Justin’s Comments (group member since Mar 13, 2016)

Justin’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Send it over! (I'll read it in between sound editing...)

Andy wrote: "Hi Justin - I live in Lincoln now, a fine historic city though a bit off the beaten track for most visitors.
I've lived most of my life in Cambridge, though, which is where I was back at the time o..."

Alas we did not. We started in London, then took the train to York. From there on to Edinburgh for the Tattoo (with a short jaunt to Loch Ness - had to, and yes, I admit it, I love bagpipes), then down to Llandudno in Wales, down to Oxford and Blenheim (where we then got a car and proceeded to drive on the left - it was weird!), Bath, then back to London to catch the Eurorail. Two days in Paris, then out to Caan and the Normandy beaches. Whew! It was a whirlwind three weeks and I was just amazed by the history all around you - all the time! I hope to go back some day.

Andy wrote: "Yes, keep safe all!

Over here in the UK the government is taking a different route to the rest of Europe, and not yet going for all the 'social distancing measures' that they are in Italy, France,..."

Hi Andy! If you don't mind me asking, where in the UK? My wife and I were lucky to enjoy our one "big" vacation there back in 2000 B6K (that is, before six kids!). England, Scotland, Wales, then the last three days in Paris. I loved every minute there as I am a huge Churchill fanatic and amateur military historian. I was so glad we went in 2000 and not 2001, which saw mad cow and flooding!

Andy wrote: "Here are some comments on a first group of stories.

INVASION by Tom Olbert
There’s a lot happening in this story – I really like the premise and the glimpses of the competing worlds, but I think y..."

Andy: You must watch the David Lynch version of Dune at least once. Just once. I watched it first, then read the book and some of the scenes made more sense to me after. I cannot wait to see the new version that is supposedly coming out. Long live the fighters!!!!

Andy wrote: "The Marriage of Fi-Gero by Kalifer Deil
A distinctive story, quirky and original. The first paragraph in particular has shades of Douglas Adams in the tone and sentence construction of the narrator..."

Ah yes! You got it! The Louvre it was!!! Thank you!!! Notice Jen-Ten's friend was Mona, and her mother was Lisa. The run-together number last names were how they had evolved over time. Alas the story was too short to get to who the disembodied voice was, or why the women were all modeled off of the Mona Lisa, still in her bomb-proof display case on the wall...

Paula wrote: "I'm hoping to get something in this month, but--to answer Jot's question--it's very hard to write a science fiction story when we are living in what's previously seemed a science fiction and/or his..."

Hello Paula,

Our school district just closed until 4/24, and the governor just ordered all schools in Pierce, Snohomish and King counties closed until then as well (we live in Snohomish County). Today was the kid's last day of school, but we kept my daughter home. Church is all remote live stream on the Web now (THX1138 anyone?...blessings of the state...) We are sanitizing everything like crazy (including cans from the grocery store), washing hands, etc. I think we will be okay. You be safe too!

Tom wrote: "Thank you, Justin, for your detailed and honest reviews."

You've been consistently reviewing, which I deeply appreciate. Now that I've adopted C's framework, I might get a few more in on a regular basis. Thx!

C. wrote: "Yes, Thanks Justin! Now I know what it feels like to be hoisted on my own pitard! Lol

Actually you were generous to give me a 5 for compliance with story requirements since I wrote about an altern..."

Hi C! Not hoisting anything, unless it is the flag of CHOAM from the Emperor's gilded palace ship on the plains of Araakis… :) I appreciate your review structure, which gives me something definite to start from, then add a few comments at the end. I wasn't worried about the 5 millennia or 500 years. I didn't feel it had to be a precise measurement of time.

I have adopted C's story review rating scale. My intent is not to offend or hurt, but simply give feedback and my opinions.


1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Invasion, by Tom Olbert
A. Overall story enjoyment: 3
B. Writing quality: 4
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 4
E. Ending strength: 3
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 23 Hypernova stars.
Comments: The story is well written, the concepts are interesting (other-siders, alternate universes, underwater cities, neural web and man-killing virus). I found the last two paragraphs and final sentence choppy, which lessened the impact of the ending for me.

1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Joanne of Arc, by C. Lloyd Preville
A. Overall story enjoyment: 3
B. Writing quality: 4
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 3
E. Ending strength: 3
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 22 Hypernova stars.
Comments: The story is well written and has a Minority Report/V for Vendetta vibe to it. The concept of Joan of Arc day and the legalized murder of men for infidelity (and the history behind it) was good world-building. One question I did have was if the vehicle windows where Ralph’s tryst occurred were blacked, how did the security camera see them? Just a nit I pulled on after I digested the story a second time. The ending felt anti-climactic to me.

