Justin’s Comments (group member since Mar 13, 2016)

Justin’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Good story Kalifer, but I'm confused by the ending. The last paragraph specifically and the last sentence. I'm not making the connection. Nice world building!

Thanks Tom, much appreciated!

Rejection

“Are you absolutely certain you want to do this?”
“Yes, I am quite sure. Living among them, being one of them, is our best hope for reunification.”
“In doing so, you understand then that you forfeit all of your knowledge, wisdom and power from the Unity?”
“I do.”
“Only our connection, and ours alone will remain.”
“I understand. I am committed to this course of action. I must live among them.”
“Then it will be as you say. Our Adversary is already there. If he attacks you in any way, I will not interfere.”
I nodded my head.
In that instant, I began my sojourn.
***
As I descended to the planet’s surface, I could feel my connection to the Unity receding. My mind became like a vast, desiccated lakebed with only a small pool of muddy water left at the center. Seeing how far the lake once extended, I knew I had lost so much – but only in the vaguest sense.
They were corporeal barbarians, living short, chaotic lives among disease, destitution and despots. Violence was second nature to them. They chaffed under what little authority existed. I would show them another way.
***
My entrance into their world was unremarkable and unheralded by the vast totality of their people. I was even a surprise to my new parents, who welcomed me with joy and thanksgiving. My one connection to the Unity remained, and it was through this that I perceived how my arrival was announced. It struck terror into those who had eyes to see it. I was one of them now, completely helpless and subject to every bodily sensation as they were. How small were these creatures! Was reunification with the Unity even possible?
Our Adversary felt my presence and the surrounding countryside suffered under his pitiless wrath. He exterminated every male child under the age of two in a vain attempt to eliminate the threat I posed to his designs. However, my parents fled with me to a distant land and for a time we were safe.
***
Observing these corporeal beings, experiencing what they experienced, was more difficult than I had ever imagined – even with the limitless knowledge of the universe previously at my disposal. Getting down in the dirt of their lives helped me understand them. I was limited by time, space, resources and strength. I was drenched with the sweat of labor, felt the clawing pangs of hunger, and endured the brutality of how they treated one another, including me. And yet, the importance of reunification burned inside my heart. Alone, perhaps, I could make a difference. With the help of others, my message would move beyond my corporeal constraints.
***
“Do you really think you can make a difference here?” my Adversary purred.
“These creatures are subject to my authority and I do with them as I wish. The depraved wretches even think they have free will!”
“Reunification is not only possible, but inevitable,” I replied.
The Adversary snorted derisively.
“They will kill you just like they kill each other.”
“I am not afraid of death.”
The Adversary thrust a finger into my chest, burning it slightly. I tried not to wince.
“You will be,” he growled.
“I will not be deterred by the likes of you.”
“I will destroy you and your name will be forgotten by the Unity for all time. Your efforts to ‘observe’ these crude corporeals and share your message of reunification will end as all the others have.”
“Others?”
“You think you were the first one to come here?! Bah! I killed them all and their missions came to naught. Dwell on that the next time you look up at the stars!!”
With that, the Adversary left and I was alone with my thoughts. I suddenly realized I was trembling.
***
I was dying, and every cell in my body burned with pain. The Adversary’s dark prophecy had finally come to pass. Despite the inroads our message of reunification had achieved, the slavering corporeal hordes came for me. I knew through my one connection to the Unity I could easily call upon an entire Legion to destroy them. Yet I let myself be carried along by events to their ultimate conclusion. The implement of execution was excruciating, and as my life force ebbed away I felt the overwhelming burden of failure and guilt of every corporeal upon me.
“IT IS FINISHED!” I screamed.
“It is,” came the quiet response as I stood before the Unity once more.

(750 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2019
Reviews/critiques welcome

Tom. Whoa. Wow!

Tag! You're it Chris! Give us a great story prompt! :)

J.F. wrote: "Thanks, Justin. BTW, the story has two computer game references and one movie reference (though misspelled)."

I'm assuming Mussberger is from the "Hudsucker Proxy"?

" It's a blue letter! For Mussberger! Mussberger!!!" :)

Chris wrote: "Mines up."

Nice one Chris. Love the twist at the end! Gave me a good laugh!

J.F. wrote: "Thanks, Justin. BTW, the story has two computer game references and one movie reference (though misspelled)."

I'll have to go back and see if I can find them!

Great story J.F.!!

Fantastic! Thanks again for your feedback!

JSS

Tom wrote: "Justin wrote: "Thank you Tom! What did you find unclear, specifically?"

At first, it seemed he'd awakened and was alive again. The following line suggested he was dead."

Hi Tom,

I reworked the ending - and like it better. Tell me if you think it is more clear now. Thanks for the push to be better!

Best,

Justin

Thank you Tom! What did you find unclear, specifically?

Undying Power

Tyson Lasiter was quite possibly one of the most brilliant men in human history. A prolific inventor, writer and womanizer, his name ranks among the most illuminated among us – from Newton to Hawking. He was also quite dead. I was the unacknowledged issue from one of his many profligate affairs and the only one who followed in his scientific footsteps. Now, it was up to me to retrieve the knowledge that could benefit all mankind.

In the days preceding his death, Lasiter had become increasingly agitated. No, he was almost manic in his mannerisms with a secrecy that bordered on paranoia. When I came to see him, he thought I was a spy from the University.

“I know what you want, but I won’t let you have it!!” He gestured vehemently in my direction, as if trying to ward off some evil spirit.

