It makes the story more understandable in my mind. It's a portal between Phobos and the surface of Mars. Completely logical! As writers, we know exactly what we mean. The problem is getting the reader to know exactly what we mean in the same way - but you already knew that! :) Any suggestions/criticisms I may point out in other stories are easily and often reflected in my own work. Physician/author, heal thyself! :)

Justin Sewall’s review of “Kentucky Three” by Timothy Paul

A cargo ship – call sign Kentucky Three - bound for a Martian base is asked to make a slight course correction after its long trip from (presumably) Earth. The main protagonist pilot Jayden does so, ponders the ring he has purchased for his dirtside girlfriend, then retires for a brief sleep period after turning flight operations over to the copilot Chon. Upon awakening, it is noted the passengers seem an especially quiet bunch, perhaps in nervousness about the ship’s radioactive cargo. Chon mentions seeing a smooth, stone-like shape flying over the surface of Phobos which Jay dismisses as he prepares for the ship’s final approach to Mars. Ground control urgently tells Jay he needs to make a course correction or the ship will crash into Phobos. Additionally, an energy tether of some kind is linking his ship to Phobos and the alien craft. The motivation for and effect of this energy tether is unknown. Jayden goes through the motions to fire the ship’s thrusters, but his mental faculties are fading rapidly. Soon he can only stare at the blinking lights on the flight control panel as ground control tries in vain to maintain contact.

When I first read this story, the ending reminded me of a scene from the movie, “The Andromeda Strain.” There, a research scientist misses crucial data about the virus because flashing red lights on a control panel induce an epileptic seizure/trance that prevents any physical action or mental understanding by the scientist. The same appears to have happened to the main character Jayden, although it seems to be induced by the energy tether that the alien craft has attached to Kentucky Three.

The suspense in this story is a slow burn, finally flashing to life in the last few sentences as ground control tries desperately to spur the pilot into action. Presumably, Kentucky Three hits Phobos with catastrophic consequences. Dialogue pacing seemed appropriate and realistic based on the circumstances: a ship coming in to land on Mars. Although I again was reminded of a movie scene: the Pan Am space liner lining up with the orbiting station in 2001. Basically that kind of orbital/landing ballet played out in my mind as Kentucky Three came to the end of its long trip from Earth.

Paul gives a little bit of character development by showing us Jay’s anticipation of seeing his girlfriend so that he can propose to her – which is a generally relatable experience and provides a good thumbnail sketch of his character. However, that is all we get. His copilot Chon gets even less, only that her command of English is perhaps not the best and she got poor scores on her landing simulations. Their banter is sufficiently developed to move the story forward.

The alien craft, its purpose and motivations are not described, leaving it up to the reader to decide why it might want Kentucky Three to crash into Phobos. Perhaps they are native Martians and do not like their new human neighbors. Maybe it was an accident they snared the Earth ship with their energy tether, and like the barb on a fishhook, it is unable to be removed. I felt this part of the plot was a little too nebulous, though understanding that some stories simply do not tie everything up neatly for the reader.

Overall, an enjoyable story.

Justin Sewall’s review of “The Rule of Doors” by J.F. Williams

Alien artifact mounds on Phobos and in a fictitious cavern located elsewhere exhibit the same gravitational anomalies, ghostly alien images and come complete with doors opening to a dimension/location where time does not exist. A colleague of the protagonists also happens to be trapped inside one of these mounds after accidently releasing another alien creature of some sort and falling inside. The doors prove unyielding in any respect but the dynamic duo do not give up on their friend who has been missing for going on three months. Scientific sleuthing and theorizing ensues, enabling the scientists to ultimately rescue their friend, who then begins to worry about what was actually stored inside these “containers.”

I liked the premise of “Doors” and the overall story in general. The idea of these timeless containers that can only open from one side or the other was interesting. Story pacing was a bit slow and the dialogue a little unpolished at times. It does manage to draw you in with the mystery of what was inside and what escaped. Perhaps exploring that would make a good sequel to this initial effort.

The opening is vague in terms of where the two main characters are specifically. Are they on Phobos studying these alien remains and their ghostly afterimages? Are they in a space station or a colony on Mars or a research station on Phobos? This bothered me because I wanted to be able to place these characters somewhere besides a white room in a different space/time continuum.

I felt the transition between the opening act and second part was a bit jarring. The two main characters have an idea, then voila! The third character is out of her container prison with no time passing and little worse for wear – not even needing a snack or potty break. Even with understanding how the 750 word limit often cuts out many explanatory sentences, I felt this was too big of a leap to expect readers to make. Perhaps it is not difficult to other readers, but in my opinion more of a transition was needed here.

Taken as a whole, “Doors” is a fun, scientific sleuthing mystery with an even more mysterious conclusion that makes the reader want more.

Justin Sewall’s review of “Ghosts” by Tom Olbert

“Ghosts” is a taut, three-part sci-fi horror story that does not mince words, and uses really spicy ones to evoke rich mental imagery. Astronauts working from an international space platform orbiting Phobos encounter an alien spacecraft and what they think are the transmitted memories from an extinct insectoid species. An ex-husband and wife team work to decipher and understand the origin of the images while sickened colleagues languish in the station medical bay, afflicted by an unknown disease. Only at the end does the protagonist Brandon understand that humans are simply raw material for these horrific black arthropods, who come complete with claws, exoskeletons and mandibles hungry for more food. As he reaches for a gun (in a zero-g environment?), his future – along with that of the other astronauts on the station, is left deliciously uncertain.

In Olbert’s latest display of a willingness to dance on the darker side of sci-fi, words are used with fierce and effective economy. For example: “Phobos hung grey and cold in the black void above the russet Martian horizon.” Although this writhing, wriggling terror of a short story is crammed into a small exoskeleton, there is certainly room for a much more expansive and exciting story.

Yet “Ghosts” does not disappoint in the space allotted. I felt the protagonist’s sweaty palms, fear and dread throughout the entire episode. By making Brandon’s main interaction primarily with an ex-wife, it felt like that was all you needed to know about these two. They had a history, it was rough, they split and now they work together. With little room for relationship development, knowing this about the ex-couple gives you a fantastic thumbnail sketch of who they are without tying them to specific physical characteristics – and it doesn’t matter. Olbert moves you swiftly along to the denouement, leaving you wondering what happens after the screen fades to black.

You’ll be looking for a can of Raid and a lighter by the time this story comes to its “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”-esque conclusion.

Great work!

Thanks C!

Tom wrote: "You have a talent for metaphor, Justin."

Thanks Tom! Much appreciated!

Hey C,

I hope my review of your story did not seem cheeky. My stories often fall below own hopes for them as well. The challenge of course being to serve a literary wine and steak on a Happy Meal budget. I was just sitting at work with some time on my hands, and I wanted to force myself to do a review and give some genuine feedback since I have not done so for quite a while.

I feel every time I create a story here, it forces me to work my brain to become a better writer. It's like my running. Not every run will be a personal record. Most are just "consistency runs" so I don't get out of shape. But when I do get a PR, it's definitely nice.

I hope you enjoy your cooking class! (says the man who made a double batch of lasagna hamburger helper last night to feed his slavering hordes of children since the head chef was out...)

Best,

Justin