1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Betrayal, by Chris
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 5
C. Scientific content quality: 3
D. Emotive quality: 5
E. Ending strength: 5
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 27 Hypernova stars.
Comments: The story is well written and flows as elegantly as Empress Ortensia’s pearlescent robes. There is a definite descriptive richness to the characters and it has a distinct Dune flavor. Two sentences I feel need clarification: “It is!” He declared, plunging his hidden blade in, a synthetic polymer, undetectable by the security scans. If you could squeeze out the words, I would revise to something like: “It is!” He declared, plunging his dagger into her chest. Its blade, a synthetic polymer, had rendered it undetectable by security scans. Victoria, eyes wide in shock, collapsed, the color fading from her face as she bled out on the floor. The entire story has twists, turns, betrayals and double-crosses in spades.

1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
‘She’ is All, by Andy
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 4
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 5
E. Ending strength: 4
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 26 Hypernova stars.
Comments: A peaceful story with good pacing despite its low intensity. Descriptive, thoughtful world building -but also showing how the mother, despite societal admonitions and constructs to the contrary, will still look out for her own daughter. The “O” without the plus or arrow was an interesting touch.
 
1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Jolia, by Jot Russell
A. Overall story enjoyment: 3
B. Writing quality: 3
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 4
E. Ending strength: 3
F. Compliance with story requirements: 4
Score: 21 Hypernova stars.
Comments: A neutral meeting site between an all-female society and a mixed male-female society was an interesting concept. For some reason Ringworld kept entering my mind, especially with the inclusion of the space tether. The second and third sections felt less developed and fleshed out compared to the first. It was unclear to me why Jolia could not go back if she was pregnant. The action wrapping up the story, with Jolia’s wife also showing up, also felt rushed, with the man conveniently having all the right cards on hand for holiday and spousal visas.

1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
The Marriage of Fi-Gero, by Kalifer Deil
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 3
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 3
E. Ending strength: 4
F. Compliance with story requirements: 2
Score: 20 Hypernova stars.
Comments: I liked the series of news reports from different perspectives, but this did make the story a bit choppy. When Habitat Delta detached from its centripetal anchor, I could only think, “Oh the humanity!” with visions of the Hindenburg collapsing in flames. That’s what the dialogue and imagery evoked for me. However, the story did not quite meet compliance with the theme of an all-female society. Jealousy and infidelity were demonstrated at the altar by Fi-Gero.
 
1-5 Hypernova stars:
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
The Future is Bright, by Jack McDaniel
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 5
C. Scientific content quality: 3
D. Emotive quality: 4
E. Ending strength: 4
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
Score: 25 Hypernova stars.
Comments: The internal dialogue here is fantastic and moves the story forward well. Gender roles are reversed in this alternate future or universe. It is unclear which it is. God is a She, and women are closer to Her than men are. It had a “White Man’s Burden” vibe to it (never saw the movie, but the concept is similar). The ending brings the man’s thought process full circle, back from his own aspirations to harsh reality. It is powerful and funny at the same time. After criticizing the fat, kept man for selecting diet soda, he does the same. The story has more of a fiction versus sci-fi feel to it in my opinion.

Jot wrote: "Looks like I'll have hair until May 12th. My company might have been exposed to the virus, so they postponed the head shave and are taking other steps to have people work from home.

How has this i..."

Hello Jot! So far there have only been three confirmed cases of COVID-19 at the Everett site, and none where I work. A lot of people are working from home, and while I could do that, I'd rather not. So with fewer people even around, I'm not worried and besides, parking is easier with so many people working remotely. With travel and tourism down, the airlines need fewer planes, etc., so many are happy not to have their MAX's right now. Eventually this will all get sorted, businesses will get back to work, people will travel, etc. I was listening to a doctor on KIRO radio on my drive in this morning and he put it in a good perspective. There is a lot of media hype that is driving panic in the general population and Wall Street. That's not to say don't take it seriously, but this is not the apocalypse. I do take is seriously because my daughter is a Type I, insulin dependent diabetic, which is an underlying health condition. So I definitely do not want her to get it. We just don't want her to get sick period at all. Anyway, this too shall play itself out like SARS, MERS, West Nile, swine flu, bird flu, etc. If you need me, I'll be in my bomb shelter, surrounded by toilet paper and playing HALO on my XBOX. LOL!

Tom wrote: "Splendid story, Justin. Strong use of light, sensory and emotion. Inventive cultural developments, like the term "dream walking" and the use of numbers in naming. Ending a bit baffling, but intrigu..."

Thanks Tom! I had a really hard time with this month's theme and elements. One, writing realistic female characters and dialogue is someplace I go with great insecurity. I also wanted to go someplace different with the infidelity/jealousy requirements. I think I needed about another 500 words to fully flesh out what was going on Downbelow.