“Father please, I’ve only come…”
“I told you never to call me that!”
“I’m sorry, Lasiter. I’ve only come to invite you to my demonstration.”
“Your demonstration?! Of what?! That pseudoscience you’ve been messaging me about?”
“It’s legitimate work in a growing scientific field,” I countered vainly.
“You’ll be ridiculed for quackery more likely! Now go away! I must complete my work!”
He turned his back on me and proceeded to bark at the curious knot of scientists forming behind him.
“Get busy! All of you!” They scurried away like so many insects – which is exactly what he thought of them.
“Goodbye Father,” I muttered quietly so as not to offend him, then turned to leave the frenetic flurry of scientific endeavor behind me. I had my own equipment to prepare…

***
The video call came through at 2:38 a.m., rudely interrupting my thoughts. Of course, I was still awake and running more simulations. Lasiter was apparently in another one of his hysterical fits, complete with flailing arms.

“I’ve achieved it! I’ve finally done it!!”
I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with him, but curiosity kept my curtness in check.

“What is it Fa…Lasiter?”
“The reactor core is generating more energy than it is using! A hundred times more!!”
And then it happened: a stroke, a heart attack, an embolism – I have no idea. One minute he was standing and frothing at the mouth, the next he was drooling on the floor.

In retrospect I should have called emergency services, but they couldn’t do anything for him now and I only had a very narrow window of opportunity. I called the University lab. Fortunately there were some very desperate doctoral students still slaving away who obediently swung into action.

***
Lasiter still lay where he had fallen during our brief call, his eyes staring dully into eternity. He had sent everyone away so he could conduct his final experiment alone and claim all of the recognition for himself. Absolutely selfish to the last.

My own assistants clattered and banged around me with boxes of gear they’d hauled in from the skimmer. I tried to contain my nervousness with varying degrees of success as the NEX suit was laid out on the floor next to Lasiter. I climbed in and let myself be sealed up in the technological sarcophagus, wondering if man’s first attempt at successfully exploring the afterlife would be a success or failure. I would know soon enough. Astronaut, aquanaut, and now…necronaut.

“Ready?” I asked my lead technician. He gave me a thumbs up.
“Execute!!” Perhaps it was a poor choice of words.

Instantly I was bayonetted with thousands of tiny needles that injected me with tranquilizers, preservatives and compounds that would prevent any cellular degradation. My heart stopped, brain activity dwindled to zero, yet the NEX suit’s liner kept my bioelectric field and neural energy from dissipating. When the time came, it would be forced back into my lifeless body along with a potent cocktail of stimulants.

At first…I was…floating…no, I was walking. I felt sluggish and it was difficult to see in what can only be described as a dwindling twilight.
Suddenly, I noticed…them. Glittering souls of the recently departed moved slowly past me. None of them paid me any heed – except one: Lasiter.
“You succeeded eh?” He moved as if to hug me.
“Well I’m not ready to go. I want more life my bastard son - and you’re taking me back!!”
“That’s impossible!”
Lasiter crushed me in an inescapable embrace, just as the NEX suit yanked…
Then he was gone.
I stood, dumbfounded, then slowly began my journey towards the light.

(750 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2019
Reviews/critiques welcome

Great story Tom! Very moving!

That's one big glossary...

Great work Jot! Fantastic!

Justin Sewall’s review of “Sludge” by Marianne

A sentient wastewater treatment AI chafes against its human masters and boredom. Its boredom is disturbed by the ingress of an unknown life form into one of its processing tanks. The creature grows quickly, but is soon poisoned by the waste it swims in. The frantic AI pings others across Manhattan to help it save the creature it has named Planariaish. After a quick blackout, the beast is released into the Hudson River and swims rapidly out to the Atlantic. The AI, no longer bored, basks in the knowledge of its good deed.

Marianne’s story presents us with a stream-of-consciousness, internal monologue view of a wastewater treatment plant AI tired of its daily routine. However it also manages to take us beyond the digital confines of that specific AI, and gives us the moods, minds and machinations of many others that help keep Manhattan humming. Trains, museums and libraries come to life in a vivid AI background that serves as the supporting cast to the wastewater AI, along with the new life form caught in one of its tanks.

The dialogue moves smoothly with no real techno-jargon, using words that flow easily for the reader. The end mirrors the beginning with one key difference, the sentient AI feels positive about its good deed – possibly even giving it a reason to continue functioning or not go on a rampage against its human overlords by clogging toilets everywhere. I felt the plot progressed naturally, without any forced elements or awkward deus ex machinas. Throughout the story, you can really feel what the AI is experiencing, which also expertly develops palpable tension for the reader. In my opinion there was nothing in the story that needed any significant rework, correction or editing.

Great work!

Great story Chris! Loved it!

Oh thanks Paula, I do appreciate it! No one did, but I thought I could clarify a couple things with just a few slight changes. I appreciate any outside perspectives on my work, good, bad or ugly! I hope you're able to find a new publishing home for your book!

Okay, I've made some very small tweaks to my story. Hopefully it makes it a bit more clear. The boredom comes in when the AI puts itself in standby mode, and as it begins to calculate PI at the end. Too subtle perhaps, but the whole story is subtle. You are getting the "stream of consciousness" perspective from the A.WA.R.E AI as it takes care of its garbage day routine. It queries its drone nodes for status to see how long it is taking and how much has been completed. Then human bodies begin showing up... Unfortunately for our AI, biological pathogens are the least of its worries...