Andres’s Comments (group member since Jul 29, 2020)

Andres’s comments from the Gathering Of Dedicated Scribblers group.

I completely understand where you're coming from. A few months back my daughter was trying to do one of those word games where you fill in nouns/verbs to create a story. As she was going through it my wife would look at me for an example and I was speechless. I told her, "I don't what those are." She responded with, "How did you write two book but can't tell your daughter what adjectives are." I just shrugged. So I know how you feel.

No, not weird at all. You can't yet imagine how refreshing it is to be attempting at helping people tell their story and to make someone happy with my suggestions. Thank you for the fireball, I do look forward to the next scene. Susan is such a lady I can't wait to see her lose a bit of that composure because of her anger. It's something relatable or at least should be, to us all.

Read chapter 5. Very good chapter, I enjoyed it very much.

Just skimmed chapter 13, uh, that might have to wait a bit. I'll see if I get time later today but possibly tomorrow.

Read chapter 12, that was a long chapter.

Ahh, a little supernatural slipping in. Very nice.

Okay, just from experience, if you left out the makes of the guns it wouldn't hurt the story at all.

The sound of a 5.57 makes more of a poh poh and the AK is more of a thud thud. The 7.62 is a lot heavier. Although, I wouldn't be able to distinguish an AR15 from an M4 or anything like that. This is why, if I put myself in Jonah's shoes, I might guess the caliber and judge the rate of fire from automatic to semi but I wouldn't know what type of gun it was exactly.

Also, if they were attempting to extract a young woman from the van, I'm not sure they would be riddling it with gunfire. If a round penetrated an open window it would ricochet from the reinforced steel of the SUV bouncing around and possibly hurting the girl.

Firing at the other 'Grey' van absolutely. Ramming, shooting at tires or passengers swinging tire irons to break windows...yes. More attempts at trying to disable the SUV then trying to kill it. If that makes sense. If being shot at, I couldn't tell you a dark skin guy pulled out a 'Glock' from a springfield, walther, taurus or sig sauer.

Sorry, I get wrapped up in everyone's story I sometimes practice to myself... How would I have wrote that scene? But I'm glad you agree the shadow thing was weird. It was either going to go dark in a bad direction or was a trigger like when a great white smells blood. To me, it felt sinister. Scary.

His hands were warm and full of comfort as his thumbs gently traced the water lines from her tears. She closed her eyes as his masculine scent of mint and cigar smoke wafted itself into her soul.

Finally she felt herself release. She had been a caregiver for so long it was nice to feel someone care for her. Refreshing.

She felt his lips gingerly press themselves against her flesh calming her as a parent would to their child. But then, they came again and again lower.

She knew she would resist, push him away, tell him to stop but it felt so good. Her heart raced. She could feel her pulse pounding against the side of her neck. And then he kiss her lips.

It was something she hadn't wanted to happen, or maybe she had. No. It shouldn't have happened, not tonight on her anniversary. But, now that it had, she didn't want it to stop either. It was so confusing she couldn't help but giggle when he jerked away.

Chapter 11. Just wondering, is there a specific reason why you are detailing the makes of firearms in this scene? What is a CMG? I tried to google it and got everything from a urological procedure to a weapon manufactured in 1965.

Other than that I left my review on Coursera. Let me know if you have any questions for me about 11. I'll try to read 12 tomorrow.

Absolutely. I'm kind of stuck in the mud writing my novel so as my brain searches for ways to get out I'll try to knock these out this week.

To be fair I already had a an outline for 19 chapters. But, thank you, I am fervently smashing my face across the keyboard almost an hour a day. ;)

Actually, if you're offering, I would very much appreciate you looking over my attempted 'Romance' novel of King Arthur. I could use a woman's touch? Opinion? Expertise?

Once I finish this novel as a first draft from start to finish I would love a read through. The feedback would be greatly appreciated as I go through writing the 2nd draft. Right now I wouldn't want to waste your time as the story can change dramatically while I'm trying to fit square blocks into circular holes. I've already gone back and changed the beginning chapters several times as I progress forward. At least as a first draft everything should kind of be where its supposed to be.

I just hit 60k words and am starting to lose my direction towards the ending. I've already broken the fourth wall into my universe which indirectly ties in every one of my works. This was also my motivation for writing the novel in the first place.

My protagonist just acquired his nickname 'The Sunset Slayer' in retelling his life story to his judgement panel who ultimately decide his sentence. Originally I had intended for him to escape but I couldn't think of reasons or ways to justify this if I wasn't intending on writing a second book. This would then leave me with an ungratified ending.

I'm thinking now that I should find him guilty and sentenced to death. As the act is being carried out he either does something or reveals something to his panel that validates everything he had been speaking of. A way of admitting guilt to his crimes but also allowing the panel to fully understand who the Antagonist was or actually IS. This way the person my readers should have disliked through the entire story is in fact the person that 'gets away with murder' ohhhh.

Marcia wrote: "I'll spare you the details, it was gross. ..."

LOL. Thank you although, those nasty recollections often make great additions to stories. Just an Fyi.

Great chapter 4. I left you my comments on the coursera site just to maintain confidentiality. Sometimes critiques are positive and others can copy that vibe which provides multiple similar feedback. Other times it can be hard criticism which doesn't need to be displayed for everyone.

Your chapter 4 link is broken, and your chapter 5 link takes me to chapter 4.

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I read chapter 3. I'll read 4 tomorrow if I get some time.

No worries, that's what we are here for, to help you edit. Always remember that this is your story and it needs to be told the way you wish to tell it. If we suggest something that you don't agree with, that's fine, keep going. Pick and choose what you wish from our point of view, we are only here to help. Hopefully we do just that.

Okay, now that I see all the potential from your chapter 1, your 2nd chapter still feels vague.

Obviously his staff are going to notice that he sat with this woman and he also escorted her to his room....

I think though that the intimidation Greg had should now be fought off with maybe panic. He's almost pleading with her. "Look I took care of your meal, it's on the house."

Each response from Susan is cold and blunt. "Great. Can't even buy myself a last meal."

This frustrates Greg but continues to push him backward into a corner.

"What is it? Is it just your financials? I could loan you some money."

Susan scowls at him then walks over towards his liquor cabinet. "Why do men think they can always solve a woman's problems by throwing money at it?"

Greg places his hand on her lower back slightly tilting his head. "I'm just trying to help. Please. Just talk with me. We can stay up all night. Here. Together drinking until your heart is content if you'd like." She swallows another shot of liquor. "I'll refund your room."

Susan stops pouring to look him in the eye. "Why do you care? Huh? I had this all planned out. No regrets. What reason in the world do you have to show up unannounced at my table?"

Greg rubs the back of his neck. "Well..."

Susan downs her cup slamming it back down angrily. "Why me? You could have let me have my moment but you had to sit at my table. Why?"

Greg licked his lips starring down into the depths of her stunning blue eyes. "Because..."

Susan exasperates her annoyance loudly through an exhale. She walks back towards the cream colored couch. "Because...? That's all you got?"

Greg follows slowly behind her. His voice is lower but unshaky. "Because I thought you were the most breath taking woman I had ever seen since my ex-wife."

Susan stops suddenly. She doesn't turn around but a single tear, the first of many, slowly trickles down the side of her cheek.

... I don't know. I'm sorry if I deviated away from your train of direction. I just think that you could better captivate your reader with more tension in the chapter. Susan should have a pretty thick wall up and Greg hurdles himself against it until something cracks.