The Myth of Man

“Mommy, tell me the Myth of Man again.”
Lisa Sevnyne paused her knitting and sighed softly. The fire crackled cheerfully in the hearth, casting uneven, flickering light across the common room. It danced playfully on her daughter’s face.
“Why do you want to hear it again my child?” asked Lisa. “It’s far past your time for dreamwalking.”
“Puh-leeeeze Mommy!”
Lisa looked deeply into her daughter’s eyes – saw herself within, and loved her. She opened her arms wide, causing her daughter to squeal with delight as she leapt onto her mother’s lap. Lisa kissed the back of her head and whispered into her daughter’s ear.
“Listen to me my child, listen while I tell you the Myth of Man. Listen, learn, and live!”
Her daughter snuggled in, and Lisa Sevnyne began the recitation she knew so well.
“Long ago, before the gleaming towers burned and fell, before the earth was scorched and scarred, before your third foremother went to and fro among masses scarcely countable or conceivable – was Man.”
“What did Man look like Mommy?”
“Hush now daughter and I will tell you.”
Lisa began to rock slowly, recounting the Myth of Man until her daughter’s head slowly drooped and her eyes fluttered with the first steps of dreamwalking. When the telltale sign of rhythmic breathing held fast, she gently picked her daughter up and lay her softly in bed.
“Dream well my daughter…for someday… soon…you must descend and face the truth.”

***
Jennifer Tentoonyne knelt before the high priestess and grimaced as her flowing brown hair fell to the ground in large clumps. She had been dreading this rite for many settings of the sun, and now it was here: her Day of Descent. After perfectly reciting the Myth of Man, Jen-Ten – as she was called by her best friend Mona Sevtyate - prepared to receive The Marks. Jen-Ten cast furtive glances toward the assembled women, but did not see her best friend. To her regret and shame, Mona had failed her own recitation and stormed off in an unfaithful fit of jealously, leaving Jen-Ten angry and confused.
The words of the high priestess pulled her back into the moment.
“Jennifer Tentoonyne, you have been found worthy to receive The Marks on your Day of Descent. Art thou willing to submit and bear The Marks in true faith to thyself and those assembled?”
Jen-Ten looked at her mother, whose eyes seemed to urge her on lovingly, then back to the high priestess.
“I am willing.”
“As thou have spoken, receive now The Marks from thy sisters.”
At the base of her newly shorn neck, Jen-Ten felt the needles as they burned the block of closely set lines upon it. The same lines worn by every other woman of the village.
She felt her spirit lift for a reason she could not explain. It would soar yes, but now she must descend.

***
Jen-Ten shivered in the cold rain and used her spear to help pick her way through the rubble. The back of her neck throbbed slightly from The Marks, but she resisted touching them. Finally after many turnings of time, she came to the ruins of the shattered pyramid and the broad, crumbling steps that led to the Downbelow. She moved swiftly down them, seeking both refuge from the elements – and the truth. Gray light filtered into the corridor before her, barely illuminating a massive door that looked out of place among the fire scorched ruins. Jen-Ten stood before it, waiting expectantly. She bowed her head as the high priestess had instructed, and in the blink of an eye, a red light flashed across her neck. The massive doors swung open and warm, inviting light poured out into the darkness.
“Wel…wel…wel…come,” a disembodied voice stuttered.
Jen-Ten thrust her spear before her and stepped cautiously into the bright. As her eyes adjusted, she saw the visage of a woman upon the opposite wall behind something clear like water, yet solid to the touch. She seemed to resemble her mother…but how was that possible? She could not read the markings underneath it, and before new questions could form in her mind, another red light flashed across her neck.
“Jen…Jen…Jennifer 1029, step forward,” the voice commanded.
“BEHOLD! The Myth of Man…and his irredeemable downfall!” Images of war, death and destruction paraded before Jen’s eyes.
“Stop!” she screamed, freezing one image. “Who is this?”
The voice replied, “It is the pattern on which you are all based.”
“It is called: the Mona Lisa.”

(750 words in story) Justin Sewall © 2020
Reviews/critiques welcome

Jack wrote: "I decided to write a story about a real loser with delusions of grandeur and a lot of anger."

You certainly did! You write internal dialogue really well.

Fun story Kalifer! Nice work!

Tom wrote: "Justin wrote: "The Duke, will die before these eyes and he'll know, he'll know!!! That it is I! Baron, Vladimir Harkonnen who encompasses his doom!!!! (cue Toto soundtrack)"

"How often it is that ..."

Yes!!!!!!

The Duke, will die before these eyes and he'll know, he'll know!!! That it is I! Baron, Vladimir Harkonnen who encompasses his doom!!!! (cue Toto soundtrack)

Chris! This is a story worthy of the Dune universe!!!! It felt rich, deep and malevolently elegant. Nicely done and welcome back!!

Thanks for the review C, I do appreciate it! I do agree with your comment about explaining more about the blank mind. Between you and Tom, I can see some serious overhauls needed for this story that would make it much better. Thanks again!

Put another feather in your cap sir! Nicely done!!

Tom wrote: ""Penny for your thoughts?" by Justin Sewall

An anthology of alien/human encounters from varying viewpoints.

The first two scenes are first person narratives, each delivered by a different alien o..."

Perhaps if the alien investigator was the same character vs. one that changed over time? Or have parallel investigations going, the alien one and the human one? That would work if I had started with the police procedural. One thing, the human detective was not dim-witted. He simply was able to clear his mind easily, thus not tipping off his intent to the alien investigator. Great feedback for me to chew on!!